My Direct Message box on Twitter is a weird place.
Mostly, it’s a bunch of rando dudes saying things like:
“Hey”
“Hey Gorgeous”
“Hey Beautiful”
“Hello Angel”
“Why won’t you respond to me, bitch? You’re rude”
There are a few threads that are actually between me and people I want to talk to.
There is a thread where a friendship ended. There’s a thread of women humorists I laugh at every day.
Of course, there is the occasional dick pic.
Some dude on Twitter asked why men do that? In his experience, he’s never seen it accomplish anything, so why do they bother foisting a picture of their stupid junk onto unsuspecting women?
That one isn’t hard at all. It’s an act of aggression and they get off on it.
Sick fucks.
Then yesterday, I got a DM from the self proclaimed greatest herbalist in Africa.
He offered to create spells for me.
All I had to do is ask.
Here is the menu:
- Love spell
- Cleaning spell
- Magical powers spell
- Ritual money spell
- Cure disease spell
- Need a good job spell
- Win courts case spell
- Reading spell
- Spell
- Lottery spell to win
- Accident safety spell
Okay, please note, the third option is a magical powers spell.
If you had magical powers, why would you need any other spell?
Couldn’t you just do it yourself?
And who, for all that is fucking holy, would buy a cleaning spell? I mean, I guess if you’re a hoarder or something, you might need otherworldly intervention. In that case, I’d just go for the lottery spell, win millions, burn the hoarder house down and start over.
A reading spell? I guess the greatest herbalist in all of Africa has never heard of Hooked on Phonics.
Need a good job spell. I don’t want to beat a dead horse here, but again, the magical powers spell would be way better than a good job.
I didn’t inquire about price though. Maybe, the magical power spell is out of my price range. I mean, I’m sure it is. Maybe, all I could afford is the cleaning spell. But if that is the case, I could always just text Farrah, who is the girl I found to clean my house when we first moved in because damn, this place was filthy. I didn’t need a spell to find Farrah, though. Just Craigslist.
Ooooh…maybe Craigslist is magic?
The ritual money spell bothers me a little.
Why is “ritual” part of it? Why can’t it just be a money spell? If ritual is part of it, then I kind of think that means an animal sacrifice of some sort. Fuck that.
Years ago, I had a friend who was adamant in her stance that she loved animals more than humans. I didn’t get that. I just didn’t.
I do now. I totally get why now.
Honestly, if there is any spell on this menu I should really consider, it’s the accident safety spell.
I’m not making this part up, this is actually true. I’ve been at this job for 5 years now. I really like this boss. He’s a good guy. Once, I face planted in his office. He is genuinely concerned for my safety now. Not a week goes by without him saying “okay, be careful” or “don’t fall down”.
And what is the deal with the spell that is just “Spell”?
Would that be even better than a magical power spell?
Does in encompass all spells? Or maybe, it’s just a one time party trick. Like making all the toilets on the street you live on flush at the same time. Or making a dick grow on the forehead of that guy you used to work with who really should go through life with a dick on his forehead. It’s fair warning.
If I could buy one of these spells and make Australia not be on fire, I’d spend every dime I have.
If I could buy one of these spells and stop the stupid president from rushing us into WWIII, I would spend every dime I have.
Spells don’t work, though.
I’m going to laugh as much as I can because I’m terrified right now.
I knew it would be bad.
I knew war was likely.
I’m afraid of how bad it will get.
I also believe we will win.
Spells don’t really work, but voting does.
We must turn out. Our lives literally depend on it.
Hug everyone you love.
If I could hug you all I would.
Maybe, I should at least see what the greatest herbalist in Africa has to say. At this point, I don’t think it would hurt.
Image courtesy of Moshy Pelusha
I don’t want to jinx myself but my DM box is vapid but for a few ongoing poetry discussions.
Yeah, boring is better.
Now I can’t stop thinking about the word “spell”. Thanks a lot, herbalist. You’ve got me hooked on phonics again. Specifically I’m thinking about spelling bees and I’m not even going to get into why they’re named after a stinging insect. Or the Southern expression “sit a spell”.
And I just checked the dictionary and an old meaning of “spell” is “a fable or tale” so if you just ask for a spell maybe he’ll tell you a story.
I think we could all use a story with a happy ending. Here’s hoping for one in November.
We need that so very bad. If we don’t turn this around, then I’m afraid we might be fucked.
Maybe the ritual part of the money spell is simply buying a lottery ticket. Although why you’d need a spell to do so is beyond me. Unless he guarantees you’d be buying the winning ticket. And don’t pooh-pooh the cleaning spell. Some of us don’t have a Farrah and when I look around I just shake my head and sigh.
Well, here’s to a future of political commercials where multi-millionaire (with great health insurance and investments) tell us that they know exactly how the ‘common folk’ feel. Does he have an herb that will keep me calm and stress-free through the rest of this year?
Well, there ARE herbs that help with that. haha. Depends on where you live if it is legal or not.
I like the way you think, girl! I didn’t know whether to laugh, be puzzled or both!
Haha. Same.
Yeah, I’m up for the magical powers spell! Then I could wave my wand to clean my house, potion myself skinny and healthy, then conjure up the winning lottery ticket. Job done!. But like you say, it might be a bit pricey. Failing that, love is the best magic we can summon–bonus, it’s free!
That is some powerful magic.
Just remember to use spell check…
Haha, I see what you did there.
You always make me laugh so hard! I know of a few men I’d like to see with a dick growing out of their foreheads, but definitely not on Twitter lol. I get into an argument with someone every time I go on there. Of course, I’m always on DT’s account telling him to go fuck himself or burn in hell. Some assholes don’t like that. VOTE PEOPLE VOTE (unless you’re a Republican)
YAY for laughing!!! XOXOXOXOX
Twitter is such a weird and crazy place for sure. I couldn’t imagine being a female there and dealing with all these crazy people.
It’s annoying, but we either deal with it or we just don’t do anything.
What a good laugh in the middle of a Monday.
I’m so glad you laughed! We so much need laughter these days
When I think spell I think I need to rest a spell
I always need to rest a spell
Love you to bits! I love how your writing flows to a drop-dead-can’t-argue-point. You da boss!
Awww..thank you so much, sugar pop! xoxoxoxox
I write from Sydney Australia and thank you for mentioning our plight – love your work. We have compulsory voting here but in the end, political self-interest always seems to win with the solid support of conservative media. Most enlightened and progressive climate/environment policies are rebuffed as an attack on “our way of life” and so people vote the same lot of useless politicians into power fearing that any change may prove uncomfortable.
Well, we know what being fearful and uncomfortable is like this summer…
Many of us are full of anger for the horror that has happened to our land, people and animals, and we despair for what is still to come. Please keep your good thoughts coming our way.
You and your country are so much in my thoughts. I’ve seen a lot of links where we can donate to help out, do you have any suggestions on that? XO
Stay safe.
Many aid organisations are being mobilised with strongly-supported fundraisers everywhere you turn for the firies and the affected communities. Right now I think the most overwhelmed group in need of help are the volunteer wildlife carers – the images and stories would make you weep and the scale of the devastation is almost incomprehensible.
Wildlife Emergency Fund
https://www.wires.org.au/donate/emergency-fund
I’m sorry for sharing my misery but I do
thank you so much for your support Michelle.
No apology necessary! Thank you for this. I will promote this link on twitter as well.
You’ve got quite the colorful inbox.
I’d love to be able to afford the cure disease spell – not for myself ,but for the people, especially children I know who are suffering.
I would suspect “the spell” is basically the alphabet ;-))))
Oh wouldn’t that be amazing?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czkHmjrFCnM
I’ve been having a bit of a stressful day today. I even shed a tear in my boss’s office (I fucking HATE that) so I appreciate this so much. I really liked this