So, Randy wrote “Secret Santa Letters & Gifts From President Trump to His Favorite World Leaders”. He hasn’t been a guest writer in quite a while. I thought this was funny.
Might as well laugh as much as we can.
Dear Mr. Putin,
С Рождеством!
It’s me, making secret Santa great again. Here’s a bigly gift I picked out just for you and I can tell you lightweight China president 11 Jinping will be jealous. Here’s the deed for the State of California!
Just think, when adding this tremendous gift to your economy, you will be a shoo in for the G8!
I’m so tremendously happy I picked your name. Keep guessing until the fake news reveals your secret Santa.
Your secret genius servant,
Wouldn’t you like to know ho ho
p.s. We’re building a moat filled with alligators on California’s northern border to keep loser liberals from Oregon and Washington from infecting your incredible gift.
***
Dear President 11 Jinping,
Seng Dan Fai Lok
It’s me, your secret Shen Dan Lao Ren. Here’s a bigly gift I picked out just for you.
Enclosed find a copy of what many smart people say is the greatest book ever, ‘The Art of the Deal” (just ahead of my favorite, Mein Kampf!).
You may hear fake news about loser Mr. Putin getting California as a gift. Don’t be jealous, believe me, as soon as you finish negotiations with the very stable genius in the U.S., many people are saying you’ll be gifted Australia or the whole African continent.
I’m so tremendously happy I picked your name. Keep guessing until the fake news reveals your secret Santa.
Your secret friend,
Wouldn’t you like to know ho ho!
p.s. Just in case Australia or Africa are not available, you’ll get the deed to Mexico!
***
Dear Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un,
Merry Christmas!
It’s me, your secret Santa. Here’s a bigly gift I picked out just for you
Enclosed please find this yuge collection of incredible used sweatbands from your favorite N.B.A. player, Manute Bol.
I’m so tremendously happy I picked your name. Keep guessing until the fake news reveals your secret Santa.
Your secret friend,
Wouldn’t you like to know ho ho!
p.s. Just in case Manute Bol has run out of sweatbands, you’ll receive a game worn athletic supporter from Celtic great, Brian Scalabrine!
p.s.s. If you stop firing missiles until November 4, 2020, believe me, you’ll get a bonus gift to be named later, sk?
***
Dear President Erdogan,
Merry Christmas!
It’s me, your secret Santa. Here’s a bigly gift I picked out just for you. Here are the ownership rights to a strip of land in Northern Syria and low energy New Zealand!
You may hear fake news about other haters and losers receiving game worn athletic equipment, but believe me, your gift is the best!
I’m so tremendously happy I picked your name. Keep guessing until the fake news reveals your secret Santa.
Your secret admirer,
Wouldn’t you like to know ho ho!
p.s. Just in case New Zealand is not available, you’ll be getting yuge collection of incredible used sweatbands from N.B.A. player, Manute Bol.
Thank you for making me laugh
You’re welcome, Jo-Anne. – Randy
As usual, your blog was a bright spot! Thank you Randy for the yuge lift! I’m looking forward to more additions. I checked out the last one – has it been FIVE YEARS since you were last here? I loved the contributions you used to make with Dude pictures. Take less time to visit us again!
Thank you, Barbara. – Randy
The Russians did have a chunk of California for a while, but they sold it back when the fur trade stopped making them a lot of money, less than a decade before the discovery of gold, so Putie might jump at the chance at getting it back.
Also, the Russians were behind the latest push to break California into chunks and have one of the chunks secede, so maybe he only wants part of it?
There’s still the Russian River and Fort Ross, but even Sarah Palin couldn’t find many actual Russians there, so who knows?
We’ve been living close to the Russian River since April, but now we have to move again, this time probably up to the mountains.
As for Fergus, his gifts to Putin are not, in fact, even Santa level secret.
Thanks, Doug – Russian River – great brewery. – Randy
This is the best post, the very best post, better than all other posts. I know the recipients of all these Secret Santa gifts will agree, and if you hear they don’t it’s fake news. Also Randy is clearly a very stable genius.
Hmmm, Michelle’s eye will twitch when she reads my name + very stable genius. – Randy
it might be twitching a little
Hahaha! what a way to start the week! Thanks, you wild and crazy kids!
You’re welcome, Dara. – Randy
Hilarious! Why is the secret santa not offering inside tips on how to create a great combover? Or even a sample of hair? Hee hee!
Thanks Ernie. There’s so many ludicrous things in the trump hole, I couldn’t bring myself to write a novella. – Randy
The laugh I needed – from the Bigliest and Bestest Man, ever 😉
YAY for laughing!!!