Green stuff is poking up around my driveway. I think they are daffodils, but I planted them too close to the edge of the driveway and they get trampled on before they can bloom. But still…Yay Spring!
We’ve reached that time of year where we are supposed to do something called ‘spring cleaning’. I’m under the impression that means we’re supposed to clean springs, which seems an enormous waste of time. I mean, we can barely be bothered to change our sheets at reasonable intervals, much less clean the bed springs. Besides, we have one of those memory foam beds. There aren’t even any springs to clean.
Pro tip: If you want to get your spouse to change the sheets, then marry a person with super sensitive skin and eat toast in bed.
Turns out, ‘spring cleaning’ means we’re supposed to clean our whole house. Yes, the whole house.
Judgey types frown upon cutting corners. Cutting corners causes horrible things to happen and proves that you are lazy and you want to watch the world burn. Then this new concept popped up! Life hacks! Life hacks are the things smart people do to save time and energy but are in no way the same thing as cutting corners.
Spring Cleaning Life Hacks:
- Before cleaning your refrigerator, do the ‘zombie sniff test’. I am not suggesting you find a zombie and have the zombie smell your skanky fridge, that is just not safe. The zombie would end up biting you and then drink milk out of the carton. What I suggest is that you sniff your fridge. Unless the fridge smells like a zombie storage unit, then you can put off cleaning a little longer.
- Leave cleaning supplies scattered throughout your home. When people stop by, you looks like they’ve interrupted you in the middle of cleaning. There is a downside to this, though. If you are constantly looking at unused cleaning supplies, they start getting smug. Then accusatory. Before long you will find yourself screaming at your dust buster to stop judging you.
- Recently, I read a brilliant cleaning life hack. You attach little scrubbers to an old pair of shoes and scrub the floor while you walk. Perfect. If I attached little scrubbers to my old shoes, and then attempted to walk on soapy soles, I would slip and fall within seconds. Then, because I’d be injured, someone else would have to do all the cleaning . By someone else, I mean Randy.
- Use your mini blinds like a mood ring. Remember mood rings? Apparently, my mood always made them turn green. But we aren’t talking about that, we’re talking about your disgusting mini blinds. Go look at the mini-blinds and then gauge your mood. Are they so dirty that your mood takes a downward swing? Does looking at your mini blinds make you feel hopeless and like everything you touch turns to shit? Do you feel like drinking bourbon and then drunk dialing old therapists after looking at your blinds? Do what I did. Take them down. Throw them away. Never ever buy new ones.
- There’s the putting a lazy Susan in your refrigerator hack. Which seems genius because when shit spills, the lazy Susan will be easier to remove than the fridge shelves. Also, why do we call them lazy Susans? That hardly seems fair to Susan. Why couldn’t it be a ‘saves some time, Susan’ or a ‘thing the kids will spin around until stuff falls off Susan’?
- Some tasks can be completely avoided by changing certain aspects about your self. For instance, it’s much easier to claim to be a person who ‘never wears jewelry’ than getting all the knots out of the necklaces.
Do you often feel uptight? Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of those women who not only claims to not care what anyone else thinks of them but actually one who doesn’t care what anyone thinks of them? Just do that! Stop caring what other people think about you. Are you basically a slob? Okay then! Live your life. Who cares what anyone thinks?
I have not achieved that level of freedom, however, I do adopt that attitude when it comes to my baseboards. I do not care how dusty they are.
My best life hack for Spring cleaning will save you hours and hours. Do what I do. I can clean an entire room by closing a door.
This post is nothing more than a desperate effort to continue putting off all but the most basic of cleaning. I have been doing that for months now, y’all. I’m not even sure if my refrigerator would pass the zombie sniff test.
Guess it’s time to put on those rubber shoe scrubber slippers. Hope Randy has a weekend open.
Spring cleaning is ridiculous…I mean deep clean the whole house??! Truth be told I love organizing more than cleaning and though I can’t escape either, doesn’t mean I’m always happy to do it. And those blinds?…yep excellent advice! Haha!
I really did throw all of them away. I hate them.
Now these are tips that are in no way cutting corners, that are flying their freak flag as life hacks that I can get behind. Down with the mini blinds! Ellen
Right? mini blinds are evil.
Love it, have you been spying on me? It did get to the stage where I had to take a sabbatical from writing to do the housework but it still didn’t get totally done, like I mean I think I threw a couple of broken thingys out and that’s it really!
I paid my sister to clean my garage..I even helped for like 30 minutes. (Help = got in her way).
I can either have an immaculately clean house, or be a likeable, sane person. I’m pretty sure spring cleaning was a Victorian invention, as it is now 2015 I don’t feel obliged to subscribe to it, in the same way that I don’t feel obliged to wear a corset or keep my ankles covered (though people might thank me if I did, I probably do need to spring clean my legs, the winter fetlocks could do with a trim – TMI?).
Nah, I will just hang on to the delusion that I am such an efficient housekeeper that I don’t need to spring clean. It’s immaculate already – if you don’t look too close. For those who visit and do look too close, get a life already! As long as the kitchen’s clean and there’s nothing lurking in the toilet there isn’t a problem.
(loving the book BTW – parts almost made me pee in public)
Ohh..I am so glad you love the book!
And no..not TMI..I need to de-yeti myself..tis the season.
I keep trying to psych myself up for spring cleaning this year. I intend to do it with garbage bags. Liberally. The problem is I get so damn attached to things. Unnecessarily.
You and Randy. He’s a packrat. We used a shit ton of garbage bags cleaning out the garage.
I’ll be putting my house up for sale soon, which means I’ll have to clean it anyway. I’m not sure if this is brilliant timing on my part or proof that I exist solely to make myself miserable. Anyway, my house will finally be as clean as the day I moved in…on the day I move out.
haha..yep. I am sure that will be the case with ours as well.
Almost my entire house is packed up for a renovation of the kitchen FR and I am hoping that when it’s done, a full spring cleaning will follow. Oh, not by me, of course. You think I’m crazzy? LOL
Hahah..I wish. I need a raise so I can get a housekeeper
Sadly, the only time I do a real cleaning (never mind spring cleaning) is when I have company coming. I’m strategic that way. PS. Love the eat toast in bed tip!
The toast trick works EVERY TIME!
Hahahaha! These are perfect! I’m pretty sure the zombie sniff test will prove its worth when your fridge finally succeeds in conjuring a zombie 🙂
I moved the egg rolls and saved us all.
Last weekend I think I discovered the ultimate cleaning hack: focus on cleaning stuff out of the attic that’s been up there for twenty years. If it’s been untouched for that long you don’t need it and it can just go to the garbage or charity. Then you take all the shit that looks like it needs to be cleaned and put it in the attic.
Repeat this cycle every twenty years.
And like you I always wondered about spring cleaning. As long as water is bubbling up from underground aquifers aren’t springs pretty much self-cleaning?
HAH. I did waffle between bubbling springs and bed springs for a few minutes.
That’s the old riddle: you’re stuck in a room with only a calendar and a mattress. How do you survive?
You eat dates from the calendar and drink water from the mattress springs.
and in my case, you also have toast crumbs.
“Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of those women who not only claims to not care what anyone else thinks of them but actually one who doesn’t care what anyone thinks of them?” Yes, that would be lovely. I haven’t gotten there yet.
I am one of those people that mostly cleans when people are stopping by. Still, if someone drops by unexpectedly, I blame any mess on the dogs.
That’s a good idea. I think I’ll blame our messes on your dog as well.
Whew! You got me out of doing that today. I guess I’m going to take my laptop outside where I can avoid the mess for a while longer! Enjoy!
That’s the spirit, sister!!
So inspired right now – can’t wait to get home and tear down my mini-blinds! I mean spring clean! 😀
not gonna lie..I loved taking them down.
I’ve never understood the concept of spring cleaning either, seems pointless to me.
My mom used to come round and run her finger over surfaces to check for dust, so I got out the furniture polish and duster, and told her that if she had a problem with my housekeeping I’d be happy for her to do it for me. Strangely, she never checked for dust after that!
I consider dust bunnies members of the family..
I just come out and admit my laziness. My house is a total wreck right now. We have a cleaning service but I have to use the term “cleaning” very loosely here. And they’re not going to throw away all the clutter anyway.
My house isn’t a total wreck..but certain rooms are embarrassing. My bedroom for one.
I thought I was the only one avoiding cleaning my house all year… My neatnik husband recently gave up on making sure all the dishes were washed every night so since I’ve taken over (and by take over I mean I’ll wash them when I get tired of looking at Sunday’s bacon-grease-slathered drip tray in the sink on TUESDAY), I’d say the least HE can do in return is clean the whole house… AmIRIGHT!?? 😉
That is exceedingly reasonable
Oh, gawd, my blinds are killing me. They are the minis too. I wish I could rip them down and trash them! Then I would be exposed to the apartments across the way and ppl walking by. No. Just, fuck I’ll go to therapy, okay?
I replaced mine with curtains and never looked back.
Damn, I wish I could do that. We’re renting so probably a no go. Great idea though!
You could just take them down and stash them til you leave?
I like the second tip, that is very smart! A good friend of mine who has a huge home never invites people in the day time to her house because in the evening she keeps the lights low and the house looks clean and lovely at that brightness.
That is a smart woman, right there.
I bought a cutesy pair of “dusting slippers” when we finished ripping up downstairs carpeting – promptly lost one so that lil’ experiment never panned out…
But maybe you could put scrubbers on just ONE shoe so you could balance w/the other foot?? 😉
(I’ve skidded around w/one slipper but unfortunately they don’t do ENOUGH – I need full sized dust mop to catch my bunnies!)
I think putting anything like that on even one foot is a recipe for disaster.
I just throw stuff away, and no one even misses it after it’s gone. I really am kind of a Martha Stewart obsessive type personality. But I really hate having to clean. But if things aren’t clean and cleared, I can’t think. So, I throw stuff away.
Anita
I have been known to throw stuff away as well…
One of the down-sides to my eye surgery is that now I can see how dirty everything is…
Haha…oh man…but at least you’re still doing good. That’s wonderful!
…it’s only autumn in Australia…
You have months then…then when Spring gets there, you can go by my side of the world where it will be autumn…you will never have to clean again.
So when you say Randy would have to do the cleaning, is that code for no cleaning would be done at all?
Also, what is this “when people stop by” event that you mention? I hate that shit. I don’t wear pants in my house. Or clean, often. Go away.
I am not a fan of people ‘stopping by’ either. I barely tolerated phone calls. And Randy actually would clean. He’s a better housekeeper than I am.
I believe I do the sniff test for everything…fridge, pillows, kids, armpits….!!
Hahah…moms get really gross jobs, don’t they?
I hate cleaning, I like your plan much better
🙂
It’s a solid plan, sister
Spring cleaning comes from the days when people burned wood and coal for heat and didn’t have things like vacuum cleaners. I have forced air heat and a Hoover, and frankly, I’d rather spend my money on occasional professional cleaning than jewelry I have to untangle, so somebody else can do my spring cleaning. And I used to store my vacuum cleaner on my living room floor, so unexpected visitors would think they’d caught me in the middle of cleaning. Now I can’t even summon up enough shame to do that.
Ha! I love this: Now I can’t even summon up enough shame to do that.
you stole my idea about the cleaning supplies, except for me it is leaving the vacuum out (until one of us trips on it in the night).
Works like a charm.
hahah! Yay! It nearly works!
How about the one where someone in your house cleans out the coat/holiday decoration closet by removing ALL THE THINGS out of it and putting them in the spare bedroom, thereby creating an empty closet that no one notices and a destroyed spare room that no one can use. That door has been closed for about a month. I should probably go in there and put that shit back in the closet.
I’m also putting off any thing that looks like spring cleaning or balancing bank statements by randomly writing blog posts about nothing, because why not, right?
I think your avoidance plan is solid! And just keep the door closed.
Sad confession, but I grew up in a household where the only time we really deep cleaned was if we were in trouble or our grandparents were coming over. My husband grew up in the household where his mom had the entire house cleaned every day before her husband got home. Ours falls somewhere in between. My easy way to keep it not looking too bad is to just tidy up one room per day on a rotating schedule. I just look at the calendar and whatever day it says (because I map it out for the month and exclude days I teach and travel on the weekend or any day where we have something else fun planned and won’t be home) and just tackle that one little thing. But avoiding it all by shoving it in a room is another favorite. 🙂
Haha..we fall somewhere in between there, too!
Spring? Is it Spring where you are? Because I’m still looking out at a giant pile of snow here.
Oh, I know, that whole Spring thing is an April Fool’s. Right?
That sucks…I hope your snow melts soon…it’s been warm(ish) here.