Self-acceptance is hard.
I’m sure some people breeze through it and some people have self-loathing that I couldn’t begin to understand. We’re all different. Still, for me, self-acceptance is a rough road.
It has made no difference whether I am wearing a size 5 or a size 20. The look of distaste on my face when I look in the mirror never changes.
It’s taken decades, but it has finally occurred to me how very stupid that is. What makes the goddamn difference? I am exactly who I am. I can’t be anything other than who I am at this moment.
Does that mean that I shouldn’t be healthy? Of course not. This isn’t license for bathing in vats of ice cream and eating lard while be dragged around on a tarp instead of walking myself. I’m not advocating a bad diet or a sedentary life style. (Although, if that is what you want to do with your life, then rock on).
I just want to be able to look in a mirror and say “This is me” and appreciate the person looking back at me.
I won’t go as far as to say I’m making strides toward that goal, but I am taking itty bitty baby steps in the right direction.
I read an article that was in response to the Maria Kang picture on Facebook…you know, the ‘What’s your excuse’ chick. It was a wonderful article that basically said you can be healthy and happy and not have a ‘perfect’ body. The author included a picture of her post pregnancy body. She wasn’t heavy, but she did have a little post pregnancy poofiness and stretch marks….even so…she didn’t look unhealthy at all, she just didn’t look airbrushed.
The article made me feel good. It made me consider what I find important. Can I be happy being healthy and loving my big bad self without looking like I’m training for a body building contest?
I goddamn well better, because that is never going to be me. I don’t care about that. I want to be strong. I want to be able to move without aching and I want to play hard with the grandkids without twinging my back. That’s pretty much what I want from my body. The way it looks? Well, I am exactly who I am.
I felt myself take another baby step toward accepting me.
And then I read the comments.
I don’t know why I read them. I fucking know better. Women were commenting that it was sad that the author advocated being lazy and not pushing for complete health. I don’t know what article they were reading, but it wasn’t the one I read. Men were downright cruel.
Then, I read a series of comments from the same person who just had a meltdown over the author’s stretch marks. They made him want to vomit. They were disgusting. She was a pig and horrible for making him look at a few squiggly lines on her stomach.
I found myself so angry and frustrated. While I am in no way excusing any mean comment about someone’s physical appearance, the thought of someone being cruel over something that we have no fucking control over just made me want to scream. If you have a baby, then you are more than likely going to get stretch marks. It’s fucking part of the goddamn process.
I ranted to Randy about this. I very eloquently and vulgarly (yes, you can be both) stated a myriad of reasons why this was wrong and sad and damaging and hurtful.
Randy looked at me and said “Fuck that guy, he was probably typing that comment with a barbie doll shoved up his ass”.
With that, I understood how absurd it was to get upset over what a complete stranger had to say about an article that I admired.
The only opinion about my body and my stretch marks and my weight and my face and my hair that matters is mine. I get to control that opinion. I don’t have to let another single soul have any input or influence on that opinion.
Now, all I have to do is completely believe that.
I’m getting there.
I don’t want to jump off this cliff alone. Any of you want to come with me?
it’s taken me SO LONG to realise how absurd that kind of person is.
i mean, i’ve been on the internet since the usenet days, and there are still days where i have to actually, out loud, say to myself “don’t read the comments on this one. just don’t. you don’t need the blood pressure spike! don’t do it!” …. and then sometimes i still do. >.<-p
so shall we all hold hands and jump together?
–yobo
Hahahah…I do the same thing. Don’t read them…DO NOT READ THEM…and then sometimes do. It’s like I WANT to be upset or angry.
“Randy looked at me and said ”Fuck that guy, he was probably typing that comment with a barbie doll shoved up his ass”.”
Your man is a prophet! Lol
When I read comments , I play a little mental game called Guess The Age. Someone who rages about stretch marks is young and immature. Never loved a woman. Never loved anyone because of who they are. Probably meets all their “girlfriends” at local bars…probably dancing on the bar. If they’re old enough to even go in a bar. I’d put that guy between teenage and 23.
Yes, I’m sure he was a youngster…
And if you ever think poorly of yourself, look around at the people who have been with you during the ups and downs of life.
Do you like these people?
Do you think highly of them?
Are they stupid?
Well, they think highly of you, or they wouldn’t be there.
I’d you value their opinion on anything, then you must value their opinion of you.
all very very good points! That gives me more ammunition in the fight against ‘negative’ me.
Yep those kind of idiots send my blood pressure through the roof, so hard not to read that stuff. Hmm, people who’ve been with you through the ups and downs of life….that’s a tough one for me as I’ve moved around so much that I never really had that kind of support. This has been a seriously tough couple of years and I’ve been pretty much abandoned by all but a couple of real life friends. Does that mean my ‘negative’ me is right or does it just mean they were all fair weather friends who my husband bought at the bar? As I type this I already know the answer to that…but it still doesn’t stop the self doubt.
Why do we do that? when we are so wonderful!!!
I don’t know of anyone who has “breezed” through self-acceptance. I certainly didn’t and what I know now is that it’s a fucking life-long process, but like most good things, once you’re in the groove, you ACCEPT (hahaha) that it’s a process. 🙂 Also? It’s not an all-or-nothing thing.
And finally, I so get it re the comments on articles like that. It’s all a bunch of manipulation…I hate to sound all “conspiracy theorist” but sometimes I think “they” manufacture all this controversy to keep us all at odds with each other. Haters gonna hate…but lovers gonna love and love wins. So there! 😉
I think a LOT of things are manufactured for that very reason. I dislike it when I allow myself to get sucked in to it. And good point…it’s NOT an all or nothing thing. That is a very good point and something I need to consider. I truly appreciate your insight…it’s quite helpful. 🙂
Yeah…men can be really cunty sometimes in comments sections especially. I prefer to be cinnamon flavored because it confuses so many people. In all seriousness though, I’m a fan of my wife’s stretch marks because I like my kid. This idea of perfection is way out of control…we expect men to be superheroes, women to be models and that all dogs go to heaven. The fucked up part is that it’s not even that we’ve been convinced that these things are true but we’ve been convinced that other people think that they are and we don’t want to deviate from that…it’s like the episode of archer (yes…I am using archer to back up a point that psychological studies have made) when one of the characters allows all the men in the building to say they had sex with her. They all know that they didn’t but they think other people believe it so they’re going to be damned if they don’t play along.
I admire your use of Archer and personally, am looking forward to it’s return next month. 🙂
Good point. I don’t think we DO believe that these things are ideal..or most of us don’t, at least. Yet we go along with it. Fucking sheeple.
I suppose there’s a lesson to be learned.
The yardstick: would you say the same thing to your mother? Or, if a stranger said those same words to your mother, wife, daughter, what would you do?
Rhetorical question no doubt because we know the answer.
Sweetness….there are always lessons to be learned..
That Barbie-up-the-ass comment is brilliant! But I, too, seem to be unable to resist reading some dumbass’s comments…
& I struggle against my own expression of distaste when I look in the mirror every day.
I wish we could stop with that, you know? I really wish we could..
Okay, so first things first: Randy is a CHAMP!! I love your husband and wish I had one just like that for my own.
Two: I beat myself up a lot for something unrelated to this post – not being a bajillionaire at my age… I really just thought I’d be far more secure by this point in my life. So I read motivational and self-acceptance literature too. One of the best thoughts that has helped me ever was I believe Louise Hay…
Every decision you’ve made throughout your life was the RIGHT decision so you can’t berate yourself for them after the fact. How can I justify this? By remember what Louise said:
[misquote but this is the general nature of the quote]
You made the best decision you could at the time WITH THE INFORMATION YOU HAD AT YOUR DISPOSAL at that time.
If you’d known then what you know now, sure, your decision might have been different… but you didn’t. You did the BEST you could given the information you had in the moment.
Regrets are for chumps who beat themselves up for not being psychic back then.
Every day is another step, another day of learning, another day of making better decisions. Just keep doing that, with NO regrets.
love you
Jackie
ps. and yah, sometimes reading the comments on those things makes me bonkers too.. hell, sometimes I GET comments like that… and it was John Carlton (well known ‘net marketer guy) that has single handedly prevented me from every getting into it with another one ever again by putting THIS advice on his blog:
Never wrestle with a pig. You’ll both get dirty, and the pig LIKES it.
I love this quote so much and it’s so true, that I put it on my vision wall, and when I start to consider getting into it with some ‘net troll asshole, I read that, and it stops me.
Sister, that is the best fucking quote EVER. I LOVE IT.
I will have to remember that.
It’s just bizarre to me, because LOOK AT YOU..you are just incredible..I never would have thought that you beat yourself up. We humans are a fragile and fascinating and wonderful bunch of people…
Well…most of us, at least.
Thanks, Jackie. XXOO
Which quote are you referring to? Louise’s? or John’s?
Yah, we all have something we’re not 100% pleased with. We ALL do it. You’re certainly not alone in this at all. I’ve got physical fitness figured out but I struggle with career… getting on the internet and making it a success is a major reinvention for me and when things don’t happen like I wanted I get pretty stressed and down on myself for not ‘knowing’ more… but of course I know what I know and learn what I can… each day is another day for learning and growing.
xoxo
Jackie
I like them both, but I was talking about the Louise Hay quote…
I think it is a constant struggle in this world of the “Hey we got what you need to fix that” and the “You could look like this in just 2 weeks”…There is this pressure, not to just look like, but to put in this effort to try all these oddball, weird, painful, not-always-particularly-good-for-you fads to improve what you’ve got. Yeah, the dentist can fix that cavity and he can give you porcelain veneers so you’ll never have a coffee stain again. You can get excited over that five pounds you’ve lost walking every morning, until you find out there’s some fancy wrap that in 48 hours take five inches off.
Let’s get real. Your body is yours and yours alone. You makes the decisions for it, and you CHOOSE whether or not you like it. Regardless, you are stuck with it. So, while there’s nothing wrong with some self-improvement, you got to do it because you love the body you have, not because you want to love it as something else.
This is exactly right. I need to print your comment out and hang it on my mirror.
I love this! And no, while I wish I did have that body even after ONE child, it ain’t gonna happen. I work. Full time. At home AND at work. She reminded me of Gywneth Paltrow – yeah, she works hard for her figure. And has a trainer, and a chef, and a nanny.
These bitches are out of touch with reality, or simply are bored stay at home Moms.
And for men to even comment on stretch marks – may they live a miserable life. With their Mother. Because that’s the ONLY woman that will accept them & their thoughts/comments!
I really enjoyed your message. Maybe we’ll all look at ourselves one day – now – and say, ya know…I ain’t that fucking bad! As a matter of fact – fuck you too!!
And float off into the sunset in a bikini, shooting birds at the world.
HAAHAH…I love that. And I wish I could float…wouldn’t that be awesome?
Kudos to you for working on body acceptance. I think it’s important to realize you control how you view your body. No matter what your size, there will be negative comments. The key to defeating the nay sayers is to believe in your unique beauty. You’re the only you we have in the world after all.
I AM the only me in this world! Thank you so much.
I am totally into jumping off the cliff with you if I can have a little parasol to hold open. You know, like Wile E. Coyote has sometimes. Is that okay?
I’ve been noticing lately… It seems like am awful lot of people are very uncomfortable with dealing with real bodies, real life, real world. It’s like they’re all walking around with Barbie dolls up their asses. It makes me sad.
It is sad. And it has GOT to be uncomfortable. 🙂
We need to give this guy a name. the ” a series of comments from the same person who just had a meltdown over the author’s stretch marks. They made him want to vomit. They were disgusting. She was a pig and horrible for making him look ” guy.
something chosen just for him, his immaturity, and his strange alien belief that it is our job to protect his tender little eyes from reality. but i can’t come up with anything besides Alien Teenager, from the planet of Nodon’tmakemelook!
how about Darren McFucklestick from suckmydickville?
You’ll always have my support, my friend.
Always.
Good luck!
thank you so much..I do appreciate your support and you have mine as well..
Accepting who I am continues to be one of my goals. Some days are more successful than others. I actually like a photo someone took of me. This is not usual.
Good luck! I will be walking this road with you.
I LOVE it when I have a good picture…that just happens so rarely. I’m glad you got one! Let’s hold hands and skip down the road, shall we? Or is that too weird?
Just weird enough to be fun!
I’m torn between thinking that 1) until men have babies themselves, they just don’t get to comment on stretch marks and 2) Darren McFucklestick has a right to his opinion, no matter how unrealistic, enraging, and misogynistic it is – and I have a right to my own opinion that if there is any such thing as karma, Darren should have to live out eternity in a world populated entirely by creatures shaped like Venus of Willendorf.
I don’t know a single woman – even those who are shaped much more toward the Victoria’s Secret end of the spectrum than I am – who doesn’t struggle with self-acceptance. I *have* found that it’s helpful to go on a media diet and limit exposure to the 93845646373 messages/day that we get telling us what we’re “supposed” to look like.
I very much WANT to disagree with you…but I can’t. You’re right. Mr. McFucklestick has a right to spout off his stupid childish shit. I like your vision for his future..I do find comfort in that. 🙂
And yes, I’m tired of all those messages…they’re such bullshit
I saw that same photo with the before & after Mom and thought it was awesome– I’m so glad I didn’t read the comments. I can’t believe someone would say that. It blows my mind. Hating your body is such a bad use of energy… It’s hard for me to fully remember but I know I used to be so so painfully self-conscious (for pretty much no reason) about my body… Like, I wouldn’t even want to go out and do anything because I was embarrassed. It baffles me to think about now… Though I still have my own body image struggles. I’ll put that on the long list of things to work on… and jump off that cliff with you because hey, cliffs are always fun for jumping off of.
hopefully…there will be a trampoline waiting for us at the bottom of the cliff!
You know I saw that picture too and I thought…that’s her job. She’s good at her job and when I read the article she said she posted it because people were giving her a hard time about how choosing to have a baby was going to fuck with her body which is in fact the same as saying being a mother was going to fuck with her career. So good for her. As for the negative comments on the post with the woman who doesn’t make a career from her physical attributes…well fuck them…like guys don’t get stretchmarks? Everybody gets stretch marks- you ever take a close up look at body builders? If you did you’d see stretch marks. I could go on but that is it in a nut shell. Me? Every time someone says I look nice or I did a good job, the first thing out of my mouth is denial. I can not for the life of me gracefully accept a compliment or a pat on the back. I’m a middle-aged woman in a society that seems to only value youth and beauty and I’m running out of whatever claim I might have had to either of those. So I struggle (and some days it is a hell of a struggle) to find some value in me because cradle to the grave I’ve got to accept and live with myself.
That’s exactly right…we do have to find our value. It’s not easy. I am also rather graceless when receiving a compliment, I can say thank you, but my inclination is to deflect it.
Michelle, all I can say is “Amen, sister”! I am ready to jump off that cliff with you…close our eyes tight, hold hands and…we are flying! 🙂
Awesome post. And yes, reading comments like that is like gawking at a traffic accident…you know you shouldn’t, but damn, you’re doing it anyway! They are not worth it.
Woo hoo! And you’re right about the comments. I bet I do it again though…I’m gonna try to leave them alone..
It’s a journey, self-acceptance. Can be a long one. And it doesn’t help when some people out there lay the body shaming and hyper-criticism on. It saddens me. | Then on top of that, you have the media/magazines/ads.
I applaud you on your journey and for sharing it out loud.
Jumping off the cliff: I’d come with you. No parachute. We have wings.
take care…
I love this. We do have wings, don’t we?
Yes. We do. Fabulous wings, dah-ling! Wings that fly us even when we are afraid. Wings that regenerate. Wings that do not give up on us. Ever.
I’m right there with you sister! I don’t pig out but I don’t starve myself either. I get exercise I work around this house constantly. I’m never going to be a size 2, 4 or 6…..or 8 or 10! Hey I can live with that. I color my grays, I wear false teeth and I may pass gas (although that’s an unconfirmed rumor started by the hubby). I pretty much like myself most days and I am someone that I think I would like to have as a friend, shouldn’t that be enough? I like to have fun, I am EXTREMELY loyal and I know how to drink whiskey and I can keep a secret…what’s not to love?
It’s like we’re sisters. Although I prefer bourbon.
“… and if you’d only not criticize yourself so much and relax and let people know you, you’re really a very (talented/intelligent/well-meaning) person, you know. And besides, not everyone is staring at you all the time! …you’re not really going to wear those…’boots’ with that outfit, are you?”
lol
Hahahah..I MIGHT wear those boots with that outfit.
Sister, I am with you 100% (cause no matter what anyone says, that’s the max)! I have spent a lifetime working on this, and almost 2 years writing about it! It’s a journey, but worth the trip.
You are beautiful! And so am I (no matter how often we need to be reminded).
Thank you! And yes, I do need the reminder!
I also agree with you about the 100%. You can’t have more than everything.
I got your back, Michelle. The superficial people who put so much stock in outward appearances are that way because they’re hollow inside. Fuck them.
Thank you Scott! And yes. Fuck them. Not in the good way, either.
There is nothing more important than health–without it–we have nothing. All that other stuff is such utter BS. The Internet is packed to the gills with sad lonely people who have nothing better to do than make ugly remarks about a woman who is healthy and at peace with herself. In fact she is so much so that she reached out into the void, posted her picture and shared how she felt about herself. And reach someone she did. She touched you, right? Made you feel another step closer to your own sense of peace. Our culture has been poisoned by the objectification ad sexualization of women. It makes it a harder road to pave for us to claim that positive sense of self.
Anyway. Good for you.
PS I find it so upsetting that other women were railing on her. Why can’t we stand side by side and offer each other a hand? Seriously, where is the sisterhood?
I have been shouting that for YEARS. Can you imagine what a powerful force women would be if we supported each other instead of competed with each other?
This article is awesome! You are awesome! And that dude well, let’s just say I’d jump off that cliff with you.
Self acceptance is such a difficult thing. And you know what, stretch marks and wrinkles and all those other “imperfections” make a person beautiful, because it shows that they have lived and are living a full life.
Thank you! Okay…let’s hold hands and jump then.