This change is so hard for me.
I went back and reread the recent posts I’ve written about anxiety and how I’m feeling and it occurred to me that I really only skimmed the surface.
I do not feel like I made a mistake taking this new job.
Except that’s not the truth. There is a part of me that truly believes I would be better off at my old job. It was safe. And I had twice as much vacation time.
I’ve been writing a lot about anxiety lately. Probably because I’m goddamn anxious.
I’m nearing the second week at my new job. I was able to complete a simple project for the owner of the company today and it felt like a win. Even as I type this, my anxiety is rolling it’s eyes and saying “Really? You’re happy about THAT? That project should have literally taken 10 minutes to complete, not 3 hours.
I’m going to stick with ‘it’s a win’. I was assigned a task. I completed it. It was accurate. It’s a fucking win.
I just wrote a long rambling blog post about starting my new job today and how my anxiety is kicking my ass and how very terrified I am that I’ve made a horrible decision.
It’s true. My anxiety is winning right now. I am terrified. My inner voice loves it when I’m down, because that cunt kicks it into overdrive and pulls no punches.