See what I did there?
One thing I love about summer? Flip flops. I love flip flops. I could wear them every day for the rest of my life and be happy.
I am hard on shoes. Always have been. I tore shoes up the way a hamster chews up newspaper. When I had my first communion at St. Augustine in 1971, I got the most gorgeous pair of white patent shoes. I think they were on my feet for five seconds before I knocked them together and put big black streaks on them. My dad was pissed.
I went through countless pairs of saddle oxfords in grade school and junior high. I wore Dr. Scholls and water buffaloes in high school. When I finally got out on my own, I could barely afford rent and food, but I always had money for shoes. I found this shoe store in downtown Cincinnati that sold pumps in every color for under ten bucks. I had them all.
My love affair with shoes has cooled over the years. I won’t wear high heels anymore because they are dangerous and hurt my feet. But not flip flops. I’ve worn flip flops for as long as I can remember.
Turns out, I should have been afraid of the flip flops.
Every other year or so, I find the perfect pair. My favorite pair right now have a pink and black mesh for the between your toes part and soft black rubber for the soles. I’ve worn grooves into the rubber. You can even see the shape of my toes in them. I love these shoes.
They turned on me.
My insomnia is kicking my ass.
I have projects at work that are so stressful I’m breaking out. Seriously. I have a zit on my chest that looks like a third nipple. I compared my zit to my actual nipples and I think the zit looks slightly better.
All I wanted was a break. Just a respite for a few hours.
After work on Tuesday, I asked Randy to go to the movies with me. I wanted to see Spy starring Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham. I love Melissa McCarthy. She cracks me the fuck up. Jason Statham? He’s just so goddamn pretty.
We usually don’t go to a movie more than once a year. That’s a good thing because movie popcorn makes me sick to my stomach, yet I am incapable of not eating it.
I took my fancy work flip flops off and put my comfy, perfect rubber shoes on and off we went.
The girl working the concession stand put an obscene amount of ‘not butter’ on my popcorn and I got a vat of soda.
I didn’t notice the girl mopping the floor. I certainly didn’t see the ‘wet floor’ sign.
I turned to walk from the counter, stepped on the wet floor and my traitorous rubber shoes slid on the wet floor.
To say that I fell is an understatement.
My feet went out from under me and I fell in a hail of popcorn, soda and ice. The fall was so spectacular, that it was deserving of a theme song.
I’m not a Bon Jovi fan, but Blaze Of Glory comes to mind.
I went down and my overpriced popcorn and soda went up. Well, for a moment. I landed on my right hip and then was showered with greasy drippy popcorn and sticky Coke.
I spent a few seconds on the floor in complete denial. I will pretend this didn’t happen. If I just sit here and pretend it didn’t happen, then it will go away.
Randy had been halfway across the lobby and was making his way back to me. I could see the concern on his face. It matched the concern on the manager’s face who was rushing toward me with an incident report for me to fill out.
The poor little girl who was mopping babbled about being sorry and how she didn’t mean for anyone to fall down. I wanted to reassure her, but I was trying to stand up and not fall down again as I had made the wet floor doubly wet. My clothes were soaked through. I had popcorn in my hair. There were people staring at me.
My hip was in agony. I couldn’t even pop up and do the little ‘I’m okay’ wave. I had a moment of panic that I had actually entered the ‘broken hip’ years. I’m not ready for the broken hip years. I got to my feet and my hip both felt like it was on fire and also missing. I don’t know how else to describe the feeling.
The manager asked if I was okay and asked me to fill out the incident report.
I looked at the time on my phone and said “My movie starts in 3 minutes, can I just go watch the movie and fill it out afterward?” He agreed and I took Randy’s arm and hobbled away.
Tears threatened, but I held them in. Randy carried my replacement popcorn and soda and walked slow while I tried to walk without a limp.
The movie was pretty much what I expected. We both laughed.
They didn’t put any ‘not butter’ on my replacement popcorn and it still made me sick to my stomach.
That was three days ago.
The first few days were difficult. I wasn’t sure if I was just really sore or if I had actually injured myself.
I think now that I’m just bruised. I’m still sore, but my limp is nearly gone.
I still love my rubber shoes.
A delightfully descriptive piece. I saw the whole thing in technicolour slow mo.
I too fell recently — off my bike first time out this year. My spill wasn’t nearly as spectacular as yours, but I surely felt equally silly:
http://amazingsusan.com/2015/05/24/i-fell-off-my-bike/
I’m struck by our creative capacity to write stellar headlines. We rock. Not.
hahaha!
Thanks for the link…at least I am not alone
I’m glad it’s easing off, and on your recommendation I watched Spy, thanks for that, very funny.
I think the answer for women over 40 with the klutz gene, which I also have, is bubble wrap, lots and lots of bubble wrap. That way when we fall over it’s not a problem and we get to pop a load of the bubbles in spectacular fashion.
OMG bubble wrap would have made it perfect. Glad you liked Spy!
I used to have a pair of Croc flip-flops that betrayed me every time they found a drop of water. And for what it’s worth, my dad has a pair of shoes that do the same thing and it wasn’t pretty when he slid off of the side rail of his pick-up and came down hard on his non-padded man backside. I’m glad you’re starting to feel better though.
The idea of all of us middle agers stumbling around in bubble wrap per KK had me giggling too.
It would be funny to see!
I LOVE flip flops. My preference is to either be barefoot or wear flip flops. And I do the whole “I’m just gonna lay here for a minute and no one will see me” when I fall. (which is disturbingly often. Pretty sure a broken hip is in my future) I’m glad your hip is feeling better!
Sorry you got hurt, and hope it’s better now. Reminds me of the time I slipped and fell in the grocery story…it was liquid fabric softener on the floor…I was just bruised, but sure smelled good after. I love flip flops and wear them year round, and they can get you in trouble…Oh, Spy movie was so funny! Glad you got to see it!
Don’t blame your beloved flip flops–it was the wet floor. I can’t believe that the manager came running to you with that form so quickly. I hope he showed at least a modicum of concern for you along with his fear of getting sued. I live in flip flops because when I put closed toe shoes on I overheat almost immediately. It has to be below 40 degrees for me to go outside not wearing flip flops. Speaking of shoes from the 70s, did you ever wear Famolares–those shoes with the wavy soles? I’m sorry that fall hurt your hip so much and am glad you’re recovering. Being in your 50s ain’t for sissies.
Oh NO. No broken hips please! So sorry to hear this, but I laughed out loud at the need for a theme song. A scene in Oceans Eleven came to mind with the 80’s song “Take My Breath Away” lol.
And we must be related, because I have about 100 pairs of shoes, fun, beautiful, sexy, vampy, colorful shoes…but I live barefoot. Pretty sure I need to have an Imelda Marcos yard sale.
Being a fall connoisseur, I give this one a 10. My guess is that the shoes only wanted a little recognition, they weren’t really turning on you. Hope your hip feels better!
I am so sorry to hear about your ‘unexpected flight’. Damn those flip flops. Hope your bruises (inside and outside) fade away and you’re back to prancing across floors soon.
I live in fear of falling. I was helping my son move into his dorm a few years back and fell with a load of his stuff in my arms and at first all he could say was get up Mom I don’t want anyone to see you on the ground. I was laying there with blood pooring out of my knees and his junk all around me while thinking if I could get up I would just get in my car and go home. Then he saw the blood and started freaking out. It was good times. The 200 mile drive home was painful and messy because every time I moved my legs the blood would run down my legs again. Bandaids were not enough to stop the flow. The kicker was some football coach came up and said that’s what happens when you wear flip flops. I still wear them.
Fuck that coach. Seriously…what’s wrong with ‘are you okay? Can I help’?
I would have helped you.
I know you would help. Because you have a heart. He was just a dick.
I fell on my butt getting out of the Paratransit truck one time, and it was all about the incident reports and the call backs to make sure I wasn’t actually hurt. No, East Bay Paratransit, I am not going to sue you, I like you a WHOLE LOT, actually…
Sorry to hear about your gravitational adventure, hope you are feeling better soon, and also that your work-projects come out well.
Thank you! I am feeling much better.
Glad you didn’t break a hip! Remember when you’d fall and be more concerned about your pride than breaking bones?!
My husband “cleaned” our hard wood floors with pledge, unbeknownst to me. (I was wearing socks) and opening a bottle of medicine when my feet went one way and I went another. I swear my pills fell in slo mo. Nothing broken but ouch. I had to use a waking stick for a bit. My cats liked that stick and jumped at it when I’d go downstairs. I ended up falling down stairs. No broken bones though! Yay!
Thanks for sharing, sorry you fell and sorry I laughed.
I’m glad you laughed..
I started cringing as soon as I read ‘Pledge’. Holy shit.
You know it’s bad when no one claps. Ouch
Dude…NO applause at all.
I love, love, love flip flops. If I could wear them everyday, I would. There cheap, comfy and have worn about half a dozen pairs to the point that they have fallen apart. I am glad you didn’t break your hip and hope your bruise goes away soon.
I wear them out all the time. And I feel better now. A slight twinge, but it’s fading. thank you. 🙂
Good nothing broken and your still in one piece!! Also no damage to your beloved flip flops . Have you seen what they call fit flops I love them as I am only 5ft tall they give my a little lift and great support when there’s to much vodka with the tonic . By the way what was it you said you where drinking , sorry British humor
I have never heard of fit flops. I will have to check them out.
Hahaha..I didn’t drink until I got home. Tequila.
You must be part Australian. Thongs ( yes, I know that means something else…but pictue butt crack as representing divide between big toe and its neighbour and the logic of our word choice is evident)．… thongs are part of our national costume.
Hope the boys are taking extra good care of you.
And I hope you win the battle between work-stress and insomnia soon.
We USED to call them thongs. I knew what you meant. 🙂
I hope I conquer insomnia too..it’s a dick.
Flip flops are the ultimate in comfy until they cause a fall or a sprained foot. Yes, that happened to me once. I hope you’re recovering okay. I hate falling let alone in public places and I know that feeling of the stinging behind the eyes. Tears of embarrassment. So, the movie was pretty good? I love Melissa McCarthy too but her movies lately have been kind of missing the mark. Maybe this one is better. I enjoyed Identity Thief.
I thought she was pretty good in this. I agree, they have missed the mark. I couldn’t finish Tammy. I thought it was dumb.
I do stupid shit like that all the time! Hubby says I have no clue how to break a fall. I’m just all in. When I hit the ground I just keep my eyes shut and go by the theory that if I can’t see them then they can’t see me! It works every time! Then if it’s in a place where I get away without witnesses I still don’t get away from it. Hubby will come running acrossed the room screeching like a woman who is 9 inches dilated and causes everyone that hadn’t look to start. Just keep your eyes closed next time! Glad nothing is broken.
I LOVE THIS ADVICE.
I’m closing my eyes from now on. 🙂
Oh, how I miss flip-flops!! Plantar faciitis and IT band syndrome limit my flip flop time to around the house for a couple of hours….Glad you are okay
Thank you.
Ohhh..I have had plantar faciitis before and that is so goddamn painful. Mine healed, thank god.
wow…been there done that. Glad you made it through ok.
me too!! It was painful and embarrassing and I survived.
I wish I could say I’m happy that you weren’t seriously injured, but I’m not. I’m happy you still love your flip flops. I’m happy you’re still wearing flip-flops.
Oh, yeah, I’m also really happy you weren’t seriously injured, but a broken hip would have healed. If this had turned you off wearing flip-flops ever again that wound would have been with you for life.
I am dedicated to my rubber shoes. No worries.
No fake butter on the replacement popcorn??? The outrage.
I know! That was nearly as bad as the bruised hip.
OH THEY WILL SO HAVE TO PRY MY FLIPFLOPS FROM MY COLD DEAD FEET 🙂
but Im also (obsess much Carla?) already focused on those broken hip years.
((ponders))
Must stop as I will employ the law of attraction accidentally.
oh man…I need to take my cue from you. I focus on the bad stuff WAAAAAAY too much.
Jesus Murphy woman you watched the movie after all that!? WTF were you thinking? I’m laughing, shaking my head in disbelief, cringing from embarrassment, and picturing the whole event in technicolor. Randy should put you in one of those kiddie harnesses. Okay that just sounds kinky. But I didn’t mean it that way. Randy stop smirking!
(water buffaloes…takes me back)
I really wanted to watch the movie. I had to sit through the movie in soaked pants.
I’m so ashamed of myself…that I laughed. Until I realized you were hurt and I stopped. I’m so sorry. I’m glad nothing is broken.
Hahah…I’m glad you laughed. I should at least get some laughs out of it.
First of all – you are incredibly prolific with your posting! I’m gone a week and I have a hundred posts to catch up on. OK, perhaps I’m exaggerating just a tad. Have you seen those body airbags that are made for motorcyclists? That’s what you need – you’d be protected in any eventuality. Also – did you get free movies for life?? You should get free movies for life!
I didn’t get SHIT from them. The bastards. And my hip has been aching since.