I had an interaction on Twitter which frustrated me. The interaction also frustrated Randy, but mostly because he always strongly advises to not interact with people in a negative way on social media.
Mostly I don’t, but sometimes, damn.
This was my tweet:
All I want is for someone to assure me that Twitter will be fun again some day.
Someone, who I don’t follow, responded by suggesting they tickle me.
Which is weird, but humans are weird and I’m down with that. I didn’t want to encourage the behavior, so I responded with a “no” and that tickling makes me violently angry.
Ask Randy. He still has scars. Emotional ones, not physical.
Douche twizzle: Licking then?
Oh my god. Gross. See? This is just nasty.
Me: Fucking hell. Just stop.
Douche twizzle: Not until you scream… Oh alright, a cup of tea and a biscuit will do. Bourbon anyone?
I thought I was pretty clear about not being interested in that sort of banter. And I know that Randy wants me to just walk away from shit like this, not because he doesn’t want me to defend 
myself, but he knows how very ugly people can be on the internet and how easily others can pile on and he wants to protect me from that. He is also concerned that I will lose my Twitter account. I thought about that for a minute and decided I don’t fucking care. I will defend myself when people are disrespectful. I have ignored shit like this all my life and I’m done with it. How is anything ever going to change if we don’t change what obviously does not fucking work.
Me: Okay. Here’s the thing, and I’m probably a fucking dumbass for even trying to explain this, but I am not interested in this. Not at all. It is gross and upsetting. I would have thought that the “fucking hell, just stop” would have clued you in, but I guess I have to be more direct.
Douche twizzle: Stop replying then. None of this is serious, it’s just daft.
Me: But it is not just daft. It is invasive and triggering. If someone says to stop, then stop. Maybe, even say “sorry I upset you”. But no, you put the burden on me for your boorish behavior. Why should I NOT respond when you address me directly? Just don’t be a dick, dude.
Douche twizzle: Ok
I was pretty pleased with that outcome. I made my point.
He acknowledged my point and we let it go. Until someone else chimed in. And this fucking kills me.
I hate when women support the misogyny woven into our fabric.
I get it, I do. We are products of our upbringing and experiences, but damn, I would have hoped that more women would examine their part in supporting the misogyny that hurts all of us. Not just women. All humans.
Traitor to her gender: Eh? But Michelle it’s you who seems to have lost your sense of humor??? Don’t tweet stuff like that if you don’t want some fun responses? I thought Douche twizzle was quite funny.
Lost my sense of humor? I am goddamn hilarious. Also, fuck this. I semi-calmly protested being spoken to in a manner I found distasteful and a woman is going to tell me to lighten up? What the fucking fuck? Even worse, she actually said a sort of “I was asking for it”. Don’t tweet stuff like what? Seriously. My original tweet was innocuous and somewhat lame. In no way was I asking a stranger to suggest they lick me until I scream. I also disagree with what constitutes a “fun” tweet. I know in the big scheme of things, this is not a huge deal, but it does kind of illustrate, in a small way, how women are treated when they ask to not be mistreated. The problem isn’t just men.
Douche twizzle: Thank you Traitor. My only intention is to make people laugh a bit. Never mean to offend.
Traitor: No I can see that, thought it quite rude of her… never mind.
For all that is fucking holy. How am I the rude one in this scenario? HOW?
I did let it go. I didn’t respond to her tweets.
I said what I wanted to say to the douche twizzle. Also, it’s the weekend and I’d rather not spend my time defending my sense of humor and right to stand up for myself with people on twitter. Especially, with a traitor. I’m kind of done with traitors. I’m working on standing up for myself. I’m not taking on saving the world.
A huge part of me just fucking screams I don’t get the cultural differences.
Or, I am being oversensitive. I have no humor. I reject that.
I don’t want some strange motherfucker saying he wants to lick me until I scream. That is gross. I accept some people want to engage in this type of banter. I say rock on with your big bad selves. I am on your side.
But when someone says stop, then you motherfucking stop.
It is really the least you can do to respect your fellow human. Just stop when someone says stop. Own your shit.
You know, or don’t. I can’t spend any more time fretting over it.
Not when I still have episodes of Daredevil to binge on Netflix.
Photo courtesy of Gratisography
I know it’s hard to walk away, but you & those others aren’t speaking the same language. This stuff gets weirdly exaggerated in print. He stomped, unaware, on one of your bruised nerve endings. Of course you want to scream!
I’ve learned in my own dysfunctional family that it is way safer to freeze and carefully consider my response. That leaves me choking on my rage, yes, but I don’t get beaten up.
Takes control, and I’m glad you have it!
I totally get “not speaking the same language” because based on word choice, I assume the dude was from somewhere in Great Britain. But the phrase “lick you until you scream”? I think that is an extreme thing to say. I’m not saying one SHOULDN’T say it..but if a person protests, then you back the fuck off. It’s that simple. I have choked my words back my whole life. I’m done with it.
Done with it. Good. Thank you, I sometimes feel I’m the only one who thinks stuff like this is not ok. And talking about you as if you’re not there, on your tweet? Rude.
Keep on, your tribe have your back.
I know you do and I appreciate it so much.
Good for you. Twitter is full of creeps masquerading as “only trying to be funny” dudes. Once, I had a guy chime in on a conversation I was having with someone and call me a “lying mongrel” because I said that modern communism was vastly different than its founders intended. I was appalled. I muted him but it made me upset for days. Hope this post gives you some catharsis❤️
It does..and people can be so goddamn touchy when you don’t agree with them.
I’m completely on your side here. That kind of statement is sometimes followed by a “but”, but there is no “but” here, and if there were I’d be making an ass of myself.
I’ll even say it again: I’m completely on your side here.
For a complete stranger to offer to tickle you is, by generally accepted standards, rude and invasive. For that stranger to then suggest licking you takes that rudeness and invasiveness up several levels. And the “Stop replying then” puts the burden on you even though you’re not the one who decided to fuck with a complete stranger.
What I’m getting at is I think you were right to not walk away. Maybe Douche twizzle hasn’t learned anything from this encounter and maybe Traitor hasn’t either, and you shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of shit, but an example has to be set.
Oh, there’s the “but”. Yeah, it shouldn’t be your job to set examples either, so I hope I didn’t just make an ass of myself with that.
Christopher – I am so sorry that you ‘good guys’ have to work twice (or more) as hard as you used to.
Thanks for being the ‘good example’ and trying so hard not to ‘but.’
Lisa K-Thank you. I feel a little guilty because I think about how most women have to work twice has hard just to get the same recognition their male counterparts get, if that, but really I should just gracefully accept your kindness and say thank you.
Yeah, I’m tired of not sticking up for myself. And that behavior is so fucking icky.
On a less icky note, I am seriously disappointed in Oz, and yet also sorry to see him leave. I always thought he and Willow were the perfect match.
Oh man…I was terribly bummed about Oz.
“But when someone says stop, then you motherfucking stop.”
Amen, amen and AMEN! Once a boundary has been made clear that is it. End of story. Game over. There are no ifs, no ands and certainly no buts. You were very direct about where the line was and he crossed it.
Like you, I will no longer tolerate this kind of bullshit. I spent a majority of my life “choking my words back” and putting up with the poor behavior of others. Perhaps if more people were less willing to tolerate this shit, it would cease to continue. There are always those who will push the limits, it is up to us to put our collective feet down and firmly say “no.”
Exactly!
When I get responses to posts like the one you got, I try to visualize the offender as a 15 year old simpleton who just doesn’t get it and probably never will. That makes me feel better for a moment and then I break things. Not expensive things, but well chosen expendable things. Then I’m all better.
I need to get some of that expendable stuff. Haha.
I, too, am surprised by the number of women who can look me in the eye and say they think everything is fine right now…
I don’t understand it. Everything is pretty fucking far from okay.
I feel your discomfort! I guess I should ask people to desist when they start that kind of convo on Twitter/FB. I generally ignore them, unless they really piss me off, and then it’s delete and block time. I suspect ignoring them is probably giving them tacit encouragement so after reading this I may just start calling them out on it. I never really know how to respond when someone makes a grossly out of order comment and I do try hard not to feed the trolls, even though it’s tempting. Women who justify that sort of crap are definitely traitors. A stranger offering to lick you till you scream is just plain creepy!
Yeah, I’m having a harder and harder time NOT saying something.
Good replies to the douchtwizzle. And yes, douchetwizzle is funny. I’ve always loved that Michelle phrase. You can block these dimwits from seeing anymore of your inner thoughts or funnies on twitter. Who needs followers like that? Fuck ’em.
They weren’t even followers. haha. Just weirdos.
It’s easy enough to offend someone I know well, but when I’m talking to a stranger and it becomes clear that I’ve offended or strayed into iffy terrain, the right answer is always to get out.
Maybe I’m too scared to offend. But this approach always works for me.
Nothing lost, on your part. These tupes tend to get worse, not better, if they’re not called on it, right?
Who knows? They probably just like attention. good or bad. But I am done with not speaking my piece.
My mother taught me that everything stated before the word, “but” was a lie. I really like what you’re wearing…..but….
I also learned early in life that the fact that the phone (albeit that other than cell phones does anyone even own one anymore?) rings does not mean you need answer. It is an invitation to have a conversation. I feel that way about FB or twitter or any other method of communication.
Not speaking the same language? There is no excuse for being rude and abusive. One can tell when English or French or any other language is not that person’s first language. Google translator works well for most people. That person was being purposely rude. I do not invite those type of people into my world, and Michelle, I am glad you said, “NO!”
Sometimes though I do believe the best defense is a strong offense. Just delete the fucker.
Your mother sounds like a wise woman.
The people that say you don’t have a sense of humor are especially harmful imo. They make me even more angry because they are promoting disrespect and seem to find that okay, enablers in other words. I try not to argue on there but sometimes I do and also decided if they kick me so what? I will at least have said what I wanted to say. That’s why I joined twitter in the first place. There are dumbasses everywhere, just look at D.C.
Yes, yes there are. 🙂
Now I need to log on to Twitter to see who’s ass needs to get kicked, metaphorically of course. Sorry – no gender restriction or age minimums on assholes.
Hahahaa
What’s interesting to me is that that whole outrageous and insulting conversation began with you simply stating that you wanted Twitter to be fun again. Trolls like the two you dealt with are exactly the reason it is not fun. And exactly the reason I finally stopped posting on both Twitter and Facebook. I can’t stand dealing with creeps whose main goal in life, it seems, is to annoy as many people in a day as they can. What a waste of human protoplasm.
I was more talking about the constant all trump all the time. But yeah, people like this make it crappy, too.
This is a HUGE trigger for me. I started shaking as soon as I started reading it. I don’t know why, but I just can’t take things like that. Well, I guess I know why just don’t know why certain triggers are much worse than others.
It makes me really angry too. I don’t like being spoken to like that, but I HATE being treated like I’m the ridiculous one for protesting.
Nope. Nopenopenope. All of the goddamn nopes. Suggestions of sexual assault are not funny. An offer of “licking then” that won’t stop until you scream is an offer of assault, and most people would see that assault as sexual.
I am not on Twitter or Facebook, and I still have plenty of trolls to deal with.
I, on a good day, don’t respond to the trolls themselves, (because fuck the goddamn trolls anyway) but do sometimes say my piece so that the trolling wasn’t the only information on offer.
Sometimes, in an irascible mood, I tell them what I think of them.
But (you knew there was a but somewhere) I am a 57 year old white male who is six feet tall and has lived through some shit that has left me, how shall I say this? Not easily triggerable.
What it hasn’t left me is unable to understand how what I say might affect someone who doesn’t share my background.
My mother called it “manners” and I kind of have a thing about it.
See, manners aren’t optional fripperies about which fork to use for which course of a meal, manners are a tool to be employed to suppress the homicide rate as the population density goes up.
Most of the bikers I know have very good manners.
Most of the trolls I run into on “The Field Negro” are playing a game to get attention.
So, yes, you could say that a different language is being spoken, or a different set of rules are being used.
And in the spirit of full disclosure, that was sort of bullshit about not being easily triggered, as I find myself pissed off at ‘twizzle and traitor.
But (another damn but!) I understand the difference between feeling protective of someone I care about, and not feeling safe or comfortable in the public discourse over the behavior of people who, as Pamela Merritt would say, have home training failures.
We have a moment in history here, and we need to foster it so that it grows and becomes a point that we look back on and wonder how it was that people lived in a world where it was OK to mistreat women as a matter of custom, and I don’t mean to put you on the front lines of a social conflict, but (another damn but) part of that fostering has to include identifying transgressive behavior so everyone can know what it looks like.
This has already gone on way too long, as has this comment, so let me just say that I support you in your defense of your sense of humor and being done with traitors, and that anyone with two working neurons to rub together would have taken “Just don’t be a dick, dude” for the sublime wisdom it really is, and avoided the need for comments that run to such absurd lengths…
I don’t mind putting myself out there for this stuff. I would have run from it when I was young (and I did) because I could not take the ridicule when I stuck up for myself. I don’t LIKE it..but I can handle it.
Oh, good god, Twitter is a public forum. He just showed himself with that tweet. Can we say juvenile boy?!?! I think there are women who want to get the attention of guys by siding with them. WTF?!? The more I read the the madder I got. I think, many agree, that the problem with social media is the anonymity. This shows that. He would never walk up to you and say that face to face. It gives these pervs a platform. That is exactly what he is a pervert.
Yep. What a perv.
Negative trolls men and women! I always think they must be mean girls grown up and save it for online and bully boys doing the same! Good for you. It is another dimension of the MeToo movement.
It is, isn’t it?
Tolerance is up to the individual – that’s the bare bones of consent, people! When someone says stop, you stop – if you don’t, you don’t get to claim you were just being “fun.” It’s not “fun” if it’s only fun for one half of the convo. Idiots, both of them.
thank you! That is exactly right.
The tickling thing I could see as maybe being in good fun, if someone doesn’t know how much you hate to be tickled. But, following it up with licking? That’s called sexual harassment and it’s not fucking funny.
I hope you blocked both of them.
Yeah, that is how I felt. I thought it was weird…but maybe innocent enough, but licking? Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew.
I am 100% on your side. Stop means stop. No means no. But we women will be fighting our own gender as long as they wish to place blame for the way we dress, speak, look rather than on the person who refuses to be responsible for their own behavior. Yes, Michelle, just stop is always more than sufficient. Brava.
If women would work together, we’d be unstoppable.
I’m sorry that happened to you ☹️
The fact that people don’t stop saying or doing things when asked to is a huge problem. Period. It doesn’t matter what your intention is, it doesn’t matter if someone else would be just fine with it. It doesn’t even matter if at first that other person played along. Doesn’t matter. If someone asks someone to stop doing something then fucking stop.
And the fact that people don’t get that, including other women, is a huge problem.
I’ll never understand it.
It is really quite simple.
You said stop. That’s it. He should stop. I once ended up blocking a guy because I didn’t like what he was dming me. He messaged friends of mine to get me to unblock him because it was just a joke. No dude, f-off. I told you I didn’t like it. Don’t message me on anything. Go away.
Exactly! What is so hard to understand about “stop”??
I feel so proud of myself when I choose NOT to respond to idiocy. I’m getting better at it, i really am!
I agree with you. Even though you generally don’t respond, this time you did, and you said, “stop it”. In no way should the Traitor have taken that to mean you lost your sense of humor. Dude. She needs a chill pill. (Do those still exist?)
They DO exist because I have a prescription. hahaha