So, I ruined coffee.
Not for the whole world or anything. Just for me.
I have no choice but to stop fucking about. I’ve been skating up to type II diabetes for years now. I feel like ass. My joints ache and my hips are often in agony
I’m thinking about using those last few lines on my application for old lady crone hood. I plan to be wildly successful at being an old lady.
I’ve given up sugar before.
I remember that it took about 72 hours for the hellish withdrawals to pass. Then, there were few weeks where I didn’t feel much different. I woke up one morning, a few weeks in, and realized I felt really good. My insomnia was mostly gone. My moods were mostly stable. This was in 2010. I starting blogging then. I wrote about weight loss, observations on life, and my foibles. So, this blog, but with a theme. I lost 5o pounds that year.
I have since gained that weight back. Well, not all of it. Just 40 pounds of it. Fine. 45 pounds. Maybe 47.
Now, I have to deal with it again. Not just because I don’t want to be diabetic, but because I’d like to feel good again.
Last time I gave up sugar, I used artificial sweeteners. I decided against using those this time.
Sugar free coffee with cream is not satisfying and no fun at all.
I drink coffee for function now when it used to be a delight. I have found coffee tastes better in a ceramic mug than in my travel mug. Coffee with cream and no sugar in my travel mug tastes like hot metal water.
I’ve been nearly, sort of sugar free for a few weeks now. I decided last Saturday that my birthday gift to myself would be to have goddamn sugar in my goddamn coffee.
You guys, the sweetened coffee tasted like shit.
So, I ruined coffee. I am not satisfied with coffee the way I am drinking it and when I make it the way I used to 
drink it, it is even worse. No matter what I do, I don’t like it.
Total first world problem, right?
So why is this bothering me so much? Why is this making me feel bad?
I think it’s because sugar free coffee reminds me of depression.
That flat, nothing, joylessness of depression.
I have depression, but I also know what it feels like to be happy and content. I have days when my brain feels light and clear. I am excited for my days and hours and minutes and seconds. I have days when my life feels satisfying and comforting.
Then, shit happens. Shit always happens. Or not. Sometimes, I just get depressed.
Life becomes hard and bleak and cloaked in a poisonous fog. If I could conjure a feeling during depression, it would probably be desperation, but when I’m depressed, even desperation feel pointless. I can see an otherworldly sunset and shrug. I can hear Adam Ant singing Goody Two Shoes on the radio and not butt dance. I don’t feel them. Life feels flat and empty. Life is joyless and not at all delightful.
That’s what my coffee tastes like right now. Like something I must do, but I really don’t get the point. Which is exactly how I feel about life when I am depressed.
So, what am I going to do about my coffee?
Something that I have counted on and enjoyed for nearly 4 decades?
Well, I know that every day, I like coffee with just cream a little more. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I like it like it, but I don’t hate it as much.
I am going to believe I will like sugar free coffee a little more each day and some day, maybe not too many days from now, I will actually like coffee again. It might not be the same, but different doesn’t mean bad.
You guys, I used to be totally cool with this concept. Different doesn’t mean bad. That shit gets harder when you start to age. Change really is more hard for me now. Change is scary. I don’t have the stamina I used to have and I have churned through a fuck ton of brain cells.
Feeling marginally better about my coffee experience also reminds me of depression, or rather, climbing out of depression.
There’s never a switch. I never go from depressed to not depressed. It takes time. Sometimes, the progression takes way too many days, but it always passes. Each day gets a little easier until I get to a point when I accept that I might not feel great, but I know brighter days are coming.
Every time I move beyond the fog of depression, life looks a bit different to me. But different isn’t bad.
Perhaps, it is harsh to say I ruined coffee. Coffee isn’t ruined. Probably.
I’m sticking with my “reduced sugar” lifestyle. I can’t say sugar free because there have been a few cake incidents.
I used to love sugar in my coffee and I don’t love change. Now, I hate sugar in my coffee and I have to change.
Change is going to happen. I can’t stop it. Depression will come and go. I accept this. I accept that every time it goes, I am left a slightly different person.
If I can get through depression like the motherfucking badass I am, then I guess I can get used to coffee with just cream.
And now we’re changing gears.
We spent last weekend with our mountain friends and it was, as always, the best time ever. More to come.
Randy certainly had a good time with Dude. And Mountain girl has her own stuffed dog like my stuffed dog. There might have been alcohol involved when these pictures were taken.
I’ve done the giving up sugar thing in the past. Though I have never put sugar in my coffee, so I didn’t ruin coffee for myself. I’m different that way. Good luck!
Thank you!! I need all the luck I can get.
“Different doesn’t mean bad.”
I ALWAYS say, ” I want different. Not new, different.”
Because.
Not good, not bad. Just different.
I’m sorry that you have to change the ONE THING you could COUNT ON in life 🙁
But, I’m glad you are doing it for good reasons 😉
I had to ‘change up’ my morning routine for time’s sake… OK, and productivity’s sake… and now I don’t get my coffee until I’ve been up over an hour…
“Not bad, not good, just different.”
Aaargghhh…
But. I’ve been on time for work all this week!!
😀
Boy, does it make for a long day when you’re on time…
😉
You guys are hilarious! I need to quit the whole sugar thing, but I try to never be a quitter lol! I think I would probably die without my sweet tea and tea without sweet is just unthinkable!
Worst coffee? Styrofoam cup coffee. It ALWAYS tastes like styrofoam cup. Second worst? Paper cup coffee. It tastes like watery paper cup and doesn’t even stay hot.
About 30 years ago, having given up drinking, we switched to REALLY GOOD coffee. Local roaster, whole bean, grind-it-yourself, french-press, m-fing coffee. When we lost jobs and had to drink grocery store coffee, the saving grace was the ritual of making it. Kettle, measure, grind, fill, press, pour. It makes me feel calm(er).
Now we still buy it, but have it shipped from our old roaster near the Canadian border. Lovely stuff. Different roasts, different flavors, low-acid for second coffee (usually around 2:10, because ritual).
I have definite opinions about my coffee.
Also, who ruins coffee with sugar?!!!! What kind of a hellion ARE you?!!!! no sugar, no milk. It ruins the coffee. Adding a little chocolate to the coffee at the start, though? YUM!
Also, good luck with the sugar thing. that sounds like hell.
I don’t like bitter. I like smooth. I love my coffee, I drink Douwe Egberts, I have for about 7 years now. I love it. With cream and sugar. Now I am getting to know it again and frankly, am not warming up real well.
Fuck it.
Bailey’s 😀
Michelle – try MCT coffee – with grass fed butter. I love it. I know it’s a fad, but try it! Blending fat into your coffee results in totally satisfying, rich-tasting, can’t wait to get out of bed sort of coffee. My dad (diebetic) has his with a little stevia. And… the saturated fats in grass fed butter helps with depression, mood swings, etc… and – supposedly the MCT oil also helps to boost your metabolism.
Okay, I am going to try this in the morning. I’ll have to look up how much butter to put in. I’m guessing less than a stick.
Sugar is a killer- good riddance out of your life.
I always find coffee a drain on my energy- even when still in the jar.
Thing is, habits are so hard to kick.
I think it’s a good thing it tastes like shit to you now; just find a healthier thang that doesn’t taste like pondwater or grass cuttings.
There are options, but it may be a case of trial and error!!!
Keep it up and don’t be tempted to eat sugar again once you’ve got it out of your system- the cravings will disappear!!!!
I know I will get there. I’m just not yet. But I am making progress.
It’s virtually impossible to cut out sugar- it is literally in anything that tastes of anything, or that is convenient. 🙁
Love your analogy of sugar free coffee and depression!
I really admire you for doing it, I know how hard it is when you feel down and anxious as “those” sort of foods soothe, but I s’pose it is worth it. Unfortunately!!!
Oh, I know. I am cutting out adding sugar to anything and things are are all about the sugar. In coffee alone, I am giving up about 40 teaspoons of sugar a week.
I’m feelin for ya. I did the opposite. Gave up all the creamers and went to one teaspoon of organic sugar in a big mug of coffee. Then our Saeco espresso machine died and we were cheap and went back to a drip machine. My only consolation is that we live in Hawaii and still have awesome local coffee.
Love the pictures.
Taressa
Oh man…I bet you have amazing coffee there.
Rudy and Dude’s reunion is the best thing I’ve seen all week. Brogmance.
You will love coffee again, Michelle. But maybe a different kind of coffee in a different kind of place. Change is evolution, right? Too bad it’s not wholly linear.
Looking for lessons in depression is pretty smart. I am rooting for you. We are all rooting for you. [in my best Tyra Banks’ screech]
Thank you! I’m not bad right now. Definitely been better, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel. 🙂
Sugar is certainly bad, but I learned early on that to deprive yourself of something 100% will make you cheat sooner. So one treat of “something” per week/month gives you a goal and anticipation is also good. But geez, don’t waste it on coffee! By the way, Dude needs to see a dentist. He needs his teeth cleaned before he meets up with Rudy again. They look like ‘before’ and ‘after’ pictures.
Dude is SOOOO raggy compared to Rudy. That’s mostly because Alfie the kitty often beats the shit out of Dude and drags him around the house.
I was wondering when those two would have a smackdown. If you dipped Dude in catnip it would make for an amazing video. Excuse me, I just got a little blood-thirsty (stuffing-thirsty?) there for a moment. Move along. Nothing to see here.
Hahaha. That would be awesome. One of the presents I took home with me from the mountains is this horrible, cheesy stuffed leprechaun. Alfie has been beatng the shit out it and leaving Dude alone for the time being.
I used to love coffee, and mostly I drank it black, then I found out I was slightly allergic to it and backed off from it a little.
When you drive a truck for a living, you find out where all of the strongest coffee can be obtained, and back in the nineties it was Uncommon Grounds in the East Bay, and Horse Shoe Coffee on Haight Street in San Francisco.
Since I stopped doing speed after my stroke, I don’t do any other stimulants either, not coffee, not Coke or Pepsi or anything else with caffeine in it. Chocolate doesn’t count. Sometimes when I get sleepy while trying to read something I’ll take a couple of sips out of one of the half-finished Cokes in the ‘fridge, but other than that, nothing.
As for the sugar, I was initially scared that once I was down from speed, I would start gaining weight, as I’ve seen some of my friends do. While I was in the hospital my doctors even talked to me about it: “You can’t eat the way you’re used to eating any more” they told me, “you’re already 212 pounds, which isn’t bad for your height, but you don’t move around like you did before your stroke, and your metabolism is likely to change.” Change it did, but I was dogged about exercise as soon as I was up out of the wheelchair, and I was careful about my diet, but not that careful, and the last time I went to the doctor I was 193 pounds. So I apparently dodged that bullet. I do take a Statin drug to keep my cholesterol under control, and have had multiple blood draws to make sure I wasn’t edging toward diabetes, and they were apparently OK.
But I also found something weird happened after it became clear that I had to change my ways to stay alive: my tastes changed. I don’t like salt any more. I still like sugar, but I actually prefer non-sweet food to sugary food.
One thing about the coffee: it does feel good not to need it to wake up. Having done speed for 25 years, I just never believed that could happen, that I could wake up without some form of chemical help. I do get kinda cranky when I don’t get enough sleep, though.
Depression is a motherfucker, and I’ve struggled with it my entire adult life. Mostly I tried to ride the flip side of it like a surfboard and stay wired and manic to be functional and happy, but that always eventually leads to the crash, and the numbness of that crash is actually dangerous, in that it can cause you to miss things that can hurt you when ignored.
Jenny Lawson says that depression lies, and Winston Rowntree, one of my favorite webcomic artists, just produced an animated series for Cracked called People Watching, and there are three of them up so far, but the third one deals with dating and depression and further anthropomorphizes depression into a total asshole who speaks toxic negativity to you and keeps you from believing in yourself while he’s around. Here’s a link to it if you are interested, and if you like it, the other two are good also, and not as heavy:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtKUUkEDetI&t=306s&index=1&list=PL_saLI-LH-VrxFpFgk467Jn02i46arTyD
Thank you so much for the links!
I’m getting used it, sort of. I love sweet tea. LOVE IT. Well, I used to. Now it’s gross. I’m drinking unsweetened green, jasmine and earl grey. It’s not disgusting.
I chew Big Red gum or Brachs used to made really hot cinnamon hard candy (whoops sugar). The cinnamon is the only thing that keeps me awake. Caffeine does nothing
Good luck. It just might take more time to get the taste right without the sugar. I am pursuing a sugar eliminated, dairy eliminated, carb restricted diet. I however will not give up my 1/2 and 1/2 in my decaf coffee. When I went through chemo my coffee tasted like metal. That was a dark time. Every month for 6 months 1 week my coffee tasted alright and the other weeks it was like licking tin foil.
That is pretty much what I am doing other than I have not eliminated dairy…that’s where I draw the line. haha.
I went through this process and am now on the other end for years. My grandmother used to be diabetic, so same exact fear. It takes time, after time, after time, and then you get used to it. Also quality coffee. Invest in maybe even one of those artisanal organic shit, whatever tastes good.
I’ll get there. I have been drinking the same brand of coffee for years. I’m going to stick with Douwe Eberts a while longer. If it doesn’t improve, I’ll start experimenting again.
Add coconut milk or almond milk or coconut oil….adds a creaminess and a sweetness…stevia works in a pinch, but can get bitter real quickly. Also you might try a flavored coffee…purists will scoff, but if you don’t want the sugar, flavor can sometimes help – cheers!
I tried so many artificial sweeteners and I don’t like any of them. I”m just going without sweetness. Although, I might try the coconut oil thing.
I really like trader joes coconut creamer. Im not anti dairy, i just think it tastes good. Im in the throes of giving up diet soda. Pray for me.
You can do it!! I’m gonna give that coconut creamer a try! Anything to bring back my joy of coffee.
Ruined coffee! That’s hard, and you’re very impressive for persevering. My book to help me consider giving up sugar arrived while I was reading your blog. You give me hope. I’m glad I drink my coffee black and unsweetened though.
How’s the book? Helpful? If so, what is the title?
It’s That Sugar Book by Damon Gameau. A big jolly format, very easy to read. I’m about half way through already and planning some serious changes, starting with dumping the juicer and eating the damn vegetables. Also avoiding alcohol as I make really bad food choices when drinking or hungover, then feel like crap and don’t do good stuff like meditating or going to the gym. I can’t do moderation, it confuses me, I have to abstain (or not). I’m the same age as you, would benefit from being 50 pounds lighter, and really want to get this sorted once and for all (ha! Fat chance! If I can get there I’m hoping maintenance will be easier but I’m kidding myself if I think I can get away with a single event, eternal vigilance will be needed!). Sigh 🙁
Time to take responsibility and get on with it 😉
Okay! Awesome. Heading to amazon now. 🙂
I guess I’m lucky that I hate the taste of coffee! Have you tried a little stevia? My aunt uses it in everything–it’s a little sweeter than sugar but she says she got used to it quickly. I can’t use artificial sweeteners and caffeine makes me twitchy so I just drink herbal teas. I’ll never be one of the cool kids.
I tried stevia in truvia and I hated it. blech.
I’ve been on and off that sugar wagon so many times the wagon is tired of it. The last time was just before Thanksgiving last year and it only took Christmas, again, to get me jumping off, full force right back into my sugar habit. I LOVED this post! You’re a riot!
Thank you so much!!
Red flags always go up when I hear about joint pain, particularly hip pain. I know there are a lot of varying causes of hip pain but I’ll tell you my experience in the event that eliminating sugar doesn’t eliminate the pain. I developed agonizing hip pain during my 50’s which woke me up after about 3 hours of sleep every single night. Nothing helped the pain – not advil, not tylenol – OTC pain medications did nothing. I remember my mother had complained of agonizing hip pain during the years before her death. To make a long story short – the issue was wheat. I have an auto-immune disorder and was having an inflammatory response to wheat, which it seems I’m all allergic to (I’m allergic to grasses). No wheat, no pain. Life changing.
That is really good to know. I have had a FEW nights where it was difficult to sleep because of my hips, but it is not consistent. If limiting sugar doesn’t help, I’ll try wheat next.