I don’t want to gush or anything, but I am so digging this community of other adults affected by narcissism. What a crazy, fucked up, touching and balls to the wall AMAZING group of people. I read their comments, their emails, and I KNOW they do not see how interesting, quirky, and insightful they truly are. I hope they discover it soon.
Not to be a downer, but we’re all going to die one day. We should find out how hard we rock as quickly as possible.
I’ve read a blog by a fellow ACON named Heather.
She touched on a subject that I have really been avoiding; my own narcissistic habits.
It’s so much easier to write about how I’ve been affected by my narc father. I can recite in great detail the countless ways I’ve been hurt and broken. Poor, poor me.
I don’t want to negate that pain. I’ve done too much of that. However, there is a lot more to being raised by a narcissist than finding yourself a sort of broken and fragile adult.
We all have narcissistic tendencies.
We’re human and we are all a little more enamored with ourselves than we’d like to admit. There is a difference between a normal level of narcissism and 
narcissistic personality disorder.
That being said, I have my share of habits that I picked up from my father.
I don’t listen as hard as I should and I find myself waiting to talk. Granted, with my dad, he didn’t wait. He talked right over people. He still does. At least, I’m polite in my need to talk. I can find myself getting bored fairly quickly with other people’s stories. Of course, I find mine fascinating.
I know that when I was around age 7 or 8, my dad flipped from treating me like a princess to loathing me, ignoring me, or showing contempt for me.
I was no longer a reflection of him.
I wasn’t cruel to my children when they got to be that age, but I do recall they were a lot more annoying to me at that age. Is it because kids that age are pain in the ass, or was I angry with them because I could no longer see myself in them? I truly do not know the answer to these questions. You have NO idea how much I hope it’s because my feelings reflected that kids that age can be little shits and I’m a basically an impatient person.
My father was extremely volatile. We never knew when he would lose his shit, only that it was inevitable. When I was a younger adult, I was much angrier than I am now, but that anger still simmers just below the surface. It comes out when I’m behind the wheel of a car. The other drivers can make my rage go from zero to sixty in seconds.
I don’t want to be like him and I don’t know how to release the anger.
I am trying though. My last speeding ticket made me realize how important it is to deal with this.
Now, when I drive to work, I set my cruise control. No more speeding. I’m trying very hard to understand that I have to share the road with all the other drivers. Even the dumb fucks who are texting or tooling along in the far left lane instead of using it for passing.
I know that I do not have narcissistic personality disorder.
- I admit when I’m wrong.
- I feel empathy and truly care about other people’s feelings.
- I don’t use people.
The more I understand this disorder and how it’s affected me, the more I realize that my damage isn’t just about learning how to find my colors and learning how to trust my opinions. It’s also learning to not be a shit head.
Great post!! And I’m glad I get to make YOU think, too 🙂
I can totally relate to the thing about waiting to talk, and getting impatient with other people’s stories. I’ll find myself wanting someone to “speed it along” even though I really have nothing relevant to add.
Sigh… learning not to be a shit head… harder than one would think. Anger is my main trouble spot, too. It’s why I like the tiny buddha website. I often wonder if I should hang up pretty posters with all the zen sayings. Maybe if I see them enough they’ll start rubbing off…?
Absolutely, you make me think!!!
I read Tiny Buddha as well..and yes..it’s helpful
Ooooh, owie. This post hits the bullseye for me. One of my deepest, darkest fears is that I’m a narcissist, too. In my more rational moments, I can explain to myself the reasons that I’m not: I have empathy; rather than seeing myself in grandiose terms, my self-esteem is on the low side; my interactions with others usually have to do with helping them rather than manipulating them, yadda yadda yadda. But like you, I bear the imprint of my narc father.
Like you and Heather, I’m quick to anger, especially behind the wheel of my car.
Another of my father’s legacies – the one of which I’m the most deeply ashamed – is that I’m critical and judgmental. My father sees life as a zero-sum game: In order for him to win – and winning is everything – someone else has to lose. He operates as if there’s some sort of hierarchy of humans with himself serving as a cosmic judge and scorekeeper. Nearly everyone else on the planet falls short of his standards, and he asserts his superiority with a running commentary on all of the faults that he sees. His comments are downright mean.
I’ve been the object of enough of these verbal poison arrows that I rarely aim them at anyone else (at least not out loud – although when I’m angry or frustrated, I’m not proud of the nasty things I say in my head). Usually, I aim the nastiness at myself. It’s so distressing to hear the abuse I direct at myself and think, “That sounds *just* like something my father would say.”
So my struggle is not to be a shit head to myself. Learning self-compassion is turning out to be a bitch.
Heather, +1 on Tiny Buddha!
I think the fact that we even question it would be enough to prove that we are not.
Someone with NPD would never even consider for a moment that something was wrong with them.
I judge people in my head as well. Then I remind myself that I don’t want to be that way.
We learned what we learned..to want to change is commendable. Forgiving ourselves isn’t easy…but we should keep trying. 🙂
That is right on. According to my last therapist, evaluating our actions and considering how it impacts others and what makes us unhappy about it means we aren’t NPD.
Thank gods!
I second guess myself so often that I know I’m not a narc and I am, if anything, way too empathic. This was probably the reason I ended up being a co-dependant to a serious narc for a so long. I do catch myself in the act sounding like one of the narc members of my family sometimes and it makes me feel ill. I try not to be that person. I hate getting angry and feeling out of control. My ability to dissociate comes from my childhood and is a sociopathic tendency. My counsellor thinks it is one of the things that has allowed me to survive so much though. I am aware of it and I can switch it on or off as a defence mechanism so there is that. It’s been a hard couple of years and the last couple of weeks has been dreadful, no-one can see what he is. Our mutual friends chose him over me, he buys the drinks at the bar after all…and I had to move away to get away from him, so I’m out of sight, out of mind. I do get it…but I wish people could see what he really is, that nothing he ever does is selfless, very public magnanimity makes him seem like something he most certainly is not. Anyway…rant over, first divorce hearing next week. Not looking forward to being in the same room as him…not at all
Sister…I will be thinking of you.
Interesting, I have the same ability to disassociate. Never really thought about it before..but I am good at it.
I can’t wait until this is all over for you. 🙁
This is great. The fact that you realize this and can aptly describe another person’s behavior (and your own potential things to work on) shows you are not suffering from the disorder-at least to me.
Anger is tricky. I have used it as an important tool to get over a tough situation where I might have let someone walk on and utterly use me. I do think it has use. But, the hard part is releasing. Really enjoyed reading this! You are a great, honest writer.
Thank you so much!
I agree, I think if we express NO anger we are bound to get really depressed, and I have enough of that as it is.
Once again, great post on CNP. You are spot on with all of your points.
2 quick comments:
1. Kids between 7-12 and 13-17 are generally punks and being put off by them is completely acceptable to be put off by them sometimes. I’m going through that with my 10 yro daughter. I think the key is to make an effort to know that they are good kids on the inside. We have to make the effort to make them feel as special as they truly are.
2. I think all of us who are/were victims of narcissist have pent up rage that needs to escape us. I know that my temper is ridiculous. Part is the fact that I’m Irish, but I’m sure that a major portion is because I have been put down my whole life. Lashing out won’t do us any good. I still haven’t found my sense of serenity yet, but it is something that I know I need to seek for daily.
My dad is Irish..I’m gonna just focus more on my Scandinavian side. 🙂
And thank you! My youngest is 15 and he’s mostly not annoying. He does have his moments, though. No doubt.
Hey RageRuth 🙂
I’ve met the future you, RageMichelle, and she turns out awesome!
(Oh, yeah…I am SOOO getting better at this 🙂 )
HAHAHA!! I am SO MUCH better now.
My middle name is Ruth and that is how Randy set me up originally…but I wanted to be me, so I switched to Michelle.
But…did you supply the ‘Rage’ part willingly?
*eyebrow raise*
*wink at Randy*
🙂
haha!
I can relate to so much I don’t know where to start. Since this is the season of gratitude (from a made-up holiday) I want to let you know how grateful I am that there are people who get it, and that you share your experience. It is comforting to know I’m not crazy and can get better. Last weekend I remarked to husband that my mother never showed me how to do anything. If I tried, she would grab it out of my hands and do it herself to make sure I knew how useless I was (something she used to call me, in Spanish – “inutil”). He said well that’s in the past and has nothing to do with the present. Little do these normal people know.
Thank you for your blog.
Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful, peaceful holiday.
Hahaha..yeah, that was your past…but we bring the past with us, how can we not? It is part of our present, it is part of us. But we can get better and we are NOT alone. I am rooting for you. I am sorry your mother mistreated you. She was wrong. xo