Big news. We got new counter tops.
Okay, not huge news. In the big scheme of things, it’s barely news at all.
For Randy and I, it’s big news.
No more ugly ass green and yellow and white tile. No more grout harboring mutant strains of e-coli.
You guys, I can’t tell you what a difference this makes. I am not grossed out when I am preparing food. I can set a glass on the counter and it doesn’t wobble.
We still have a month before the tile gets re-glazed and I still have to sand and paint the cabinets. I’ll get to that just as soon as I get finished painting all the walls 
and trim and doors. I’m hoping to be done before the next presidential election.
The counters are manufactured quartz, which is awesome. They’re not porous and don’t require special treatment, which is best, since I’ve never successfully kept a houseplant. I don’t want to be responsible for destroying actual stone through neglect.
When we first moved in, we hired someone to help us clean the house. Her husband cuts and installs counters for a living. He was able to buy a remnant from his place of employment and put our counter top in as a side job. Which was great because we got a deal.
Downside is, he isn’t a plumber, so we had to get a plumber to do the reconnect and he couldn’t make it until the day after we got our cabinets.
Because nothing ever goes smoothly, we had an issue right off the bat. The counter dude couldn’t get the hot water to turn off under the sink. It just didn’t work, so we had to shut off the main source of hot water.
For 24 hours.
We got the counters last Sunday. I had taken the previous Friday off work and spent three days painting. I didn’t shower once. It’s not like I could have spritzed on a little dry shampoo and gone into work. I smelled like a goat.
We went to my mother’s house so I could take a shower.
I was tired and starving when we got to my mom’s house. She ordered a pizza and I did allow Randy to have a few pieces without snarling at him. I couldn’t eat fast enough. Painting is hard work, yo.
After eating way too much of a large pizza, I went upstairs to use the shower in the bathroom mostly used by my baby sister.
I brought a bag with shampoo and pajamas, but then I got into the shower without getting my stuff out of the bag.
No way I was getting out of the shower for shampoo when my sister’s tub was lined with products.
I picked up a Burt’s Bees shampoo bottle and worked the shampoo into my hair with one hand and held the bottle with the other.
Yeah, this will do. Anti-itching formula? What the fuck is wrong with my sister’s head? And why is there a picture of a dog on this bottle…oh. Fuck.
I actually did that “wash, rinse, repeat” thing. Just not with the same shampoo. I don’t know if it was necessary to wash dog shampoo out of my hair or not, but I wasn’t taking chances.
I got dressed in my jammies and went downstairs.
Me: About that shampoo.
Mom: Oh. I hope you didn’t use the dog’s shampoo.
Me:…
Me:…
Mom:…
Mom: Who’s a good girl?
Then, I laughed and felt better than I have in weeks.
Also, my hair was super manageable the next day. And the craving for milk bones has finally subsided.
Plus, new cabinets!
Woof.
There were supposed to be emojis above^
Thanks for the morning laugh!
I am so glad you liked it, sweetness! XO
I actually really laughed out loud – your mom is a hoot! So glad to see everything coming together for you.
XOXOXO
Oh, too funny! And sweet.
Thank you!!
You’ve probably noticed that almost all dog food these days contains “human grade ingredients”. I think the only exception is Ol’ Roy, the Walmart brand of dog food, because Sam Walton was a cheap son of a bitch who wouldn’t even give his dog nice things.
What I’m getting at is that the dog shampoo was probably just as good, if not better, than your regular shampoo.
Of course there’s a distinct possibility given the current administration that they’ve just downgraded what qualifies as “human grade”, but as long as your coat is silky and you’re happy to chase squirrels it’s fine.
I do so enjoy frolicking with squirrels.
That might be the first time I’ve ever written the word “frolicking”
Frolicking and shenanigans and malarkey are my go-to words…
Needful words, I might even say… these days.
Hahah..yes!
Hahahaha! Laughed out loud and still chuckling. I’m happy for your new kitchen, sorry for your troubles, and appreciative of the humor with which you’ve shared it. Great post!
THank you so much!
This made me smile. And manufactured quartz! Oh I need to look into that!
It really is lovely.
Wow what a difference! You should totally do a before and after video. Miss you!
Oh, I will! It will be a few months, but we’re getting there. And I miss you like crazy!
My sister wears readers and in hotels or as a guest at someone’s home including mine she has washed her hair with body lotion, body wash, moisturizing lotion, or creme rinse. It happens. Woof!
Hahaha…that makes me feel better!
Was having a crummy morning until this! Thanks so much for the laugh! Needed and appreciated! Glad to see your life is starting to go in the right directions. Just saw a YouTube video of a dog licking a t.v. screen that had a huge pepperoni pizza picture on it. Between your pizza eating and the shampoo, I just flashed there. Wish I had a link to it to share…..
YAY for laughing!!!!!
While the old countertop was a one of a kind, the new looks great!
A development rep needed a signature, so she showed up with custom dog treats that were “good enough to for people to eat!” so we did. And they were good.
My husband convinced his mom and grandma to eat dog biscuits once.
Dog shampoo will officially be a thing now. I’ll go spread the word.
Yes!! I’ll bring humanity along with me.
Michelle, that was fucking hilarious. Just for some perspective, we didn’t have hot water from May of 2013 until February of 2016. I used to wait until the afternoon to shave because the water would be warmer from the exposed pipes in the old foundry building warming in the sunshine. Thank you Chris for letting us use your shower all of those times.
I’m glad things are starting to come together for you house-wise.
I may have to do jury duty today, and my stomach still feels weird from a salad I ate last night, so I hope that a. I don’t get called and b. if I do get called I don’t have diarrhea while I’m at the courthouse or on the way…
Oh god..I hope you made it through jury duty okay!
Thank you, but I didn’t get called, so I’m good for another year.
And I ate some noodles and vegetables and a banana and feel much better. Now it’s a run for mail, noodles, and dirt.
Okay, good!
DAMMIT!!!!
I forgot to call in for jury duty!!
Thanks Michelle and Doug in Oakland!!
I do NOT need another contempt charge…
Yeah…I hope you made that call
Hahaha. Easy to see where you got your sense of humor from. Thanks for the laughs.
Yes, Martha is a funny woman! My mom is the best.
Whenever I’ve seen someone with amazingly long hair (like the truly epic stuff you can’t even believe is growing out of an actual human scalp) I ask them what they use in it. Complete strangers, right there in the 7-11. Because I’ve never heard of boundaries.
Anyway, more than half the time the answer is Mane and Tail, which is a horse shampoo. I’ve used it… on actual horses. (It smells nice and makes a tanglesome tail more manageable.) So, in theory, it’s totally fine to use dog products on a human scalp, especially if they’re made by a company that also makes human products. (I didn’t know Burt’s Bees made dog shampoo, but mine use Paul Mitchell and it’s probably the same principle.)
I think I’m going to try it. Might as well now.
You are on the cutting edge of hair care products. Check out the many reviews online from women using Mane and Tail horse shampoo and then start your own style trend.
Ohhh…dog shampoo is where it’s at.
Pictures! I need pictures of your glossy coat woman! And be sure and check out the belly rubs if they are available. They make the world a much shinier place!
Hahaha…I’m back to human shampoo and kind of dull hair.
Your counters look awesome! Now I can tell you how I really felt about those other ones…. nah. Thanks for the laughs!!!!!
The other ones were so bad. The guy who put in the new ones, took the old ones and said he was taking them to work to show everyone. Haha
Love the quartz! A friend got something beautiful but porous. She celebrated with a glass, or two, of red wine which she left on the beautiful counter. The ring was still there last time I dropped in.
PS: At least you won’t have fleas.
That is exactly the scenario I wanted to avoid. Because we spill a LOT of shit. Not actual shit.
Hilarious! My boyfriend can relate. He has moisturized his face with liquid hand soap, washed his hair with after-shower body moisturizer and almost brushed his teeth with my clay face mask (in a tube similar to the tubes that toothpaste comes in). Thanks for the chuckle.
Hahaha…maybe your boyfriend and I are related.
Lol, congrats on the counters and I love that the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
Thank you! And yeah, my mother is often very funny. We both share a sense of humor that runs on the dark side. Well..hers is just pale gray.
People shouldn’t leave dog treats on the kitchen counter in a bowl. That’s all I’m saying. My dog’s hair is way more silky and lustrous than mine, so I’d say, Switch! The new counters look great. There’s nothing more off-putting than seeing mushrooms growing out of the grout. And you’re going to do the cabinets yourself! Wow. That is one hideous chore, but good for you.
I’m going to get my son to sand everything for me. But I’ll do the painting. I am not looking forward to that one.
My mother would totally say that. Then remind me that the dog (who I can’t stand) is really my sister.
Visiting from GiGi’s. 🙂
Hahaha..that is awesome!!
Who’s a good girl? HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Countertops are gorgeous. Can’t wait to see the new cabinets!
I am NEARLY finished with them.