So, I was going to post this as a link from Medium because the contest I was in dictated that you put an unpublished draft in Medium. So I thought, well, I’ve never posted anything there, so I guess I will. I read that one guy made like .06 so it’s like throwing money away to not post there. And then Randy reminded me that I’m just adding a second step for no reason. I came around to his way of thinking.
This is the story I chose to enter over the one I posted on Monday. It didn’t win anything and I’m totally cool with that. I still think it’s kind of funny. Here it is, why you shouldn’t eat what I bring to the potluck at work.
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Potlucks happen.
Sooner or later, most of us find ourselves at a pitch-in at work and are faced with 7 layer salad, no bake cookies and dump cake.
I know what I’m supposed to say to my post-menopausal sisters when the subject of the office potluck comes up.
“I don’t know. You know? I mean, it didn’t used to bother me, but how do I know what other people’s hygiene habits are? We’ve established that Karen doesn’t wash her hands in the bathroom. Do you really want to eat her cheese ball?”
My office mates and I sit in an office across the hall from the bathrooms. They’re single bathrooms, which means one person at a time. A bank of windows separate our office from the rest of the world and we often see restroom activity.
When the toilet flushes, we feel a rush of water beneath our feet.
If we feel the flush and the door opens 8 seconds later,we know someone skipped the hand washing portion of their restroom activity.
Karen is a repeat offender.
But if I am honest?
Karen isn’t who you should worry about. It’s me.
I’m not disgusting. Plenty of people are worse than me. I mean, I don’t drop food on the floor and still use it.
Unless the food I dropped is going to be cooked, who cares if it was briefly on the floor? It’s going into a 400 degree oven for an hour.
Or if it is an intact hard boiled egg. I don’t think they are porous. Toast crumbs and cat hair rinses right off.
Whenever I peel hard boiled eggs, they end up looking like a gerbil gnawed off their shells. If I drop a perfectly intact egg, then it’s just wasteful or sinful or something to not wash it off.
Certainly, if I drop a completed deviled egg, I’m not serving it.
Unless, the egg drops egg side down. You can run a paper over the solid egg part, they’re only toast crumbs, for god’s sake. No harm no foul.
Besides, how do you think herd immunity works? Hmmm? My deviled eggs play a part.
Of course, if the deviled egg lands devil side down, I’ll do what any civilized person would do. Scrape off the top layer, check for cat hair and eat it.
I make bad ass deviled eggs
There’s also a slight issue with finger licking.
I understand this is an amazing activity when it comes to fried chicken sold in buckets, but in practice, it is considered poor form to lick your fingers when preparing food for the masses.
I still lick my fingers.
I don’t mean to lick my fingers. Finger licking just happens.
When I prepare food for my family, I don’t think goddamn twice about licking my fingers. I like my family way more than I like people I work with.
While I get it would be appropriate and even considerate to wash my hands before continuing with food prep if I lick my fingers, I have a hard time caring. Again, I like my family way more than I like my coworkers.
Before I admit to the next transgression, I would point out that I make other-worldly chocolate chip cookies.
So, I had to make chocolate chip cookies for a potluck at work, which was fine, but I forgot to bring the butter to room temperature.
I’ve learned many hard lessons in life. One is, when baking, you follow the fucking recipe, or your shit is going to suck. If the recipe calls for room temperature, that is not a suggestion.
So, I held the butter between my thighs while I mixed the dry ingredients.
The wrapper was on the butter. I’m not a heathen.
Look, I’m not trying to ruin potlucks for anyone. I’m saying perhaps the people you worry about aren’t the people you should be worrying about.
You just have to make a choice. Either, run away screaming or dive in. I think diving in is the best choice because the crab dip is to die for. And that shrimp is on ice. I’m sure it’s fine.
In case you’re wondering if I’m kidding about the “softening butter between my thighs thing”.
She didn’t really do that and then feed those cookies to other humans, right?
Let me assure you.
Yes. Yes I did.
If you get hot flashes like I do, bringing butter to room temp should take about 15 seconds, lol!! P.S. try using Kerry Gold Irish butter in your baking recipes! It is unbelievable!! It takes forever for it to come to room temperature, but you can keep it on your counter for up to 2 weeks! A lot of places in Europe do not refrigerate butter or eggs.
Ohhhhhh…great tip! I love Kerry Gold but never considered baking with it. I’m doing that next time.
Potlucks aren’t as much fun since everyone (hyperbole) has some sort of food issue. Mythbusters ruined the 5 second rule but it seems too sad to let that egg-down devilled egg go to waste
Yeah, I’m not letting that go. I’ll eat it.
Love this!
Thank you!!!
You crack me up. What a great thing to read first thing in the morning.
Thank you!!
I just spit my tea all over the table when I read about your butter melting methodology.
HAHAHAH yay!!!!!!!!
Anyone who still cooks or bakes for a pot luck and doesn’t go to the store and bring some lame bag of chips or prepared veggie platter or hummus without crackers or bread is wonderful and so is their food! Unless it is the well meaning person who cuts the fudge or brownies on the same cutting board that onions were cut.
Butter to room temp between the thighs is a good one. I can see it totally working!
It works like a fucking charm!
I love your style!
(And PS pls make sure I’m on the list cause the Subscribe button is wonking, sry)
It should be working now! xo
Anyone who says (only you, I’m pretty sure) that your mojo is only peeking from behind the curtains) is woefully wrong.
Evidence:
1. This piece
2. The Mojo piece
3. Warming butter between your thighs
Cracked me up, HAHA, pun intended.
You got this girl, keep on.
Thank you!!! I’m back at it. I’ve been working out a new stand up bit
“softening butter between my thighs thing“
This is by far the most hilarious cooking tip I ever read, and will always remember.
You should write cookbooks…..
Hahaha..that would be fun. And that method really does work.
Of course you won something! You’ve won all of our hearts yet again! I shall have a secret grin on my face the next time I bake/cook something for a party. Too funny!
YAY! best prize EVER!
Well, now I have an option between destroying a still-cold bar of churned cow-fat and leaving it to ripen on the counter! Still wouldn’t eat Karen’s cheese-ball though.
Yeah, no. no on the cheeseball
Since I slightly sickened a party with my deviled eggs back in ’83, I’ve been sticking to cupcakes as a go to food contribution. The thigh maneuver is genius. I salute you!
HAHAHA oh man…yeah, once you make people sick, you need to step back.
Although it’s been years now, you could probably cook for the masses again
Subscribe link keeps saying “Oops. Something went wrong”. So I hope I’m still on your e-mail list!
When my husband forgets to remove his Insulin from the fridge (it’s painful to inject cold) I tell him to put it between his thighs or armpit and it works wonders getting it to room temperature quickly.
I’d eat your chocolate chip cookies no matter where you stash the ingredients (or does that sound icky?).
i THINK it is fixed now. And nope, not icky at all. My cookies are amazing.
Speaking as someone who worked in restaurants as a line cook for ten years, 1) you’re doing fine, and 2) don’t ask, just eat.
Yeup! I just refuse to think about it.
How did I never think to use herd immunity as a justification for eating food at a potluck? Probably because I’ve never thought about the food at a potluck. Now, however, I will think about it, and I will also trust herd immunity to protect me because, yes, the crab dip is indeed to die for. And deviled eggs are a terrible thing to waste. Also it doesn’t bother me that you lick your fingers. That just tells me the food has got to be good. The same is true with the, er, personal touch you give the butter you use for the cookies.
The only time I ever worried about food at the potluck when I was in line behind a coworker I’ll just call M who would pick things up, take a bite out of them, and put them back. From then on I always got in line in front of her. Problem solved.
Yeah, that’s just nasty. There is someone I work with that touches EVERYTHING.
Our mountain friends call my cookies “thigh butter cookies”
None of this bothers me at all. Not even the thigh warmed butter. However, if I am cooking for my vegan best friend, I am on high alert. If anything that is not vegan touches the vegan stuff, it is no longer considered vegan. If someone cross contaminates a vegan dish by using a utensil from a non-vegan dish, that dish moves over to the meat/dairy table and the offender is publicly shamed. Oh sure, I’ll eat something you dropped on the floor but I will protect my vegan friend at all costs!!
My son was vegan for about a year. He is vegetarian now. I understand the cross contamination thing. It will not stand.
Oh God. My mom used to ask me in the public bathroom,”So did you tinkle (her word not mine..) on your fingers?” I’d say of course no. “Then why should you wash your hands?” So I’m like Karen. And I can blame my mother. What better? Thank goodness I work alone.
HAHAHAHA I love you!
Lol, I do the finger licking too, can’t help it!
I do it without even thinking about it