I don’t usually feel a sense of anticipation when the year changes.
These odd assignations we give to time and days make very little sense to me. You know, like starting a diet on a Monday, or resolving to change on January first.
All the moments are connected without break and the days and months and years are just our steady stream of time. Deciding to change our diets makes as much sense on a Thursday as a Monday.
But not Sunday. Everyone knows Sunday is right out. Sundays are more likely to break out in pancakes.
I don’t have to be consistent. That’s one of the perks of being human.
With that being said, I’m feeling a few tugs of anticipation for 2015.
I finally, after being miserable for years, changed jobs.
I am still out of my element. It still feels very odd to walk into the building every day and the change still feels like I ripped a scab off before the wound healed.
But I did it. I changed. So far, I’m not dead. It didn’t kill me.
What else can I change?
Will I stop waiting for life to happen for me or will I step out of my comfort zone and make more changes, even if it feels like I’m ripping off scabs that aren’t quite ripe yet?
I need to find a less disgusting way of saying that.
Perhaps instead of telling myself that ‘one of these days, I’ll do more than blog’ I will actually do more than blog.
Why haven’t I stepped outside the blogging comfort zone? Am I lazy? Am I afraid of rejection? What if all the doors get slammed in my face and I have to realize that my dreams of writing have always just been dreams and I will have no idea how to find a new one?
Or, I could stop worrying about bullshit that hasn’t happened. That applies to about everything in my life now. I worry obsessively about failing at my new job. I haven’t failed. I’m fine. I mean, I might fail, but what’s the point of worrying about that now?
I’m worried I will say the wrong thing and find myself in a vortex of awkward suckage that will make me break out in flop sweat and perhaps start smelling like a sick farm animal.
Well..if that does happen, then I need to remind myself that it’s far from the first time it happened and I never died from awkwardness before. In fact, I could console myself in the fact that I’m an expert at it. I could give lessons on how to behave when you stick your foot in your mouth or say something that you find hilarious and everyone else just thinks it’s weird.
Maybe I’ve just found my back up dream. I could go on the speaking circuit and teach people how to embrace their inner dweeb. As long as no one actually showed up, because fuck talking in front of a lot of people. Which, honestly, would probably be the case.
I have anxiety issues. I am socially awkward. I’m shrinking on the inside when I’m around new people, especially crowds. This is who I am.
Perhaps this is the year that I stop berating myself for who I am and instead focus on not being afraid. And that focus has to be kind. Perhaps when I do feel afraid, I can stop reacting with disappointment and contempt.
Maybe I’ll change my mind about all of this before 2015 even gets here.
Or maybe I won’t.
Here’s to more of us accepting ourselves. (Unless you are cruel and harmful and hurt other people…cut that shit out).
Here’s to believing in our dreams.
Here’s to liking who we are.
Here’s to falling down and popping right back up screaming ‘I’M OKAY”!!!
Here’s to making some new year’s resolutions that aren’t unreasonable.
Here’s to believing in us.
I don’t expect to set the world on fire next year. But I’d like to see what could happen if I stretched myself. Even just a little.
Or maybe, I’ll just get the curtains washed next year. Because damn.
And who buys white curtains, anyway? Isn’t that just asking for dinginess?
What about you? Anything in particular you want to accomplish next year?
Loved reading this. I can relate in so many ways. The scab analogy, while gross, is very relatable 🙂
Yeah..it just works.
And thank you!
“(Unless you are cruel and harmful and hurt other people…cut that shit out).” Perfect lines like that are why I read your posts!
I’m going to try to step out of the safety of blogging and actually submit a few articles for publication in 2015. The worst that can happen is the big “No thank you” and I’ll realize I need to seek a new career path. Or I’ll keep trying…who knows?
Whatever we do it will most likely involve lots of falling down & popping back up…here’s to it!
Good luck!! You got this!!!!
getting back into my fitness groove. have been back to hiking for a few weeks.
so i’m moving, which is something.
got to get off the sugar or at least back into control.
i’m actually sick of sugar at this point and cookies. so now is a good time to knock that shit off.
i have some projects around the house i’d like to tackle.
really want to get my little arty business launched.
Yeah, I’m gonna have to cut way back on sugar. I did it before and I felt amazing. I KNOW I will feel better. I just have to do it. Why does sugar have to be so delicious?
indeed why oh why!!!!
Michelle you are SO right on so many levels. I fail – every, single, effing, year – when I make a resolution to do this or do that. Why should I change up on January 1st and attempt to be a different person, to do things differently JUST because society deems that is the day to do so. Then we’re all walking around for an entire month, pretending that we’re something we’re not, claiming to do something that we aren’t.
REAL life steps in, and all those good intentions and lofty ideas get kicked to the curb to deal with the real issues that life is throwing at us right then and there. I look at it this way – if I’m constantly evolving and changing, trying to live healthier and be a better person, be a better wife, mother, and sister – then I’m taking care of my New Year’s Resolutions 365 days a year.
So when someone asks me what my resolutions are for New Year’s I say that I’m doing what Casey Kasem told me to do – “Keep my feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.”
Hahaha…I LOVE THAT!! That Casey..he was wise. 🙂
I am so right where you are right now. I can’t wait for 2014 to be over with, I swear! I also want to write more and not be afraid to put my work out there and most importantly to PUSH myself. Good luck to you!!!
To you too! Here’s to good things in 2015.
Every year, starting in October, I see posts from people hoping the new year will be better. 2012 sucked – I hope 2013 is better. 2013 was terrible – I hope 2014 is better. 2014 kicked my ass – I hope 2015 is better. Nobody ever talks about what they are going to do to make the new year better – and nobody seems to realize that “the new year” is really just another page on the calendar. THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING THAT. Life goes on until it doesn’t – and there is a much better chance of things changing if YOU make some changes. And that is absolutely as true in July as it is in January.
That being said, I always start a new diet or exercise program on Sunday and it works better if Sunday falls on the first of the month. The downside of that is that if Sunday falls on the first of the month, then twelve days later there is going to be a Friday the 13th and those always suck. But anyway . . .
I am very proud of you for changing jobs. And even more proud of you for succeeding. You really are going to be a rock star – cause you rock!
Something I said to Jenny one time that applies to you as well – a book of your blog posts would be awesome. It would make a fantastic gift. And probably be a huge seller.
I think anxiety would make the speaking circuit a bit rough – but YouTube videos might be an option. I suspect there is much we could all learn from you. And it would be a blast.
For myself, I have a very deep hole I have to climb out of before I can even think about moving forward. So that is my plan and goal for “the new year” – to climb.
Well..here is to you leaving that hole behind you!
And thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement..you have no idea now much it means to me.
Oh, I might have some idea. 🙂 And something else . . . Having your writing rejected is not nearly as terrible as you think it is. My first published story was in GRIT Magazine in 1999 or2000. Before blogging was a thing, before submitting work online was an option. Back when you sent hard copy through the mail and got a hard copy rejection notice back. Or nothing at all. But the rejection notices were never nasty. There was never a “Your work sucks”. It was either a polite “Not what we are looking for” and occasionally some constructive advice. I used to make jokes that I was going to wallpaper my whole house with rejection notices because dammit that proved I was trying!! And then the internet exploded and it all went online and it just wasn’t the same if I had to print it out myself.
Try it – trust me, if you get rejected, it won’t hurt as much as you think, and you will have a great feeling of accomplishment because you tried. And you already have a writing credit resume – that gives you a foot in the door that counts for a lot!
Oh, I’ve been rejected. That’s not so bad..I’m just afraid of so much that I have no choice but to admit I should be spending my time in other ways.
Which when I read what I just wrote…I realize that’s dumb. I like writing. So I’ll keep writing.
Of course you will. And you’re good at it. I like to think that rejection means I sent it to the wrong place. 🙂
Well, you have a way with words so I’m sure any book you write wouldn’t suck. Besides laziness and general lack of ambition, I fear that I have no imagination, and I’m pretty sure my book wouldn’t be a big seller. But, I need to write it just to say I did. “Be fearless” would be my advice to you or others, though I don’t intend to follow that advice myself. Today, today would be a good day to start writing that book.
Or take an extra nap.
Ha..I AM really sleepy.
But you’re right. Now is when it should happen. I actually have a nice start on a story. It’s very strange..or it will be. I don’t know how good it will be, but I’m going to finish it.
Thank you
Have you been sniffing the farm animals again? (Hint: the horses smell better than the goats.)
Your scab analogy reminds me of a Tool song called 46 and 2 that makes the same analogy about pretty much the same subject. I really like it; your mileage may vary. Or if you don’t like Tool. there’s a video on Youtube of some little kids covering the song that kicks holy ass.
And I hear you about the arbitrary nature of the calender. If I say that this year sucked and I’m glad it’s over, I do know that next year isn’t automatically better. I have to do something different to make it that way. Like get my eye surgery done, which my next doctor appointment for is Monday. So, yeah, maybe 2015 will be a better year.
oh good luck with the eye surgery!
And yes, it takes action. Action is sometimes (usually) hard.
I’m with you on this, big changes this year and I might as well greet them or they’ll kill me.
But you can’t go on the speaking circuit about your embracing awkwardness because I’m going to do that! I’ve already written a really awkward song about it and most of the speech. Unless you want to team up and then it can be twice as awkward, er, I mean, AWESOME!
We are gonna be RICH!!!
You are going to rock 2015!
🙂
As for me, here’s to actually getting to ‘the new year’, so far self preservation mode seems to be getting me through one hellish day at a time. Looking forward to Jan 2nd and hoping next year brings some good changes.
Yeah, we’re going to have a good year, sister.
I’d so come and listen to you speaking on embracing your inner dweeb. Afterwards, I’d awkwardly ask you to pose for a pic with me. Happy New Year!
To you, too! I have to warn you though. I am completely not photogenic. I’d mess up your picture.
In years past, I set goals, made vows, had high expectations — only to give up, disappoint myself, or be disappointed by others. This year, I’m making NO promises or resolutions. Whatever comes, comes — I’m just going to roll with it.
I think that is wise. We don’t get to control much..just our reactions to what happens.
You hit the nail on the head. With the exception of the job, its like you were talking about me. The anxiety is hell. My comfort zone is all I know. I want to get past all of that. One problem, I don’t know how.
get past anxiety? I dunno. I mean, I’ve gotten better over the years, but I think I just got tired. I would suggest speaking to your doctor about it, if that is an option.
Pretty much love this 😀
Thank you, sweetness!
I’m a big believer in baby steps–doing one thing to get you toward a goal. I think that’s better than setting ourselves up for disappointment when we end up not doing what we thought we wanted to.
This is so true. I can’t tell you how times I’ve set myself up for failure by ignoring the baby steps.
Browsing in an art store recently, I came across a “Chuck It” List book — like “Bucket List” only “Chuck It”. I celebrated a milestone birthday this year—it ends in “0” and the first number is greater than “5”. I found it oddly liberating. I have accepted (and added to my “Chuck It” list) that I will never climb Mt. Kilimanjaro; I’ll most likely never write, let along publish, a book; I’ll never give birth to a girl baby; argue before the Supreme Court; run a marathon…..ad nauseum. But, damn, I’ve climbed Huayana Picchu, visited 6 continents, gave birth to two baby boys, danced at one son’s wedding, married the right guy (second time being the charm), discovered Zentangle and started a blog. It’s all good — enough.
oh fucking hell..a chuck it list is so perfect!! I love this idea.
Change is good. Scary sometimes. But good. Here’s to peeking through your fingers as you take those first steps.
Hahaha…I LOVE that!!!
I just moved into a new, much larger house on an acreage. Next year will see me
– tackling all the projects that have been gathering dust the last few years,
– in better shape now that I have room for exercise equipment, and
– entertaining my friends with my freshly dusted-off barbeque skills.
Make this new year your best ever Michelle!
Thank you Rick. I am…I am really going to see what I can make happen next year.
You sound like you have your work cut out..but it sounds fun, too
As someone who has been a publisher and book editor… You already have the bones of a book if you group together posts as the key parts of chapters of a survival guide to anxiety… One that will make people laugh as they learn… You so have that handled… Plus one about weight loss from the previous blog… Sort it …pitch it… It’ll be fun.
I’m hearing John McCain in my head…come to the coast..it’ll be fun…we’ll have a few laughs..
Thank you, Wendy. I actually have some work done..the project I’m working on now is completely different. Weird. It might be too weird, but I’m going to finish it.
What a great post
Thank you!
I want you to STEP OUT! We can’t experience any thing if we stay inside the box! (Why would I would I have taken a job that had nothing to do with my past jobs? I loved the experience!) I met new people. I met a lovely, talented lady (YOU) and I am expecting more writing. More of your wit and insight of daily events. You my dear are cheating the world of your talent! So guzzle Champaign, get some penalties, take a drive and WRITE!
Thank you, gorgeous! That’s what I’m gonna do!
Ooo.. I’d love lessons on how to behave when you stick your foot in your mouth (since I do it all the damn time). And I plan on working on a couple of decluttering projects in the house and maybe actually finishing them and maybe actually keeping the area uncluttered after that. 🙂
Good luck! I need to do that, too….but the reality is…
I can give you all kinds of lessons on how to behave after you stick your foot in your mouth, but mostly, they will consist of how to shove it in even further.
I’m with you on all of these. And, I actually just washed some curtains, because, yes…dayum. Dust of the ages, right there.
Here’s to expecting reasonable things and being thankful for the many small everyday blessings we may take for granted, every day, in the new year. *clinks glass*
Yes! Here’s to all those things!
I’m all for just trying to get back to that place where you feel like the you that you like to be again! Happy New Year!
I can’t WAIT for that place…
Lovely and wise post. You have inspired me to actually make a NY resolution (even though it is 11 days late…) “I could stop worrying about bullshit that hasn’t happened”, and accept myself just as I am. Thank you!
I wish you all the luck in the world in keeping that resolution. I can’t think of a better one. I sincerely mean that.