Randy and I were watching Sons Of Anarchy and discussing the guy who walked out of his hotel room leaving behind the dead body of a woman he killed.

Me: I don’t think I’d be comfortable leaving a dead body in a hotel room. Even with the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.

Randy: Not to mention, in about 5 hours, the body would start to stink.

I was skeptical. I’ve accidentally left hamburger out for 5 hours and it didn’t stink. It wasn’t wrapped up in skin or anything and that dead girl might have had on deodorant or perfume as well. My hamburger had neither.

I was going to disagree with him and offer my anecdotal evidence.

I decided I could put the potential bizarre argument off by just googling ‘how long does it take a dead human body to start stinking’?

But I didn’t.

I’m not the one who is usually conservative when it comes to doing things that MIGHT get us into trouble.

For instance, I got a speeding ticket last month and didn’t have my insurance card. I neglected to show proof of insurance because I paid my fine on line and thought…well…they got their fucking money. I’m sure they forgot all about the proof of insurance thing.

HAHAHAFUCKINGHA. Of course, they didn’t.

I got a notice yesterday that my driver’s license was about to be suspended for TWO FUCKING YEARS. Randy was worried. That mail sat on the table for 6 days before someone got around to opening it. So, right off the bat, I lost 6 of the 21 days they were giving me before revoking my license. Personally, knowing I had 21 days to take care of it, meant I had at LEAST another week to ignore it.

Randy was not happy. I’m pretty sure he thinks I live right on the edge of my own Orange Is The New Black.

I sent the proof of insurance in the same day. I didn’t want Randy to start researching criminal lawyers and how much we’d have to sell to hire one. We basically have two older televisions, old computers, and yard sale furniture. I don’t think Saul Goodman would be interested in the $250 we could raise.

This time, however, I put the brakes on. I wanted to google the dead body stinking question, but thought…what if the NSA breaks my door down and tears up my house? What if I become a suspect in a murder due to me wanting to win a dumb argument that hadn’t even started over a television show.

I’ve never explored the attic space in this house. I never saw the new owners even ONCE after we moved in. Maybe, they’ve been up there the whole time. I can’t risk the NSA finding them. I look terrible in orange. I  don’t want to fight or have sex with women or clean the bathrooms that many women use.

So..instead of GOOGLING ‘how long does it take for a dead human body to stink’ I decided to just write a blog post about it instead.

When the NSA gets here, they are going to have a lot of questions.

Ma’am, we will get to why you need to know how a corpse smells in a few minutes. But first, we’d like to ask you about a few other things.

For instance, why are you interested in reading about spells that can cause your co-workers to catch on fire without burning down the building?

Why do you need to beat a lie detector test?

Who is Sister Christine and why do you want to build a time machine so you can go back to 1973 and put holy water in her coffee mug?

While having every Tiger Beat magazine published from 1970 through 1979 isn’t illegal, trying to trade them on Craigslist for ice cream sandwiches and lighter fluid does cause us to raise an eyebrow.

I’d also like to go ahead a clear a few things up for you. 

There is no ‘number to Hollywood’ that you can call to set up a time to be in a movie with Robert Downey Jr. That isn’t how Hollywood works. 

No one is going to hire you to provide sarcasm for their business. 

I don’t think the internet is going to know WHY sometimes the bathroom at work smells like perm solution. It’s possible one of your coworkers just needs more fiber. 

And my wife can give you quite a few easy yet tasty crock pot recipes. None of them are negative calorie, though. There’s no such thing as negative calorie crock pot dinners. 

I haven’t always misused the internet. Sometimes I use it for valid searches.

For instance, once I used it to find out how to read an MRI after I injured myself. After carefully studying one site for at least 90 seconds, I was able to determine that I had a duck in my shoulder.

Also, since the internet, I don’t overdraw my checking account nearly as much as I used to. Real time banking information is like magic!

By the way, I ended up googling my question anyway. It takes a few days before a corpse starts to smell bad.