Any time I post a search term Tuesday post it’s because I’m tired and I can’t think of anything to write about. So, I just look at the search terms people use and end up at my blog. I have to give these people credit, they’re creative and somewhat scary.
I can’t use more than half of them because they are truly vile. I will only say this: Stop searching mother/son sexual stuff. You sick fucks.
Mostly, they are funny and they make me feel better about my abysmal spelling skills:
what is a spasmodic accommodator I am! I am a spasmodic accommodator! It’s not that weird, really. It has to do with a vision problem. Although, I’m pretty sure if it meant something else, it would still apply to me.
Michelle Not even kidding, someone googled just my first name. Whoever found my blog on this search term really loves Michelles and wants to know about all of them. I got to page 35 and had just gotten to Sarah Michelle Geller entries, I’m guessing Rubber Shoes would have shown up around the 1000 page mark. Or so. Seriously, the first lady and Michelle Duggar are using up way too many google pages.
I vomited in hotel room fee Man, they are charging for everything these days, right? I wonder how that even shows up on the bill?
I fucked my nanny Well…now you’re just bragging. And bragging to google gets you no where. That’s no way to go through life.
He touched my boops Boop.
scary elf fucks to gils on chirmeass I don’t even know where to start with this. Also, have you guys even started your chirmeass shopping yet? Sadly, I just double checked to make sure I spelled ‘chirmeass’ correctly.
I’m not having a hot flash – I am having a short tropical vacation Okay, this bears repeating. Hot flashes are not tropical moments. Tropical moments are pleasant. Hot flashes are like being squeezed between satan’s butt cheeks.
how to prevent a ring of mood in the toilet bowl I think we’ve all asked ourselves this question, haven’t we? And I still think having toilet seats made out of that mood ring material is a brilliant idea.
adult fucked Again…how many pages deep did this person have to go to get to my blog? Half the goddamn internet is porn. They had to have gone through half the goddamn internet. I hope they weren’t disappointed.
My love must be a kite of my love Yay!! This can only mean that I’m not the only one who misheard the lyrics to this song!
Why did the dentist put a rubber cap over the tooth nub? Is it just me, or does this sound like a ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ kind of riddle? We need to answer this question, people.
Simulating legal blindness with wax paper I have wax paper in my kitchen. I never use it. I don’t even know why I have it. At least someone is putting their wax paper to good use.
if he finger fucks you does it mean he loves you? Of course it does! Open dialogue, mutual respect, mutual interests and finger fucking. Those are the things that define love.
How to survive all day meetings You can’t. Don’t even try. Just give up and die.
bifocals suck You know, I would agree with this, but what I’ve found is that they suck even worse when you lose them.
Well, that was interesting. And it warms my heart to know that so many people are putting the internet to good use. The information we have available to us boggles my mind, we can find out about anything we want, and these are the things people are searching for. On the other hand, I should probably get off my high horse. I’ve spent way too much time watching videos of screaming goats to judge how other people use their internet time.
Screaming goats… sounds like I have a plan for the day!
You won’t be sorry. They’re hysterical.
You know, I’ve never done one of these posts. Maybe the time is coming….
You really should. It’s enlightening and disturbing.
Oh my God! I should no better to sit down and read your posts when I have to pee! Thank God for Depends…just kidding maybe! People are weird and you are hilarious!
Hahhaha…thank you!!!
even the weird search engine people are jumping the gun on Chrimeass. Is nowhere safe?
I’m reading that as Cry Me Ass.
I haven’t managed to get hit on by the search engines lately – but it’s always interesting seeing what people will search and how many hits they’ll sift through. I have never in my life been bored enough to page through more than 4 pages of hits to find something out. Of course I guess life is simpler when you aren’t searching really odd things.
Yeah, I really wanted to know how deep they had to go and after about 10 minutes I got horribly bored
Why did the dentist put a rubber cap over the tooth nub?
Because you don’t have $1,000 to fix it the right way.
I am always jealous of the terms some of y’all get just in terms of hilarity. The “big” one for me this week was “is pink a more punk color than red?”
I’m going to say no..it’s not..but I’m not sure.
As for the dentist thing, just be glad you don’t live in Ottawa. Recently a dentist here was…disbarred? De-dentist-licensed? for using ANOTHER PATIENT’S TEETH to replace a patient’s missing ones. I’m thinking the rubber cap sounds kind of excellent now.
oh HELL no. ew ew ew ew.
holy twatwaffles!!!! i was smh through that hot mess. hysterical shit right there! wow! just wow.
You should see the ones I couldn’t put on there. OMG.
I’d love to be at Google where I had access to all this data. These guys probably love their jobs more than anyone else on the planet.
It has to be entertaining. I bet they have more nightmares than the average person too, though.
Oh gosh, I laughed SO HARD at some of these. And now I have a terrible, terrible earworm for the day: Who capped the tooth nub? (Who? Who? Who?) Also, if I sat on a mood-ring toilet seat while I was having a hot flash, it would explode. That is all.
I now have your ear worm. HAHHAAH.
I didn’t consider the mood ring toilet seat with hot flashes. You’re right.That could be a fire starter right there.
Bifocals do suck. But not as much when the dentist fucks your nanny and touches your boops.
I HATE it when the dentist messes with my boops.
You’ve made my morning and inspired me to look at my search terms. Though I have a feeling they won’t be nearly as exciting as yours 😉
You might be surprised!
Obviously, my blog is not anywhere NEAR as exciting as yours! LOL
It’s just because I don’t censor my language on my blog. Hubs says I get these searches because of my potty mouth. It’s a small price to pay. haha.
Your search terms are way better than ours. Now I have search term envy.
Hahaha..it’s only because I say ‘fuck’ a lot.
Boop.
.
I should probably do one of these soon. I had an ongoing list I was saving up for a 12 Days of Christmas joke, but I realized yesterday that even after weeding out the ones that weren’t quite as funny as the others, I still have twice as many as I need, because people are FUCKING WEIRD. And sometimes awesome, but mostly weird.
Hahah..well, you’ll have next year’s post as well then!!!
These are awesome– so awesome. I think every blogger should post their search queries on a regular basis just so we can compare notes. I just checked my stats and my top two search terms are “bed handcuffs” and “big dicks road trip”. If I was young and unmarried, I would love to take a big dicks road trip.
Those notes would be so freaking interesting!
I want to start a blog just for the search terms, I feel kind of left out. And lately I’ve been using that swirly typing on my tablet, which is sort of like the sorcerer’s apprentice in that it’s magical that it can figure out real words when I wave my finger around, but frequently fucks up. The point is, although I’m a good speller, I make a lot of mistakes in searching on Google. Pretty sure those Google geeks are laughing at me. Go ahead, you bastards!
Also, it’s not “I bless the rains down on Africa”? Your commenters are geniuses. Well, most of them.
Hahahah…they are geniuses!
I want a sorcerer tablet!!!
You should *definitely* publish the ones you censored 😉
Dude…they are so goddamn disturbing. I mean…really really gross.
That’s half the fun, right?
I 100% agree with this. My curiosity is killing me.
Trust me when I tell you, you really don’t want to know. It would be like getting all curious about ‘blue waffles’ and then googling images. Something seen cannot be unseen.
Haha!! I love it. You got some crazy people here, including me. No–I didn’t google any of that shit but still I’m here, right? I’m listening to the song with a stupid smile. One of the search terms on my site is “lisa thomson naked…”. Who is that sick fuck? Probably someone I know, that’s the scary part.
Oh god..at least I haven’t had that search yet. hahah..
And I’mm SO GLAD you’re still here.
Most of my search terms are about child porn, which only slightly kind of not really makes sense because I talk about children’s private parts in reference to gender not mattering. At first I got offended and saddened, but now I’m happy that I’m delaying their true search.
That is a good way of looking at it! Yeah…I get some really bad ones like that. And multiple searches about watching moms pee. wtf?
This right here is what makes me glad I got a new computer SO I DON’T MISS THESE.
What the actual ?
I think Blogger doesn’t give us this option, or I don’t know where to look, or I’m afraid to find out. I’ve seen only a couple of my search terms, but they usually refer to mermaids or singing in the shower (which I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about). I’m so boring…
Missed you-!
HELLO!!! I’ve missed you terribly, you shower singing mermaid, you…
“Scary elf fucks two girls on Christmas”.
Years of watching the Internet drag the English language through the muck has made me an expert on illiteratese.
Although I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to make a sentence ending in ‘Crimea’.
I figured that is what it meant…I guess it’s hard to type with just the one hand….
These posts always amuse me. ………………….. Wait, 90% of your posts amaze me – the other 10% make me think !!!!
Have the best day !
Me xox
Clearly I haven’t even woken up yet because that should have read – 90% of your posts amuse me (although there are probably a fair few that amaze me as well !!!)
HAHAHA…I knew what you meant!!!! XO
Wow, those are some weird search terms! Just think, before Google was invented, people had to contemplate those questions all by themselves!
Hahahaha…it was a frustrating time for these people, I’m sure..
I’m honestly not sure whether I love your blog posts more, or the comments and your responses Michelle.
Your comments thread really needs ‘Like’ buttons 🙂
This is your ‘Like’ button click Angel 🙂
Those are some crazy search term. I thought I had some doozies but yours take the cake.
What kind of porn are they expecting to find on a site called Rubber Shoes in Hell? On second thought, never mind, I don’t want to know.
lol Doug
HAHAHAAH. Welll..there is that.
What a crack-up. Still laughing!!!
Satan’s butt cheeks. I’m crying.
HAHAH…well…it’s accurate.
Some are truly fascinating especially the ones that would be X rated in an imperfect world
Yep!
I think I am glad I can’t figure out how to look at my search terms. That shit is weird!
It really is..some of them are upsetting.
I would have imagined in a just and sane universe, that you’d rank way higher than Michelle Duggar. And the wax paper thing, somebody must have left that in my kitchen, because I certainly wouldn’t have purchased it. I think it’s from 1984 or something.
Hahaha…I think mine sneaked in during the night or something.
“chirmeass”
I think this may well replace my use of $winterholiday! for that time of year. And I don’t know why*, but this sounds like a thing that is full of candy. Like a cross-eyed Santa pinata filled to the brim with Peppermint Patties and Bits o’Honey.
….
* – Actually, I’m pretty sure it is the high octane coffee + allergy medications that are making me think this.
I have never wanted a bit o honey more than I do RIGHT NOW. haha.
I mainly see “Unknown search terms” for me. A Google search revealed something about Google and SSL or some shit, but other bloggers see the “good” stuff. ?? I’m jealous. How can I see search terms? I feel like I’m totally missing out!
it’s on my wordpress analytics, under the jetpack plug in
I get the gross mom boy porn searches too. WTF. I thought it was from when my son was ill and I said that he loves mommy best but nope!!! GROSSSSSS
I’d be proud for Satan’s Butt Cheeks though and probably just typing it made it get one more rank right?
hahaah…I don’t think i’ve ever had a ‘satan’s butt cheeks’ but (butt) maybe I will now.
HA! Is “ring of mood” a new age version of “ring of fire”? ’cause if it is, I’m in deep shit.
Uh…literally?
A ring of mood fire.