When you haven’t had bread for weeks and weeks, even slime muffins sound good.
So, I’ve been on this bullshit low carb eating kick for about 6 weeks now. I’m thrilled to be down 10 pounds. That is awesome.
I miss bread.
I miss bread in a way I miss weekends every Monday morning.
Then, I found these “muffin in a minute” recipes. I could have bread again! I just had to buy flax flower and coconut flour and in under five minutes, my bread drought could die. I could make all kinds of muffins! Blueberry muffins! Savory muffins with little bits of bacon in them! I would be in goddamn bread paradise!
Turns out, low carb, one minute muffins have a bit of a slime factor.
I learned that if I go long enough without bread, then I am also willing to pretend slimy muffins with a quiche like consistency are a reasonable substitute. They’re not completely horrible if they are toasted. Way less slime.
It also occurs to me that naming this post “slime muffins” could conceivably draw some disturbing traffic to my blog and force me to acknowledge yet another subculture of icky people.
I get so many disturbing search terms here. Seriously. There are some sick ass motherfuckers out there.
But this post isn’t about slime muffins. Not really.
I told you guys that I would post the short fiction story that didn’t even get 15th place in the contest I entered.
I just wanted to write a little post before the story for people who really aren’t interested in reading not-award winning fiction to have at least a little something else to read.
Anyway, the contest called for short stories no longer than 1000 words. They chose a genre, a setting and an object or an obstacle that had to be included.
My category was ghost story, fast food restaurant, and broken leg. The judges mostly said positive things about my entry. I fucked up a lot of technical stuff, but if you read my blog, you already know that I’m horrible at fucking editing. Editing is boring. I honestly am not sure what the judges said was technically wrong because my eyes glazed over and I started thinking about blueberry slime muffins.
But I digress.
So, here it is. My ghost story in a creepy, fast food restaurant.
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Fries With That?
Sooner Day glanced over at the cell phone sitting on the passenger seat. Her text notification sounded off three times. The texts had to be from her sister, Stevie. Stevie always sent texts in groups of three.
Sooner headed north on highway 98, following the river’s winding path. She adjusted her left leg. Driving in a cast sucked ass.
Through a red mist, Sooner noticed a neon sign promising good food and a short wait.
I don’t remember there being a fast food place along here. I’ll stop and eat. If that hag suspected that I would actually show up, then I wouldn’t put it past her to have arranged poison cookies for me.
Sooner signaled and turned into Nick’s Burgers. She looked for the drive through sign and circled around behind the building.
For all that is fucking holy, what is that smell?
Sooner spied overflowing dumpsters in a dark corner. It smells like week old Chinese food and wide open ass.
She circled the whole building and threw up one hand. No fucking drive through? What kind of fast food place has no drive through?
She parked in front and scanned her texts.
You know, she probably left you her Good Housekeeping magazines and a dead rat. Hope the trip is worth it.
She just wants the final say, you know.
You should have brought me with you.
Sooner shook her head, looked out the window, and sighed. She spoke out loud to no one.. “No, I had to do this myself.”
She wondered, again, why she was named in Mary’s will. “She hated me. From the moment we met.” She remembered when she and Teddy were just dating. Mary told Teddy that Sooner was using him as a crutch. “She’ll never work, you know. She’ll bleed you dry.”
Sooner tapped her phone and responded.
She never forgave me for marrying her son. I never forgave Teddy for turning into her.
Stevie’s response was nearly instant.
You broke your foot right after you got the call that she died.
That was Mary.
Getting her last dig in.
Sooner shoved a finger into her cast and tried to scratch before responding. Yep, I tripped just after I hung up. Probably being punished for thinking that Mary and Teddy could comfort each other in hell now.
Her phone lit up as Stevie’s responses came through.
I told you not to wear those platforms.
You can’t walk in them.
Your legs look haunted.
Sooner laughed .
At least mom and dad didn’t give me a boy name. I stopped to get something to eat. I’ll call you after they read the will.
She waited a moment, knowing more texts would come. Stevie couldn’t stand to not have the last text.
Okay.
I love you.
Be careful.
Sooner shoved her phone into her purse and looked into the brightly lit restaurant. She could see an employee standing behind the counter, but no customers. She looked at the crutches resting beside her and sighed. What a pain in the ass.
Sooner exited her car and stood on one leg while she wrangled out the crutches. She thumped her way to the door and entered the restaurant. Her nose wrinkled against the smell of pine cleaner and thick, unpleasant smells. Like the dumpsters out back.
She approached the counter. A slack faced and pale young man stood behind the register. He stood without moving and stared ahead. Sooner turned her head to see what he was looking at, then turned back to find him looking at her.
“Help you?’
Sooner nodded. “Just an order of fries and a soda, please.”
The cook seemed to awaken from a deep sleep. He dumped frozen fries into bubbling oil while the counter man filled a paper cup with soda. Sooner watched the two men work. They looked odd. Out of place.
She looked down at a red plastic tray in front of her. She looked up and wondered how she missed the guy setting her tray in front of her. He stared at her without speaking and she wanted to be far away from him.
She took her tray and managed to hobble to a booth without dropping her drink or one of her crutches. The crinkle cut fries were crispy to perfection. They were hot, salty, and she doused them in ketchup.
As she licked salt from her fingers, her face felt flush. She could feel her heart thrumming in her chest. She felt terrified. What is wrong with this place?
She looked back at the counter. The cook stood in front of the grill. Not moving. Not speaking. The counter man stared ahead with his mouth slightly ajar.
The silence felt huge and crashed into her brain. She looked at the greasy fries on the red plastic tray and shook her head. She took a long drink of soda. There is no sound. None. How is that even possible? Fuck this. Just leave. Just get up and leave.
Sooner threw her purse over her shoulder and arranged her crutches under her arms. Sweat streamed all the way to her palms. Slick rubber crutch handles caused her hands to slide back and forth over the grips as she hobbled out.
A warm breeze ruffled Sooner’s hair as she escaped Nick’s harsh light. She could feel her anxiety melt away. She opened her car door and tossed her crutches in the back seat, then sat down, and looked up. A text message alert sounded three times
Sooner stared at a burned out building in front of her. Weeds climbed crumbling walls and through shattered windows. The ‘Nick’s Burgers’ sign glowed red in the mist.
Sooner’s stomach erupted. “Oh my God. What did I eat?” “I’m losing my mind. Holy fuck, I am losing my mind.”
Mary’s voice spoke from the passenger seat, “Oh sweetheart. There are worse things than losing your mind.”
I enjoy reading your work. Good job!
Thank you. I was worried about posting fiction.
Fucking LOVE it! Kept me reading to the end and gave me a chill. Were the judges dead too by any chance? It’s really well written – it flows effortlessly. Fuck ’em! They missed a trick here. ha Ha – I don’t ‘do bread’ either. It’s a pain. But it’s a case of either satisfying my taste buds with massive yummy sandwiches and crusty bread rolls or satisfying my eyeballs by looking in the mirror and not seeing a woman with plus size butt implants who could be pregnant with triplets.
I am having a ball getting to know some new bloggers I discovered through your brilliant tribe of depressives 🙂 You are all absoffuckinglutely brilliant, humorous writers and you have restored my interest in blog world. I was getting SO bored with the superficiality I was seeing. I may now find the courage to write in my own humorous voice which is what I love best. Thank you!
YAY!! Let it all out sister…it’s freeing!
And thank you. 🙂
I’m very well familiar with slimy muffins as I cannot eat regular wheat flour. You get used to them though, if that’s any consolation. And you are a very talented writer! Keep it coming! 🙂
Thank you so much!
And yes..I suppose I will get used to them. Sigh.
If my MIL leaves me anything in her will, I am NOT attending the reading. No way, no how.
Also, kudos on losing the pounds, but I honestly believe that life is too short not to eat pizza.
Oh, I still eat pizza…and bread..just very rarely. If I give it up completely, I will fail.
There was an extra period. Not sure what else the judges found; rotting hamburg up their respective arises?!
I liked it. A word limit makes it hard to convey characters lack of fucking judgement. I did like it, but Mary? Uh uh. Scary.
Good job, baby!!!
Thank you!!!
Great little ghoulie story.
And I feel for you on the diet, honey. That just sucks…but you have 10 pounds down to show for it…so yay!
THANK YOU!!!
Wow. I’m left speechless by the story but somehow I’m still managing to talk. That was brilliant and I hope you’ll share more.
And coconut flour was part of the solution to your no-bread problem. Is there anything that nut or fruit or vegetable or whatever the hell the coconut is can’t do? Aside from writing amazing stories, but maybe the essence of coconut helped. And they can’t make your muffins less slimy, but the slime is like whatever minor technical flaws the judges think were in your story: as long as it tastes good it is good.
THANK YOU! I was so nervous about posting this. Way more nervous than I am about posting highly personal shit.
What a GREAT read !!!
You left me wanting more ! Like the fucking bread I can’t have .
Gluten free tastes like your rubber shoe in hell !!!!!
THANK YOU!
I was soooo insecure about posting that story..
And yes..it DOES taste like rubber shoes in hell.
Eerie and creepy! Well done! (The only glitchy part for me was how she managed crutches and a tray. Carrying a wallet, car keys, cell, and a take-out coffee at the same time is a challenge for me.)
Congrats on the pounds lost! I’ve done the low-carb thing and yup it sucks but it definitely works.
Well…what I FAILED to mention..is that she had a third arm. Hahahaha.
yes..it does work, but this shit isn’t easy.
I’m not quite sure what the hell drugs those judges were taking, but that ghost story was GREAT! I LOVED it! I felt as if I was actually there with Sooner and could even smell the dumpster as she got out of her car (of course, my cat using the litter box helped with that effect—haha!). Thank you so much for sharing that story and it’s perfect as we head tomorrow into the month of October and all things magical, bewitching and ghoulish!
Because of my autoimmune condition, I’m supposed to be trying the Paleo Diet, but I don’t think I can quit eating bread (a banned food item)! I am what you would call an “Anti-Slime” person, I can’t eat anything with a slimy, gelatinous texture–even bananas will make me gag with that slimy center part to them! You should have heard me trying to eat my husband’s homemade banana pancakes! Me: “Munch, munch—urp!!! Munch….bleh! Munch…ACK!!!” Hubby: “Sounds like you’re really enjoying them.” HAHAHAHAHA!!! (Yeah, I spit it out and threw the rest away.) 🙂
I am not a fan of slime, either. I feel the same way about bananas. But I am learning to love the slime. Or learning to lie to myself about it. haha.
Loved it, and it absolutely stuck to their rules. The judges need a dismissive flick of the wrist and a “whatever, guys”… 🙂
We started the (shudder) South Beach diet 5 days ago because our doc says Shane has to get his cholesterol down. As much as I miss carbs, I miss my old jeans more, and the menu so far has been surprisingly yummy and…satisfying. Lots of ingredients I never use. But there is cheese, which makes its bearable. And I’m down 1.2 lbs so yay. Here’s to another 9 days of trying.
YOU GO!!! That is awesome.
But it sucks changing. It sucks so hard.
I’m glad you liked the story. I was kind of shy about sharing it.
I want a Chapter 2! And 3! And the whole rest of the story!!! Can you even imagine how awesome the other stories were if this gem didn’t make it?!?!? I would not give up bread for any reason. Really. All other substitutions just make me want bread more than ever. I was on a low carb diet once. Didn’t make it a week – so congratulations on your 10 pounds!
Thank you so much!!
And yes..no bread is difficult.
Well, i read it and I enjoyed a whole lot. And what the hell did she it?!
meaning ‘eat’ not ‘it’ unless it was IT that she ate and then it would make total sense
Hahaha…I knew what you meant. And I have NO idea what she ate. I will leave that to your imagination.
Oy, no carb-diets. Is there not already enough suffering in the world?
I loved the story. What did she eat, indeed. Reminded me of a comment I recently made on Ross Murray’s blog … “Goulash. Now with more ghoul! Tastes just like you’re mother’s goulash. (Because it’s your mother.)”
Now I’m thinking this comment can work on pretty much any cooking blog.
Anyhoo… fuck those judges and write on!
I love short, spooky snippets like this. It’s like something out of Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark, only better because it’s full of f-bombs.
F-bombs are the shit.
We used to wholesale flax, coconut and rice flours from a company called Arrowhead Mills at a warehouse I used to manage. I always wondered what they tasted like. Fun fact: when the place got infested by rats, those products (along with the pancake mixes and stuff) were the first thing the rats got. Didn’t mean to dampen your enthusiasm for them or anything, it wasn’t the flour’s fault…
I was wondering if “slime muffin” was your latest attempt at generating interesting search terms, like “goat porn” was before.
Interesting story, and well written. Thanks for sharing it. Having worked in restaurants for years, I can say this: If something smells bad, something IS bad.
Hahaha…yeah, I think the brand I have is Arrowhead. So I have rat slime muffins.
I’m getting so confused over this dieting thing — no meat, no carbs, no dairy, no sugar. Help. I guess the low-carb is the best but sounds really hard and slime muffins aren’t exactly making me drool with anticipation! Still, you’ve lost weight so you’re doing something right…good luck.
Thank you..I need the luck. Yeah, slime muffins aren’t great.
I haven’t really given up on carbs. I eat fruit still..just no bread, sugar, potatoes, pasta or rice. You know…all the good stuff.
Great job on the weight loss !!!! I’m just starting to try low carbs – bread and pizza are going to be my downfall BUT I am going to give cauliflower pizza bases a bash – I’ve heard lots of good things about them. I have made caulimash the last couple of nights – if you like mash potato -it’s great – I added mozzarella cheese one night and philly cream cheese the next.
LOVED your story – kept me reading to the end and that was great BUT I WANT TO KNOW MORE !!!!!
Have a great night !
Hahahaha….I don’t know what happens next.
Great fucking story! Prefect timing since Halloween is coming up! It fits with the muffin story – funky food!
I here ya on the slime muffins. There is a organic/hipster/vegetarian/vegan place around the corner from my apt. I have tried some of their low carb/glueten free muffins. They taste kinda weird. Thankfully I don’t crave bread to often.
I LOOOOOOOOVE bread. I love it. I had some toast yesterday and it made me sick. So, bread is turning on me. Which is okay..makes this easier.
Not a sour note here, Michelle. You do fiction as well as you do your hilarious essays. It would be interesting to read the other stories to see what the judges were thinking.
Thank you so much! I really did have fun writing it.
This is great! I agree with BarbaraM, how amazingly good the other stories must be it this came 15th? Read to the end, slightly creeped out, not too freaked to go to work (it’s morning here), glad I don’t have to drive long distances and go to places that might be like this.
Also trying – no, actually managing to lose weight. Reduced carbs works, that means no white refined ones, also not having any after 6pm. Sourdough or rye bread may be ok in small doses, woth a try to stop the feeling of deprivation which is the downfall of all healthy eating plans. Good luck!
Thank you! I’m following about the same routine and am down 11 pounds in about 6 weeks. So, slowish, but steady..
No idea why the judges didn’t like it. I thought it was awesome! Kept me wondering until the end. Still wondering if Sooner is dead, or just being haunted. And the three texts touch, so realistic. My sister is like that.
Loved it.
Thank you!!
Love the story! On the edge of my chair. Would live to know the ending!
Haha…that’s all the ending I have.
Let’s see…she decides the ghost food sucked and then went to McDonald’s..ended up getting millions in the will and she and her sister bought a private island and were both eaten by sharks the first day there.
aaaaaah spooky! How perfect for the start of Halloween’s month.
Thank you!