Randy and I listen to a lot of different music. We both listen to music all day long while working. I can’t write code unless I have music blaring in my ears. The music calms down the monkey part of my brain that is constantly clamoring for attention.
Randy has introduced so many artists to me over the years and I can’t envision a life that isn’t filled with music.
That being said, I think the best song I’ve learned in the twenty years that Randy and I have been together is the “Asshole” song by Denis Leary.
I can’t tell you how many times that song has come in handy. Just tonight, Randy was being annoying in his Randy kind of way and once again, the best response was to belt out “You’re an asshole…the world’s biggest asshole.”
I would tell you what he did that was annoying, but I honestly don’t remember.
This isn’t really about me serenading my husband, though.
This is a sad story.
This is a story where I have to admit that I’ve lost a war. I have had to concede.
After twenty years together, I flinched and all was lost.
Randy tells dumb jokes. He makes up dumb jokes. He constantly makes the worst puns or the most obvious commentary and then laughs like a goddamn hyena.
I have been diligent over the years. I have countered these outbursts from him by inviting him to consider the possibility that he isn’t as funny as he thinks he is. I have rolled my eyes hard enough to time travel.
I have won battle after battle, year after year and then it happened.
Randy loves yogurt. Personally, I have no idea how anyone can choke down satan’s butt paste, but Randy loves it. Bless his heart. He was mixing blueberries and lemon extract into his Greek yogurt.
Me: You only need a few drops of that extract.
Randy: Don’t be telling me about extract. I’m a motherfucking extract expert.
Me: I just know you. You can always add, you can’t take away.
Randy: When I was young, I was known in the neighborhood as “the extract kid”.
Then I lost it.
I laughed my ass off. Honestly, it wasn’t much different than his normal stupid jokes. I have no idea why “the extract kid” cracked me up. But it did and I laughed.
Randy’s face lit up like a kid getting a puppy on Christmas.
To lose the war this late in the game is more than a setback. It’s devastating.
He is also very funny much of the time. I only eye rolled when the jokes were lame. Until the yogurt incident.
He’s still not as funny as he thinks he is.
I’m on MockMom today. Can you stop by and leave a comment? I always feel so exposed on other sites…not like here. Here is safe and warm. Anyway, here’s my fake news article about separating classrooms by weight.
I liked Denis Leary better when he was Bill Hicks.
HAHAHHAHA…Right? I didn’t realize how much he was “influenced” until I watched a show about it.
…rolling your eyes so hard it almost sent you into a time travel is hysterical.
I’m heading to MockMom ✌️
Thank you! I hope you like the MockMom piece..I liked that one. They are so much fun to write.
There will be other victories. Give yourself time to heal. 😉
Not gonna lie…it’s been hard. He hasn’t gloated too much, though. bless his heart.
You and Randy are apparently a perfect match – I love reading your account of your banter. Thank him for keeping your eyes healthy – they’ve gotten plenty of exercise. Can’t wait to read your other post – they make my day!
Hahahha…strongest muscles in my body. and THANK YOU!
would it be unbelievably awkward if I overshared and said I read your posts I see your Facebook updates and I wish I had what you and Randy have.
I know it’s work but I see it’s love.
Nope…not awkward at all..and I know awkward. I’m kind of a goddess at awkward.
I am not gonna lie..I am eternally grateful for our relationship. It’s not like it’s always a laugh a minute..far from it, but there is a security there that has eluded me for most of my life. Even with him, it took me a number of years to trust it. It is love..we are each other’s biggest allies. 🙂
Yep, my husband thinks he is freaking hilarious too and sometimes once in a blue moon he is pretty funny! It’s our job not to let it go to their heads! We’re meant to poke that bubble and make sure it smears all over their shit eating grins! It’s our lot in life I suppose. I’m heading your way this weekend…well maybe! I’m supposed to come through town after a few days of camping in the Appalachian Mtns.
Sweet! If you make it this way, let me know and maybe we can meet up for lunch or something
Extract in yogurt? I will have to try this. Oh, not your point, hey you threw him a genuine bone! I have to now google Denis Leary’s asshole song.
I will warn you..it WILL get stuck in your head.
This is terrible but I want to hang out with Randy. Or maybe it’s great. It would be terrible for you because I’d just encourage him. And I’m as bad as he is. Maybe worse. It doesn’t help that when I get really excited I laugh just like Tom Hulce in “Amadeus”. Seriously. That movie would be on TV and the next day friends would come up to me and say, “You know you who sound like?” And then when you got him back he’d be even worse.
Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna hop in my hot pink 1967 Cadillac Eldorado with whale skin hubcaps and big brown baby seal eyes for headlights and peel out of your driveway.
HAHAHHAHA…OMG…I have to hear your laugh now.
You know, I used to hate that song soooo much. And then I realized how much I DO love Denis Leary. 😉
I love this. Because yes. The husbands need the laughter sometimes, instead of the eye-rolling. *wink*
Hahhah..yes. Yes they do.
Both your posts were obvi da bomb… the eye rolling time travel is a real thing: whenever my 19y/o daughter visits, she’s teaching me how to do it. She doesn’t KNOW she’s teaching me so one day I can teach my grandkids.
Thanks for both posts!
Hahaha..you are welcome!
there’s nothing worse than letting a lame joke maker think they’re funny – you are now doomed! Prepare to have even more “humour” coming your way now that you have encouraged him – good luck!
Sigh…I know.
Are you telling me there’s hope? Signed: Wife of World’s Worst Punster
I don’t think there is…but it COULD be worse! So, there’s that.
I mean, I like yogurt, but “satan’s butt paste” was THE MOST funny!
I don’t know, I think “the extract kid” was a warranted belly laugh. I like that kind of joke, I guess. I might be secretly lame? Shit. I thought I was one of the cool kids nowadays.
Well, if we BOTH laughed at it..then it must have been a good one.
Laughing out loud over you laughing out loud…
Around here, we have an ongoing joke about him saying “you do what I tell you to, because I’m The Man and My Word is Law”. HAHAHAHAAAHAA That SO doesn’t happen, and he knows it. I always win that one…
He absolutely knows better than to *tell* me to do anything, because he knows from long, long experience, that if he tries to *tell* me to do something, that is the #1 way to guarantee that that IS NOT GETTING DONE, ever, in this lifetime. Even if I was already going to do it; if he *tells* me to do it, it’s game over. It’s been a running joke since like 1987. And I lost yesterday.
We were both doing nothing; he was inside napping, and I was out laying in the sun because SUN. I came in, and he asked me, from his spot on the couch, to go outside and shut this little cracked-open bit on the camper door, so the flies wouldn’t get in. I was like, “Oh? Hmm. I just came IN, so…no” then I shrugged and promptly LAID DOWN AND TOOK A NAP.
Of course, eventually I did have to go…outside…to take out some trash, and the camper is right there, so I closed the thing. Because why not, right? So, when he looked out later, of course he noticed it and was like “Oh. I see you closed the thing. Like I told you to.”
damn.
damndamndamn
Now I have to start over. I feel your pain. 😉
HAHAHHAHAHA….at least I am not alone in my misery.
We shall overcome!!
And you know you will NEVER live that one down, right? He has won the war and I’m guessing he will never let you forget it! I bet he’ll pull the “Extract kid” joke a few more times just to make you cringe and squirm… lol
You can count on that!
Uh oh…you’re in for it now! I loved both this post and the one at MockMom. I did my duty and left a comment over there to make you feel less exposed. Sorry it was the length of a blog post. xoxo
Don’t apologize..I LOVED your comment at MockMom!! Perfect.
Sounds like I am going to have to download this song to add to my post mastectomy playlist! You sound like you have the perfect marriage. Don’t give in again.
Oh trust me…I won’t.
And yes..I think this will be the perfect post mastectomy song!
So you have uncovered the global conspiracy to discredit you by MAKING YOU LAUGH…
Like you (and Sarah Vowell) said, it could be worse…
I read one of Denis Leary’s books, and the “Asshole” video is hilarious.
I KNEW it was a conspiracy!!!!
I knew there was something I should be remembering in order to respond to this post:
“and how do you do it?
and make it seem effortless
when its all the stupid things
so overwhelming to me
like paying my bills
or showing up for work early
or laughing at your jokes
when you first said that anything goes
or a problem is a task disguised in work clothes
that’s when i knew i had to move
and why do you do it?
and make it seem delicate
when its all the stupid things
so damn confusing to me
like talking it through
controlling my temper
like letting it go
saying please forgive me
or laughing at your jokes”
-Rilo Kiley “Plane Crash in C”
I LOVE this!
UM, I’m pretty sure you’re the one who introduced me to the Asshole song, right Doug?!
No, Aussa, that was a comment a few previous to mine, and where I first learned of the Denis Leary video. I suggested “Broken Hearts are for Assholes” by Frank Zappa in that thread.
Great post. Anyone in a serious relationship (or even not so serious a relationship) can relate. I don’t like Denis Leary’s song (I’m from a different generation). But the sentiments and the behaviors — definitely an”asshole.” Such a great descriptor. Is it still classed as an “obscenity?” Along with “fuck” and “shit?” And “bloody?”
Those words are all over Facebook. Still, I’m sensitive about using them in my Toastmasters speeches. Gary Vaynerchuk, tho, seems to have made a success from them — ohh, and he also offers some valuable information along with.
luv
Cursing, for me, lifts my spirits…it’s like a tea kettle letting off steam.
Damn you know you’re never going to hear the end of that
🙂
Never ever ever
I have never heard the asshole song, but now I want to. I loved Dennis Leary in Rescue Me. I loved how his character was real and flawed. It’s okay that you lost this one, perhaps what you gained was more than worth it. 🙂
I LOVE Rescue Me. Such a good show. Plus there is Franco. I could watch Franco all day long.
You have a lost the battle, but the war rages on. *Katniss Everdeen Salute*
I STILL haven’t seen that movie..
Oh boy… you cracked. You’ve released the kracken. Prepare yourself for a never ending stream of bad puns. Just hope he doesn’t discover the art of the innuendo. Then you’ll have to live with the constant, “wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”
My husband thinks he’s funny too, but i have to remind him that like the highlander, there can be only one.
Oh god…I get the ACTUAL “wink, wink, nudge, nudge” all the time. HAHAHAH
Oh no! You’ve blown it. I would just give up now. Climb in a box or something and just stay there. I’m so sorry.
After fighting it for so many years. Sad really.
Coincidence! I’m also married to a man named Randy who thinks he’s hilarious and eats yogurt (Dannon though, not Greek). And I must agree that Dannon is Satan’s butt paste.
Oh well. Sounds like you made your Randy’s day by appreciating his “humor.” I guess that’s what marriage is all about.
Hahha…yes..yes it is. I have come to the conclusion that “Randys” are their own breed of cat.
Oh, I think your husband and mine are kindred spirits. I said something to him about needing to leave early for a 4:30 appointment. How about 4:20?
His response?
“Hehe you said 4:20.”
That’s what I get, pretty much nonstop around here. An adolescent in the body of a man.
HA! yeah…about the same.
You might as well have waved the white flag. He’s never going to stop with the Dad jokes and puns now.
Oh…so far, the volume hasn’t changed..so you know, a constant steady stream…like always.