I was late to the party on social media.
I missed MySpace altogether. I was aware of it, but I didn’t understand the point at all. I still don’t get Instagram, Tumblr, or StumbledUpon. I think I have accounts. Randy sets shit up for me, tells me about it, and I change the subject because I can not handle any more social media anything. I don’t know what they are all about. Other than food pictures go in one of them. I’m not much better with my Pinterest page. My Pinterest page is basically the same banana nut bread recipe 35 different times and pictures of Norman Reedus.
I could list the downsides of social media, but I’m not going to say anything new, so what is the point?
All in all, it’s worth it.
I just have the teensiest of complaints.
Tiny, really. Infinitesimal.
It would be nice, if we could shift all of social media to the left a bit and align it with the socially anxious.
Seriously, there are so many of us. I’m not saying we’re the majority of social media users, but we’re probably the majority of social media users. So if we could, let’s make the following changes. Then, we’ll find our place in the electronic word just a tad more comfy.
Stammer. Stammer will be exactly like Twitter only each tweet would be preceded with the following text: Should I say that? Am I using that word right? I bet twelve thousand people have already made the same observation. Did I leave a word out? This isn’t funny. Is it? Is this funny?
Obsessbook. The number of likes on any status update on Obsessbook post is automatically and randomly generated. So when you write a really
funny status update and no one likes it, it won’t matter because all status updates are automatically assigned a number of likes. No longer will you wonder why your hilarious status update about howler monkeys and semi-gloss paint got 5 likes while your neighbor’s snicker doodle recipe status got 14,482 likes. If likes were automatically assigned, you wouldn’t obsess and wonder if your funny status isn’t really funny. Or, torture yourself for 48 hours on whether it’s more pathetic to leave it up or to delete it.
Stumbles Upon This site would just be pictures of us falling down, tucking our skirts into our underwear, or spilling stuff on our boobs.
Pinsecure Pinsecure would be much like Pinterest, but there would be defined categories to pin in. These categories would be: “I don’t know, is it weird that I find this guy hot?”, “This recipe is okay. You might like it, I didn’t have capers so it might be better when you make it. It was kind of bland” , “This didn’t work out so I just put glitter on it.” and “Booze recipes for rainy day afternoons with the kids”.
Snapchat I don’t know what Snapchat becomes. I don’t know shit about Snapchat. In my head, Snapchat is the modern version of the tape recorder that burned up in the opening credits of Mission Impossible. The TV show, not the Cruise movies. Also, I am pretty sure devil faces are involved.
Tumblr becomes Blunderer. Blunderer is where you write posts about stupid shit you did or said. Blunderer is the place where you tell the amusing story about the time you instant messaged your coworker complaining about your boss, only you sent it to your boss. On Blunderer, you tell the story about how you never ever ever ever wear a thong. Then, the one day you do, the left side of your jeans split vertically over the length of your impressively sized ass cheek.
Tinder becomes Hinder. Hinder is the online site where your mother sets up dates for you because you aren’t getting any younger, you know. And she would like to have grandchildren one day. Also, until you get your nose out of those books, you won’t be meeting anyone.
Procrastigram Procrastigram is like Instagram. Only you don’t post fabulous food pictures. You post pictures of the food you made instead of the fabulous meal you planned to make, but didn’t because work wore you out and who has time to chop that much garlic? These pictures would be Lucky Charms and a glass of Tang instead of the eggs Benedict and mimosas you planned for brunch. Or Toast with jelly and Vienna sausages instead of the Osso Bucco and crunchy baguette you told your coworkers you were making.
I suppose we shouldn’t stop with just social media, we need some new apps as well.
I think a popular app with the socially anxious crowd would handle cancelling plans. The app would be called “Sorry, I can’t make it tonight”. That’s all the app would do. The app will check your calendar. Call whoever you are supposed to meet and say “Sorry, I can’t make it, tonight”.
Another good app would aid the socially anxious with the small talk nightmare. Whenever a person is approached by one of the other humans who is obviously about to subject them to small talk, then the app can be activated and it will feed you encouraging tips and phrases to use. For instance, it will remind you to not roll your eyes so hard that you give your mother a headache. The app softly suggests that perhaps a scowl isn’t the best expression. It will prompt you, when appropriate, to say things like “Really? what an asshole.” or “Now, was that two cups of marshmallow fluff or just one?”
Okay, so I had the ideas. One of you are going to have to implement them. I trust you, go ahead and run with it and then let me know when I’ll be getting a check.
“Pinsecure” and “Procrastigram” come from Christopher. If you read my comments, then you know who Christopher is.
I just signed up for Twitter 3 days ago and my profile picture is sideways…..I shit you not. This is how I roll bitches. I don’t stumble or Insta the Gram or Vine or anything else….I tried to pin and I’m pretty sure I got a herniated disk for the effort. I’m so in over my head. What I excel at however is obsessively checking my WordPress stats which apparently is more common than a cold.
HAHAHHAHA…yeah, I have callouses from checking my stats.
I hope you grow to love twitter. I love it. I think it helps with learning to do away with unnecessary words.
I agree. Twitter has taught me to conserve my words and use adjectives wisely 🙂
I LOVE Twitter!
🙂
I do too. I like it more than FB..in some ways..
Leave it that way. The same thing happened to my friend on a dating site, and she gets lots of comments about her picture and how great and original it is! Go with it!
HAHAHAHA!!!!
I woke a few sleepers… bummer for them, this was hilarious and there was nothing I could do.
Coffee everywhere in a spatter pattern on my screen, husband sleep mumbling, ‘WTF is wrong, now?’ dog looking at me like I’m crazy…
You just made my day.
YAY!!!! I won the day before 9:00am!!!
Yes. Exactly. I want all these apps, but then I’d never use them because I barely remember to use the ones I have. I get emails from tumblr saying they miss me. Really?! How’s that again? All I’ve ever done is scroll through stuff, wondering where people find all this stuff and how they have the time to find it in the first place, then click the little heart or whatever if something is funny or rings extra true. What’s to miss about that?
I cannot keep it all straight. I stick with FB and Twitter and that’s about it. Except Pinterest, but I don’t do that right.
I use Dumbbook. Whenever i feel like it, i send a dumb message to my friends. Always get their likes.
HAHAH…dumbbook. I love it!
But is Dumbbook real?
Now I’m cuntfused.
Seriously…
For me it is
Oh, good.
Me, too, now, ‘K?
I love these Michelle – I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with social media and refuse to take any more on – no twitting, IGing and no vlogging – it all just weirds me out. Some of your suggested sites sound interesting though….
Hahaha…yeah, I am willfully ignoring them. And screw Ello. Is that still even a thing?
These were really funny. Especially Stammer. And Obsessbook.
I’m only on twitter, facebook, and Google+. Twitter is the worst of the lot because no matter how innocuous a statement is, there are always 5 people offended by it for entirely different reasons.
When your ideas get developed, I’ll drop my current social media and join yours instead.
It’s going to be GREAT!!!
Ha!! I love this post so hard.
I am on Twitter and I don’t “get” it. I am probably a very selfish Twitterer. I post my shit and run CAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. If my “friend” on there retweeted something from someone who is not my friend, and I really do like it and decide to retweet the retweet, does the original person get “credit” for that? Does my friend? Will they both think I am being a stalker weirdo? Are they my friends or are they followers? Someone from the Wood Builders Association following me because I used the word “wood” in a Tweet…that’s gross, right? Hell if I know.
Facebook and I get along just fine. Stumbleupon, I sort of use it, but don’t get it.
I don’t Pinterest. I don’t Instagram. I don’t Snapchat (but I swear your description is how I think of it). I think I will go sign up for Hinder for my 21-year old son.
And CW is a fabulous source for all things 🙂
Hahha..I love twitter, but I will admit, it took me about a year to warm up to it. I was the same with FB. I was like a caveman seeing fire for the first time.
I wonder if, someday, you’ll really understand how brilliant your take is on so so so so many things.
Love Procrastigram, for all those asparagus and red potato salads of mine that turned into chips.
Oh wow..thank you so much! The possibility that I don’t suck still mostly bounces off me (which drives Randy mad) But my brain works the way it works. I’ve been trying to retrain it. It’s stubborn.
I too feel socially challenged with all the channels online. Very entertaining post and how I often feel.
Yeah, I’m usually confused with faced with all the options. No doubt about that.
I want the app. Like immediately. Also, could we have one that does the talking for us?
OMG that would be perfect. And with Kathleen Turner’s voice or Lauren Bacall’s voice.
I like the image of the tape recorder that burns up in the opening of Mission Impossible for Snapchat.
Maybe call it SnapShut.
Because it’s over. Finito.
Self-destructing in 5 seconds.
Good luck, Jim.
Hahahhaha Snapshut. I love it.
Okay, so I love this. I am particularly interested in “Pinsecure” — a result, I am certain, of my many, many, many “Pinterest” fails. Please get some app creator cracking on these like yesterday!
Yeah, I have a shit load of Pinterest fails.
Being able to contribute a small part to this just absolutely made my day. I have no idea what it would be called but there should be a Sally Field app for those of us who respond to every bit of positive feedback by bouncing off the walls screaming “YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME!”
How do we get the actual …what’s that thing…beta test… prototype…
Fuck it.
Can I just give somebody money to yell, “I LIKE YOU! I REALLY REALLY LIKE YOU!”
?
And Congratulations, Christopher! I can see your sparkly good feelings from here!
I would buy the shit out of that
So, I’m actually one of the crazies who has all the social media outlets and actively participates in all of them (I have two Instagram profiles: public and private. That crazy). Which is stupid because now it gives me anxiety whenever I don’t post anything new. So, now I have a queue for stuff to post whenever I have nothing to post.
I also have a differentiation on which picture is more appropriate for which outlet. And I was doing fine until Snapchat came out. And now I need to weave Snapchat into my elaborate posting schematics.
Somebody stop me. #sendhelp
oh man…this wore me out just reading…WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF?!?!?! hahaha
I do not participate in social media – never wanted to. It would just be one of those lame relationships where SM is whining, “Why don’t you call me? We never do stuff together anymore.” Guaranteed I would resent its persistent, nagging presence and my own pathetic inability to make a clean break. That said, if Procrastigram existed we’d join hands and run off into the sunset.
Hahaha…it is a time suck. That’s why I had to stop with just the ones I am active in and I need to cut that time down.
I totally need Procrastigram! I’m sure there are lots of people also pondering my dinner dilemma: Is it gauche to drink red wine with my Cheerios at dinner? I don’t really care, but I’m sure there are others desperately seeking the answer!
Love your posts!
Hahha…I say drink the wine with the cheerios. But this is coming from someone with the palate of a 5 year old. I also love cherry koolaid.
Okay, you’re making me feel less bad about peanut butter sandwiches with hot cocoa for dinner. 😀
I see nothing to feel bad about with that dinner. It sounds perfect.
Now I want toast and cocoa for dinner.
Hey Terri Lee 🙂
Howdy hey, Lisa K.! 😀 My step-grandfather used to have peanut butter on toast with hot cocoa as a snack every single night before he went to bed and he lived to be 100. I’m thinking it had to be the peanut butter toast and cocoa! Haha!
OMG, Procrastigram is the one for me!! My intentions are always good, if that makes any difference. It’s my reality I have a problem with. 😀
And don’t look at me to help develop these apps you’re discussing. I still get nervous downloading apps to my phone or iPad. I’m such a worrywart; I’m always waiting for the one I install that’s going to fuck up everything else on my device! HA!!
Well…that shit can happen. I feel that way every time Randy updates my blog…fucking hell..it’s going to explode.
Just found your blog recently after reading about what to wear after 50. So true and thank God because I have no sense of fashion, never did and never will. My daughters can attest to that.
This one is good too… and appreciated. I do web design and development for small business and when I get to the ‘talk’ about social media, I get that deer in the headlights look and then its always, “Ya, I need that… whatever that is.” But what I really hear is “Hell no! I don’t have time for that. Let’s move on.” Now you’ve given me a little ice breaker. Thanks.
Thank you! I am so glad you are here! YAY!
I like the small chat app. It would be good if it also gave you the person’s name and how you know him/her. I swear I have had my foot inserted into my mouth more times than I want to recall on innocent small chat. No one told me her husband died, his wife left him, their child is bipolar when all I ask is how is so an so doing! See the really applicable uses of the small chat app?
Yeah, this is brilliant. I need all those things, too.
I gave up on all of it except fb and blogger cause it was eating all my time. However, I could totally go with your version of the apps.
Also, when I first read your post I thought you just wanted the social media sites to move all the type to the left (I assumed so there would be more room on the right for us wallflowers and people who hate small talk). I call small talk cpi (cocktail party information) and I SUCK at it. So, ya, that app for small talk – I think that is for me.
So now I am wondering – do you have an idea for an app that self corrects ones blog from saying personal stuff that will offend some member of the family or another? I need that one.
Just Sayin!
We DO need that one. And I suck at small talk. I LOVE to talk to people..but I want it to be entertaining or informative. I don’t give a fuck what you made for dinner last night. haha.
I laughed – out loud – while waiting in my doctor’s waiting room. Luckily it’s not a psychiatrist’ office. Stumbles upon? Blunderer? Classic!
Hahha..thank you!!!
These are all hysterical. I’m seriously addicted to Facebook. Even if I’m reading a book I’m consciously wondering when the chapter ends so I can check my messages. I said it was serious.
you need an intervention. haha
I used StumbleUpon for a while a long time ago, and remember joking that they should change the name to Pratfall. Doesn’t seem so funny since my stroke, though…
Facebook really wants me to join, They send me emails every day. My favorite is the one that says “A lot has happened on Facebook since you last logged on.” To which I always think, yeah, I believe you, since EVERYTHING that has ever happened on Facebook has happened since I last logged on as I have NEVER logged on.
Hahah…yeah, pratfall probably lost it’s humor for you. I get emails like that from ello…which I did sign up for but I didn’t get how it worked and I never went back because fuck that.
Well, I put myself into the technotrog category… I don’t tweet or gram or tumble or pin… just stomp about in my cave with my computersaurusrex
HAhaahahah! Computersaururex is the best thing ever!
Oh my god this is brilliant. I NEED that plan-cancelling app!
We all need that app. And thank you! 🙂
Loved this!! Came on a day I especially needed a laugh.
Yay! I am so glad!
I loved Myspace, it was the best site for bands ever but then they ruined it and nothing has ever managed to take its place. The new Myspace should be called Waste of space, as it sucks and there is almost as much tumbleweed over there as there is in G+. I’ve no idea what Snapchat is either, except I keep seeing tweets that say people over 25 have no business using it, so I think I might have to, just to annoy some teens.
🙂
I definitely need Stammer. Facebook I’m comfortable with, as long as I ignore most of the Newsfeed, Twitter feels like the school playground and I used to hide inside to avoid that nightmare.
I have so rarely had an issue on Twitter..or if I did, I was oblivious to it. haha.
I’ve actually played with snapchat with Joey before. I mean, I don’t know what you do with the videos, we just distort our faces on his phone and laugh about it.
Yeah for me its a perception thing, I feel like I’m posting in my own little bubble on Facebook, to my own crew, a bit like it was on Myspace, Twitter feels dark, infinite and more judgemental but that is definitely just my perception rather than reality.
OMG these are all great! I can hardly keep up with all the different social media platforms. Ain’t nobody got time for dat!
Right? I turn into a grumpy old woman about it.
I wish I hadn’t missed this one a few days ago. This is genius.
I am currently trying to understand and develop my Pinterest account. I’m following daily instructions and it’s an epic fail. We’re supposed to go through our feed and “like” ten things every day! I don’t LIKE that crap! My Pinterest boards are all “dead rock stars” and “lady pirates” and my favorite is “your baby is ugly.”
I may have to steal “I think this guy is hot, is that weird” from you. No one looks at my Pinterest but if they do, I’ll totally give you credit.
Please do take it!! It is yours!
I don’t use much of social media, unless I’m reading about current events.. It’s better that way…
I’ve fallen behind in reading your posts, but I’m catching up, and I loved this one. I’m so happy to learn I’m not the only one out there who feels social media challenged. I actually keep wondering why someone doesn’t give Twitter lessons, because I really don’t get it. Maybe some part of my brain is missing? Oh, and put me on the list for that small talk app. Because poor social media skills and poor social skills are directly proportional, right?
I LOVE twitter, but I had to sign up for Hootsuite, and that kept everything in a readable order that I could follow. It took a while. Like a year before I warmed up to it..