You know what is hard?
Life.
Life is hard and brutal and pain filled. No one gets a pass. We all have to suffer grief. We all have to feel physical pain. We’re all going to die.
Our time here is brief. Some of us have more than our share of suffering and sometimes it feels like we’re being treated unfairly by the universe. The truth is though, life is what it is. We are born under certain circumstances with certain abilities and then we make choices. Random things that are completely out of our control affect us. Sometimes good. Sometimes tragic. The result? Our precise lives. Fair doesn’t come in to play.
We humans divide ourselves with physical borders, hatred, and fear. We worry about other people having more than we do while blithely ignoring those who have far less. We are the type of species that produces a human who spends tens of thousands of dollars to shoot and kill a lion in a country where people are starving and dying. Seriously, who in the fuck would cross continents for the sole purpose of killing a creature who had never done anything to harm him?
We are willing to be cruel to each other. We kill each other, belittle each other, torture each other, and treat each other with indifference. We are mistrustful and combative.
For all that is fucking holy, I will never understand humanity. We have so little time on this earth and we waste so much of it plotting against each other. Hurting each other. And for what?
We don’t fade away, do we?
Even people who are sick for months or years. They don’t really fade away. One moment they are a living and breathing human and the next they are gone.
None of us get a pass.
Life hurts. People are cruel. The borders are staying and probably will until humans wink out of existence.
If we accept these things, then maybe we can move past them and see how goddamn amazing it is to be alive.
There are so many things in life to be sad over. Sometimes real life is so horrific that it feels too much to bear. But we do. We bear them and what do we get in return?
We get to be alive.
We get to connect with each other. We experience joy, humor, love, and crinkle cut fries. If we are fortunate enough to have sight, we get to see babies, storms, flowers, and valleys. We get to hear music, laughing, the bells from the ice cream truck.
I was born during a time that allowed me to experience rock and roll. Talking movies. Air travel. I got to see Bruce Springsteen live. Three times. In the history of humans that have ever been or ever will be, only a tiny number of those humans get to see Springsteen play live. I’m going to go ahead and be happy as fuck that I got to be one of them.
Not just Bruce. That is one example. I didn’t die before Stephen King or Barbara Kingsolver or John Irving started publishing books. I get to experience having all the information I will ever need at my finger tips. I get to make friends who I absolutely adore without ever having laid eyes on them.
I can’t imagine what will come after I die.
I will miss out on medical advances, songs, and stories that will happen for my children and grandchildren. I hope they view these things with wonder. I hope they embrace them without fear over knowing that one day they will have to let them go.
I took two days off to have a long weekend. I needed down time. I have writing I want to catch up on and I need to not be in a cubicle for a sustained number of hours.
I decided on Friday morning to have a massage.
I have never enjoyed a massage more.
My very first blog post on this blog was about a massage and worrying over where I would be touched and by who.
I have social anxiety. People kind of freak me out. Strangers really freak me out. Yet, I love a massage. It’s hard being me.
Friday? I didn’t struggle at all. I sat in the tranquility room in my Sunnydale High t-shirt, shorts with paint stains and the flip flops that tried to kill me and I didn’t mind at all how I fit in. I don’t fit in this community any better than I did when I wrote my massage post over two years ago. The difference? I truly and honestly no longer give a fuck. Not a single one.
I am here. Right now. I am me. I am who I am due to circumstances out of my control and decisions that were wholly mine to make. I accept this.
I wanted this massage to help me relax. I have four days to unwind. I don’t unwind easily. I didn’t want this massage to help me, I needed it to help me.
I am finding it easier to express what I want to other people. Sure, it took 5 decades, but now, I am no longer afraid to say “Hey, can we turn the heat off the massage table? I prefer it unheated.”
I am sure some of you will read that and say……okay..that is a simple request. Not a goddamn breakthrough.
Trust me, for me? It’s a breakthrough. I have been so uptight around people for so many years that even being able to express something this simple without feeling anxious over it feels like one of life’s biggest wins to me.
If you read my blog, then you know I’ve had some health issues that have increased my anxiety and nervousness. The massage therapist was concerned over the knots in my neck and shoulders and it kind of hurt as she tried to work them out. By kind of, I mean it was both awesome and excruciating.
At one point, as she massaged my forearm with one hand, she held my hand with her other hand and my normal way of thinking kicked in.
For fuck’s sake. There is a totally strange woman holding my hand. Holding my fucking hand. This is weird .
Then I changed my thinking.
Right at this moment, I am connected with another human. I feel good. I am at peace. At this moment, I am going to appreciate the human touch I am experiencing. No one else is a part of this. Just me and this virtual stranger. We are the only ones who get to experience this right here and right now. We’re both getting something from the experience. In this moment, life feels good.
Then I thought:
Another way of looking at this is that you are paying a stranger to touch you to feel good and it’s barely a few steps back from a practice that is legal in only a few places in the United States.
I also accept that I can’t change my way of processing life over night.
I will keep moving forward. though. Forward motion, baby.
I’m glad y’all are right here and now as well.
Peace.
Perfect thing for me to read first thing this morning.
Forward motion is right, sister.
Are you allowed to say “y’all” when you live in Ohio? Just wondering.
I love you and I would love to awkwardly hold your hand. Just to watch you freak out. hahaha
xoxo
Hahaha…Yeah, I would get all squirmy..no doubt.
And I LIVE in Ohio, but I am FROM Kentucky, so I am well versed in the proper way to use ‘y’all’
Oh, snap! And I just read the outline of your life story.
Duh…
Meanwhile, I read 2 other of your posts that you linked. Damn, girl. You are FUNNY. xoxoxo
Very inspiring post, Michelle, and so well written! I am not from Kentucky, but have lived here in Lexington now for 4 years. I’ve been kicking and screaming to hold on to my California roots, but have finally embraced using “y’all.” Guess it’s my small way of being here now. Awesome post. (<–OK, I can't completely let go of over 4 decades in California, and I still refuse to purchase any Wildcats paraphernalia).
Oh god..and I bet you live on a street or near a street that is named after a horse. I’m not a sports person, either. I don’t care about the wildcats…I’m in Ohio now and I also don’t care about the buckeyes
You got it–Man ‘O War is my closest cross street! Yeah, televised sports can suck my dick, but I do now enjoy the Kentucky Derby since it only lasts about two minutes and it’s a good excuse to make mint juleps.
This is gorgeous. I’m glad you are here.
We can’t change our thoughts overnight…but being aware of them is so worth it. We can ask ourselves what we want to think, instead…and just watch when those unwelcome thoughts show up (rather than beating ourselves up for having them).
YES!!! THAT is precisely what I’ve been trying to work on. Not only focusing on changing my thoughts, but giving myself a break when unwelcome ones show up. That is so important! Thank you for putting that into words.
Michelle, I adore you. Simple as that. I adore you. You have a way of writing about the very things I need to hear at the precisely perfect moment. The fact that you threw in the comment about your Sunnydale High T-shirt confirmed for me that I am “home” when I read your blog. One of my mantras is “What Would Buffy Do?”. Haha! I’ve also suffered from social anxiety all my life and it amazes me to hear MY thoughts coming from someone else’s brain. I feel less alone! But, like you, I have made some progress in quelling the “knee-jerk” reactions and reprogrammed my perception of many things. Isn’t that what it truly comes down to in life? It isn’t always the situations themselves, but how we perceive these situations. Sometimes, knowing this helps me in a huge way, at other times (depends on the day and how I’m feeling when I wake up), all my logic and best intentions fly right out the window. I’m with you—-“fuck it!”. 😀 If you can, you can. If you can’t, let ’em judge, because you know you are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Thank you for this Sunday morning reminder that I truly needed to read! {{{{virtual hug from a stranger}}}} <—–which actually should be weirder than humans touching in person, when you think about it! Haha!
It SHOULD be weirder, but I am so much better about graciously accepting virtual hugs. Literal hugs? I get all tensed up and short of breath and I turn purple. I wish I were lying about that. haha.
Thank you for this. I REALLY went back and forth on this post and very nearly trashed the whole thing because I thought it was a downer and self indulgent and frankly, repetitive. I’m glad I didn’t. Randy said he really liked it and he’s a fairly honest gauge for me.
Well, then—thank you Randy! Michelle, listen to your husband. He’s the King! 😉 You know, when I was in my early 40s, I decided to try an experiment in an attempt to “speed up” my recovery from social anxiety. I forced myself to hug people I would meet instead of simply shaking hands. I can only imagine what was going through the minds of some of these individuals as I’d deliberately bypass the usual sequence of intimate contact and go straight in for the hug! It actually kind of worked for me in the short term, but I may have inflicted new social anxiety disorders on the unsuspecting victims. HA! Now, I’m like “WTF was I thinking???” but I do laugh in hindsight. I’m still here, alive and kickin’ on planet Earth and if nothing else, the other people have some good stories to tell! 😀
I should put on the wrestling mask, take a lap around the cul-de-sac, and yell at the neighbors “SEE, I TOLD YOU. I AM A KING!!!”.
No sweetie…you really shouldn’t.
I love this post. I get it. Trust is hard for me. I don’t fit in ANYWHERE. But that’s ok. I make my own kind of music, sing my own special song. Keep doing the same, sister. Keep on keepin’ on.
Thank you! I suspect there are a lot of us. 🙂
A great and true read to start my Sunday as I had to the Pride Parade with my daughter and her girlfriend and my dh.
It is our first Pride event together since she came out to us a few years back.
It is all good.
And yes, life is hard.
But also so very beautiful – like this post.
That should be head, not had in the first line. Too much typing before not enough coffee! lol
I didn’t even notice.
Oh, that is wonderful that you shared the pride event together.
Thank you so much, I am glad you liked the post.
All I can say is good for you. I am not there yet, and may never be. The one time I tried to get a massage (to use a gift certificate from a friend), I had a full-on panic attack and did not enjoy the experience. Strangers touching me totally freaks me out. Maybe it always will.
My big progress is that, at least for the last five years I can finally stand to get a haircut. That, for me, is progress.
Good for you! Progress is progress…we’re all in different places and that is how it should be..it makes sense that we’re all in different places, doesn’t it?
Massages are wonderful, I’m glad that you’re getting past the weirdness. It took me a while. Now I really want one. Speaking up for what you want is a big step and I totally get that.
Yes, thanks for this, the whole lion thing has upset me greatly this week. It’s taken the shine off what should be a brief moment of happiness for me and strengthens my belief that I ought not to read articles any more. I’m just too sensitive to this stuff, people make me sad and there is nothing much I can do to change the actions of the wealthy and entitled, not that I won’t shout loudly for change. All I can do is keep a tenuous grasp of my existence, such as it is and try to improve things in my own world.
I adore you…yes..we need to just keep going. We’ve already proven that we can.
“It’s sixteen miles to the promised land
And I promise you, I’m doing the best I can…”
-Rilo Kiley “With Arms Outstretched.
I love this post. I’m glad some of these things are getting somewhat easier for you, you definitely deserve them. And Randy is probably a fairly good arbiter of what is good in your writing: He obviously has very good taste because he married you.
Thank you, Doug! And I love love LOVE the quote…fits perfect here, doesn’t it?
Yeah, that song jumped right out of my memory banks when I read your post and was all like “Pick me! Pick me!” And, in keeping with your theme, while Rilo Kiley was still together, I got to see them perform that song on three different occasions. Once, at the Warfield, Jenny turned the vocals over to the crowd for the final chorus, and we were fucking loud. It was glorious.
And ARRGH! I see that I made a punctuation mistake in my above comment…
*hangs head in shame*
Oh wait, weren’t we just talking about running out of fucks to give about things like that?
Hahaha…YES! We are not worrying about that shit. I still get upset when I do it.
I’m glad we’re all here too. I find that reminding myself that expecting to be happy, feeling like we should be happy, we’re supposed to be happy, is presumptuous and detrimental. Feeling happy is nice, don’t get me wrong. But living like being happy is “how it’s supposed to go” just sets us up for never-ending disappointment. When I remind myself that shit is supposed to happen then it kinda resets my thinking. In a weird way, it takes away a lot of pressure (and nagging feelings of underachievement and what-ifs). Imagine if we weren’t always trying to measure our “happiness” and just let ourselves be. Good days, crappy days. Whatever. Sounds simplistic, and, well, stupid, I know. But it helps me accept the bumps in the road, you know? Humans are a fucking weird species. Do you think a lion, panting under a tree on the Serengeti (while the lioness goes for groceries), ponders his happiness? Or worries that a hunter is probably coming? A macaw perched in a tree thinks, “I should be doing so much better by now. What the fuck is wrong with me?” Keep moving forward is my mantra. (Which I stole from Meet the Robinsons, I think.) Maybe one day I’ll get a massage too – just not yet. One day.
Hell yes. This is it exactly. Stop feeling like I ‘should’ be ANYTHING and just be. Thanks for this.
I am glad you are doing better 🙂
And I still had to giggle at your massage thoughts. The most important thing I learned from studying philosophy is that there are always a zillion different ways to look at everything that’s happening at any given moment, so you better just pick one that works and go with that until it doesn’t. Seems like you’re doing ok with that 🙂
I am doing pretty good with that. Well…okay..I am working on it.
I’m still stuck on the fact that you let a stranger touch you…I’m trying to picture me in your place. I’m down here under the table hyperventilating!
Haha…I don’t know..I’ve actually had quite a few massages…they just feel so good that it calms the anxiety..a little
One of the great tragedies of life is we would live in a much fairer world if more of the people who’ve been lucky enough to benefit from circumstances beyond their control recognized that and felt an obligation to share. Well, some of us do–it’s just hard to deal with all of it, especially when it takes something major to wake us up to the fact that there are assholes that cross continents and oceans to go shoot an animal that’s so accustomed to humans and has been lured out so that it might as well be a fucking stationery target.
Anyway even without social anxiety I understand how difficult it is to ask a stranger even for a small thing, like an unheated massage table. I don’t need to trust you that it’s a big deal, but I trust you anyway. I trust you because you understand that validation and inner peace, however temporary, can come from the small interactions between people, from caring rather than causing harm.
Yes..peace that comes from interactions with other people is my most valued thing. I love it more than cake and sleeping in.
I’ve never seen Bruce Springsteen, but not even listening to his album Nebraska could deprive me of the will to live, although it came pretty close. You’re right, of course. The world has a lot in it that’s cold, hard and cruel, but just being here is a gift from the universe that I’m grateful to have been given.
Nebraska is Randy’s favorite Springsteen album..it is bleak. Yes, I am also grateful for being here. I need to remember that more often.
I so needed this today!
And you are so right in so many ways. I cant change the big things in this world that are so incredibly wrong but I can change some things on a much smaller level… that may one day derail something much larger. I start with what is right in front of me… and hope that it ripples outward into the universe. I am not always a do-gooder… I am crabby, cranky and mostly feel disheveled and unaccomplished, but I make a mental note every day to start it off good… and try like hell to not let some asshat ruin it.
It’s like we’re sharing the same brain..
Yes! Every day is a gift. Sappy but true. You are such a wonderful writer.
Thank you SO MUCH!
Rapper J. Cole says in his song, Crunch Time, “The only thing worse than death is a regret filled coffin.”
Very true…
Loved how real your writing is! I used to be so self-conscious too about a massage, but now I’ve allowed myself to relax and enjoy the experience. I sometimes forget to apply this philosophy to other areas of my life though! 😉
Yeah, I still have a LOT of work to do in the other areas of my life. And thank you so much!
Although this is your totally personal experience it’s great to read. It makes me happy for you and bolsters my faith in “anything’s possible” 🙂
Thank you, sister!
Totally needed to read that today.
I love you so much right now.
I am so glad. I almost didn’t post it.
PREACH.
<3
THANK YOU!
The whole damn post is excellent, but the first half of this kinda hit me right between the eyes, and is a good reminder for us all, so I posted it to my personal FB, both my fitness FBs and my all my Twitter accts. Cuz… that… was… amazing.
xo
Jackie
Oh wow…you know, I appreciate you very much. Thank you, Jackie. XOXOXOOX
Reading this again, maybe three times. Hell, I might read it every morning. I saw amazing and glorious things on a recent trip out west. Trees that have survived for over two thousand years. Canyons and waterfalls and bears and wildflowers. And a desert that was heartbreakingly beautiful.
Then, closer to home, I got to watch 500 children move their tassels and march to Pomp and Circumstance, full of vigor, hope and resolve.
I even got to watch tiny girls in tap shoes and frilly dresses mug their way through a recital dance.
Back home, I look out my bedroom window and see vegetables growing and flowers blooming. I get to laugh at my friends’ jokes, and marvel over their accomplishments and encourage them to be proud.
And yet, yesterday, I made a mental list of everything in my life that is a shitshow right now. Seriously? I am ashamed.
Thanks for another piece of superb writing from the heart. You do everything with passion, and I appreciate that you give of yourself so freely.
Thank you so much. I needed this tonight.
<3 Thank you for this. It's the mindset I learned when I lived with the guy with the brain tumor and hung out with the Hodgkins survivor, and later lived with him and he sort of dumped me…it was complicated. Dying is very, very hard, and it takes a long time. It's better to actually relish the breath you take, yes.
I want us all to have the wonderment of a three-year-old. You know how they think every single thing is awesome? Let's be that.