Last week was one of the most fucked up weeks in all the weeks of fucked upped weeks that ever was or ever will be.
I might be exaggerating. But still, massively fucked up.
Last Friday I finally left a job that I’ve hated for years. I got to bask in the joy of being free for a few hours before getting violently ill and getting admitted to the hospital. I didn’t start my new job on Monday as planned. Or Tuesday.
That helps though. That is one of the keys to getting through your first week of work in under 30 days.
First, don’t work the entire week. One of the best ways to quickly get through the first week of your new job is to not show up for the whole week, just work part of your first week. Calling in sick on your first day is a good way to shorten that week. Calling in sick for your first two days? Even better.
It makes those first day jitters just sing when you’re already socially anxious, don’t know anyone and start off looking like a slacker.
I know my first day only seemed to last 122 hours because a large portion of the day flew by while meeting new people, all of whom knew I had been in the hospital. Not only did I have to go through the discomfort of meeting new people, I got to talk about my health, too!
Honestly, I should have just taken the whole week off. I wasn’t well when I worked on Wednesday and had a few moments when I thought I might vomit or pass out. I am most grateful neither happened. I’d like to work there at least a month before I do something to humiliate myself.
Unfortunately, that didn’t happen, either. I mean, it wasn’t vomiting or losing consciousness, but I still managed to embarrass myself.
My second day only seemed to last 17 hours because I managed to keep to myself for most of the day. One of great things about being the only computer programmer at my job is no one knows what my screen is supposed to look like. I put headphones on, listened to music and stared blindly at code that was written when I was around 15 years old (not even exaggerating) and silently freaking out about how I was never ever ever ever going to be able to navigate through those ancient hieroglyphics.
Not that I’m complaining, but I really hoped for an office. I got another cubicle. I’m in a small office that is shared with two other people. One woman has been there for over thirty years and the other one is named after that makeup company where the top reps get to drive a pink Cadillac.
Apparently, people had been popping into the office and quietly asking about me. I had headphones on and didn’t hear any of it.
Toward the end of the day, I took my headphones off and the pink Cadillac lady, said ‘bullshit’ and then got quiet. She said, “Um, I hope that didn’t offend you. We’re not quite sure what you’re used to”.
I could have just said she was fine. I could have laughed and assured her that I was far from offended. I could have pretended I didn’t hear her.
Did I do any of those things? Fuck no.
I got up, walked around the wall, walked to her cube, looked at her and said: “Shit Fuck Motherfucker Cocksucker Cunt Dickbag Asshole Fuckstick”.
I wish I was kidding.
Then I said, “There, we got that out of the way. That is my way of telling you I am not easily offended.”
I wish I could describe the look on her face. I’m also reasonably sure they all had something to talk about in the break room the next day. I was invited to eat lunch with a group of the women but I made a lame excuse about being busy and not wanting to infect anyone.
Yesterday, the last day of my first week, only seemed to take 20 hours. On the one hand, I was able to produce something to show my new boss, on the other hand, I continued to be me.
At the end of the day, my new boss came over and asked me if I was planning to party over the weekend. I said no. For fuck’s sake, I was still getting over my intestinal flu, just thinking about booze makes me want to puke. I offered to show him what I had done so far and then managed to put my network password in wrong three times and locked myself out.
Here’s some advice for you computer programmers out there starting a new job. Put your password in wrong three times because your caps lock is on in front of your new boss. Because that inspires confidence. Then I had to make the long trek down the hall, with my boss, to tell the network guy that I had locked myself out.
Awesome.
He was happy with the direction I was taking on my first project and then asked me how I felt about my first week.
You know, people appreciate honesty. This is something that I hear from people quite often. They like asking my opinion of things because they know I will give them an honest one. I’m not cruel, but I do try to speak from a place of truth.
It might have been a good idea to back off that policy when I answered my new boss about how I felt about my first week. I told him that the first day was just horrible. I felt like shit and I was lost and I pretty much would have been happier getting a root canal. Then I tried to recover by saying the second day wasn’t nearly as horrible. Only half as horrible. I finished up lamely saying that the week ended up nicely and I felt good about the project I was working on.
I would have been better off just saying: “Shit Fuck Motherfucker Cocksucker Cunt Dickbag Asshole Fuckstick”.
Before I left, the other woman in my office told me to make sure I kept any food in my area in air tight containers because they’ve recently been finding mouse poop on their desks in the morning.
Yay.
I laugh-cringed the entire way through this. 🙂 Glad you’re feeling better!
I am very much better…not enough for booze though…so I can’t even drink away the cringe worthy memories. Holy hell. I was just talking to a friend on the phone and she says she’s going to needlepoint a picture for me that says ‘always don’t talk’. hahahahah
I really, really wish there was video footage of that cube conversation. 😀
Glad you survived the first week and even more glad that you’re feeling better!!!
Oh god…I am forever grateful it wasn’t on video.
Brilliant!
Social awkwardness that might actually be worse than mine, though I am pretty adept at saying exactly the wrong thing, all the time, so it’s probably as well I don’t see many humans.
Ah well, it can only go up from here!
🙂
I truly wish I could have been a fly on the wall.
Next week will be better.
One of these days we will meet in person and we will totally speak each other’s language. haha.
Anna Wintour had a rat eat through her fancy assed leather window seat AND shit on her desk in the new World Trade Center.
she probably said “FUCKING COCKSUCKING RATS!!”
And then adjusted her $304,967,893,847 sunglasses made from the skin and bones of fetal pandas.
(it took A LOT of fetal pandas)
She paid WAY too much for those fetal panda glasses…you can get reasonable knockoffs (fetal koala) for under 30k.
Hey – don’t you pick on our national animal – find some other animal to pick on !!!! PMSL !
I laughed at your string of profanity. That is exactly what I would have done, and then wondered if it was a little over the top. Wherever I go, I’m always the token vaguely inappropriate and highly obnoxious girl. Shock and Awe, people. That’s what I’m here for.
They’ll grow to love your straight forwardness. Or at least appreciate it. Or if not, at least tolerate it. If not any of those things, then at least you’ll be able to use the term Fuckstick often and in context, so you always have that.
Glad you’re feeling better.
Haha..yeah, I’m always about shock value..but I actually am nice…just not wrapped up in a nice package. And thank you. I feel so much better. Not perfect yet..but better
I think talking is OK . . . although sometimes reciting the alphabet is the best option. People look at you funny because they have no idea of the bullet they just dodged, but funny is usually better than horrified.
So far, I haven’t seen actual horror..maybe just a little befuddlement.
Well, they may not be familiar with the term Fuckstick . . .
True…so it was educational. I was being helpful! YAY ME!
Please add a “LIKE” button to your blog comment section. 🙂
I’ll talk to my IT department about that. haha.
Hell sometimes letting loose with a sting of curse words makes on feel good but sometimes those words need to be thought not said……………..that said this post made me laugh
I have such a hard time making that distinction.
You are my hero.
Your rant reminded me of “Serial Mom.” I can’t wait to tell my best friend about this post, she’s going to love it.
Hahahah…I LOVED that movie.
Thank you!
Oh my word! You really DID do a proper job.
Silver Lining….all gets better from here, right?
I hope so..I guess if not, I’ll at at least have some more blog fodder.
Nobody’s ever said “Shit Fuck Motherfucker Cocksucker Cunt Dickbag Asshole Fuckstick” to me. I feel kind of left out.
Hahaha…well…then this ‘shit fuck motherfucker cocksucker cunt dickbag asshole fuckstick’ is just for you.
Oh my, aren’t you glad the first week is over…and I hope you are wrapped up in a blanket and binge watching netflix….
It will get better. right? repeat after me.
It
Will
Get
Better!
hahah…thank you…and that is EXACTLY what I am doing.
Not sure yet whether to laugh, cringe, or set up an intervention. I think I will go with laugh hysterically. When are you going to publish an entire book, get rich, and retire to look for rats hiding in bad code?
sigh..and that is the stuff that dreams are made of. I guess writing a book would be the first step. Next would be getting over my revulsion when it comes to rodents.
I think your officemate will be emboldened by your full spectrum of curses! Your boss probably thinks you already breathed new life into the place.
I like this. Let’s go with this…
I know a guy who bought one of those pink Caddies second hand, put a new engine in it, and sold it to a pimp. He does stuff like that for a living. Feel better about your new job now?
This post is hilarious. Good strategy, too: the sooner they know who they’re dealing with, the sooner you can be your real self around them.
You make a good point..the sooner they know who they are dealing with, the better for all of us.
I sincerely hope the weekend has been rejuvenating. I’m very impressed with the headphones strategy. Brilliant. That should buy you quite a bit of time. But maybe don’t actually listen to anything, just so long as your cubicle-co-workers think you’re not able to hear what they’re saying. Get to know them a little with some surveillance by subterfuge.
Hmmmm…good idea..although, maybe I don’t want to know what they think..
so here’s the good news: your second week HAS to be better than the first. Right?
Yeah, unless I spontaneously combust, it’s got to be better.
Well, at least you got all that out of your system quickly.
Yes..hopefully that was all of it. But if I’m honest, because I know me, it’s probably not.
If anyone had ever walked into my cubicle and said those words they would’ve made a friend for life! The part about getting locked out of your computer with the boss standing there…I’m sorry, but that’s good stuff!
Seriously, let people know up front who you are and how you act…weed out the stick-up-their-ass types right off the bat. Here’s to next week being better!
Hahaha…well..I hope it turns out. And I don’t think next week could be worse..still horribly anxious about going back tomorrow and I can’t tell if I really think I have a reason to be anxious or if it’s just habit for me to be anxious. Either way, I’m sick of it.
OMG you and I might just be soul mates. The cocsucker cubicle tirade sounds exactly like something I would do.
I knew I wasn’t alone in this.
You are my hero.
Thank you, gorgeous..that means a lot coming from you. 🙂
I’ve never felt quite so guilty laughing at someone else’s misfortune.
But dammm, grrl! You so funny!
Hahah. Thanks. All I have to do is take notes.
I’m just about to get serious about looking for my first job in 10 years. I think missing the first week will be my new approach to easing into things.
It’s definitely one approach.
Is it wrong that I wish something as horrible as your week would happen to me because it made such a kick-ass blog post? Glad you’re feeling better!
Nope! In fact, I will send up a quick thought to the whole universe that you horribly humiliate yourself very soon for blog fodder. That’s how much I love you.
Man, there’s never a week like your first week. Hopefully week 2 is much shorter!
I am hoping so..and I have to work all the days.
Hang. In. There. It will get better (it most certainly can’t get worse)! 🙂
It will get better..I know it will…
Did you ever find any mouse poop? Or like at my job: dead mouse…
Not yet..but today is only my 4th day on the job, so there’s still plenty of time.
woo-woo moment here: You were sick and your body/spirit/mind was purging the old job from your system. Sorry the purge was enough to land you in the hospital. I bet this week is better.
So far, so good..
You know, if people were really brave we would do what you did on your first week. Instead of being a kiss-ass, a do-gooder, or a “people-person”………….we should all just go ahead and lower the bar. Call in sick, curse, make mistakes right in front of the boss.
You’ve set an awesome precedent! Your job will be much more relaxing than if you had set yourself up to be Miss Perfect.
God, I love you.
I cannot even write a comment because I am laughing so hard. That sounds like the story of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to move back to Kentucky pronto and save your from yourself!
I’m awkward in KY too…haha
Oh man – this made me laugh – and I was definitely laughing with you and not at you !!!!
I will put money on it that it will get better. I’m sure clearing the air like you did will go a long way towards them knowing where the line is should they feel the need to question that line in the future !!!
I hope your second week is better xox
I hope it gets better. I was so lost today..gah.
Oh goodness. Great post, and I laughed, especially at your ice breaker, but oh man do I sympathize! Hang in there! It’ll get a little better at least! Maybe even a lot better. 🙂
I’ll be happy for a little better.
The good news is that you survived…week one (how many ever days it actually was!) is now officially behind you! PHEW. Also, getting the awkward boss moment out of the way early means that you are officially done with that, too! ;)-Ashley
Now, if I could just convince myself that I can learn this old ass code.
Hahahahaha! I cannot TELL you how many ways I loved your “Shit Fuck Motherfucker Cocksucker Cunt Dickbag Asshole Fuckstick”. What I WILL tell you is that I totally plan to make use of that someday… maybe it’ll be the last thing I say before they fire me. 😉
Yay! We should make it a thing. This is how one resigns..or gets fired. Or how we sign our Christmas cards.