Apparently, some of us need help with public bathroom etiquette.

One of the things I like the least about going to an office for a job? Shared bathrooms.

I don’t mind sharing at home. Those germs are family germs and don’t have as much of an ick factor. I live with all boys, so there’s still an ick factor, but not as bad. Question: why in the fuck do boys pee down the side of a toilet? It’s a big fucking hole. How can they miss as often as they do?

Not only do I not like sharing, it seems that too many other people don’t understand the rules of office bathrooms.

• Don’t talk to people who are peeing. I can’t speak for everyone, but I like to pretend I’m the only one there…if you TALK to me, then that illusion is shattered.

• If possible, put at least ONE stall between you and whoever else might be in there. For fuck’s sake, if there are 6 stalls and the 6^th one is occupied, don’t use the 5^th one.

• Don’t fucking hover.  You spray pee all over the damn place. And don’t tell me you clean up after yourself, you do not. You wipe off the biggest drops and go on your way.

• If there is an occupied stall and you don’t hear pee sounds, then whoever is in there is waiting to poop. Don’t be a dick and linger. Wash your hands and get the fuck out so they can get finished before the next person comes in.

You know what else would be great? If they would make ‘mood’ toilet seats; like the mood rings from the 70s. The worst thing that happens in a shared bathroom…you sit on a seat that is still warm. Fuckity fuck, I hate it when that happens. My butt is absorbing someone else’s butt heat.  It’s one degree away from actually touching my bare ass against a coworker’s bare ass.

If we had mood toilet seats, we’d be able to see right away if one had been recently occupied. Also, depending on the color left behind, you’d know whether or not avoid that person for the rest of the day.

For the past 5+ years, I seem to have been keeping the same bathroom schedule with one of the more crazy women at work. I wish I had written down every single one of those conversations..the entertainment value of them is priceless. I don’t remember what she said the first time I encountered her, but I know it happened on my first week. I wandered back to my desk and told my new coworkers about the bizarre conversation that just took place. They knew right away who I was talking about.  Here are a few of the more recent conversations:

Scary person: Is that your bottle of water?

Me: Yes.

I enter the stall, hoping the conversation was over. HAHAHAHA.

Scary person: Does that water give you diarrhea?

Me: Ummm. No.

Scary person: I’ve been buying bottled water for my mother, but it all gives her diarrhea.

At this point, I just tried to force the urine out as fast as possible to escape.

Another time, I walked in and she was washing her hands. When she saw me, she laughed. Like a deep down belly laugh. I looked behind me because I was pretty sure there was a clown or something back there.

Me: How are you?

Scary person: Oh, I’m great. I’m just standing here hoping to get raptured up.

Me: You should probably turn that water off first.

Which earned me another big laugh.

Scary person: Oh, I’m sure you’ll be raptured up with me.

At which point, I laughed myself.

Here’s your takeaway…if you must live with a shared bathroom, just follow the rules I have listed and everyone will be happier. Or at least I will.