Well, I’m finished. Done. No more gifts to buy.

Randy and I made Christmas for each other super easy. He attending the 2020 Erma Bombeck’s Writer’s Workshop conference with me. I can’t wait. I can’t even stand to think about how many sleeps it is until the conference gets here.

So, that is our gift to each other.

I mean, if I could get just one more gift, I think I’d want Randy to rent a grown up for me.

I don’t need a grown up all the time. Maybe, just 8 hours.

I need a grown up to explain my medical bills to me. And all the mail I get from the health insurance company. I stopped opening them years ago. I just wait for someone to call and say “Hey, you owe this much” and I say “Set up a payment schedule.”

I am reasonably sure there is a more grown up way to handle this.

Or perhaps, someone to make a meal plan for a week. You know, do the shopping, and all the prep work. Then we can let the food rot in the fridge and call door dash.

I’d even be happy with someone lining my work clothes up for a week. Then, I’d have no more mornings that go like this:

Fuck. Fuckity fuck. I don’t have a clean shirt. What do we have here…hmmm. A jersey that says Goner Records on it and that stupid hippy dippy purple shirt that you’ve had for 20 years. And you need a camisole for that. Do you know where your camisole is? Do you even still have a camisole? Okay, we’ll turn the jersey inside out and wear a blazer over it. It will be fine. 

You know what would be even better? A rent a grown up subscription.

So, once a month, for 12 months, you’d get a different grown up with a different set of skills.

In January, you’d get someone for 8 hours who shows you where to find the best after Christmas deals. And, if you buy gifts for the next Christmas, your grown up stores them in a easy-to-find place.

February would bring a grown up to help you shop for food that doesn’t turn into a soupy mess before you get around to eating it. Your shopper will buy avocados and prepare them so they are actually eaten. Which is something that has only happened a handful of times in my house. I’ve bought plenty of avocados, but I mostly just throw them away.

March follows up with a grown up who will help you get a good exercise routine going. Since February got your diet in order, March’s grown up gets you moving. Add steps when you can. For instance, when you get up for the 4th time in the night to pee, take the stairs down to the family room and use that bathroom. Then you might as well stop and do the dishes left in the sink. Perhaps write a few thank you notes. Oh, and learn to knit. Lazy bitch. 

March’s grown up is apparently kind of an asshole.

April’s rent a grown up will be a tax expert.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAHAHA. No one can help me. No one.

May’s grown up effortlessly cleans up the front yard and plant plants that won’t die horrific deaths. I am a monster in the plant world. I buy them and kill them. I don’t mean to, but I don’t think that makes me any less a monster.

June’s grown up organizes the monthly bills and sets a budget. They will work out a great plan for retirement for those of us who didn’t so much “fail to plan” as had “life kick them in the fucking balls”. And also, perhaps, just aren’t good with the whole grown up handling of money. The plan works out great as long as we both get 2nd and 3rd jobs and work until we are 83.

July brings a grown up who assists you in throwing the perfect grown up outdoor party.

They’ll build a horse shoe set up and teach you which socks pair best with sandals.

August’s grown up will be an expert in small talk. August teaches you how to comfortably deal with any social situation like a functioning grown up. By the time August leaves, you’ll be able to talk about weather and politics without upsetting anyone.

September is dedicated to home maintenance. September’s grown up will probably spend the whole time shaking their head and wondering why anyone would live in a house for over a year without getting a carbon monoxide leak in the basement fixed. Who does that?

October’s grown up is all about crafting.

They’ll teach how to organize and store your supplies. They will tell you where to get the best craft supply deals. They will also spend a significant amount of time dissuading you from covering failed projects in glitter. It just never helps. Never.

November and we are back to the holiday season. November’s grown up is just going to come over and get drunk with you.

December brings the last grown up in the subscription. This grown up is going to follow you around and tell you how amazing you are and how much you’ve grown. They will make you hot chocolate before they leave. They will also pee a little on your toilet seat. December’s grown up is super old.

So, I ask you…is this too much to ask for Christmas from my husband?

Photo courtesy of Ryan McGuire.