Sorry I missed you guys on Monday. Randy and I left for the Tennessee mountains last Friday and didn’t get home until Monday evening. Today is Tuesday and I’ m still goddamn recovering from our trip, so this might take a few days. Also, stop talking so loud. Inside voices.
I turned 55 on Sunday. I think there is a Sammy Hagar joke in there somewhere, but the joke eludes me. I can’t get out of second gear.
I think this is the third birthday in a row we’ve spent with our mountain friends.
At least, last year and this year.
At home, plants are still dormant. Mountain girl has hundreds of daffodils in full bloom. I choose to believe they bloomed for me.
I always ponder on my birthday. Having pretty flowers feels good when contemplating your life. I guess. I don’t know.
Unfortunately, having a good time interfered with deep introspection.
I certainly didn’t act 55.
What does that mean, anyway? Acting your age? Whatever your age, however you are acting is acting your age. This is science, people. You can’t argue science. Well, you can, but it’s dumb to argue science. Have you ever watched Neil DeGrasse Tyson? That’s a smart motherfucker, right there. I wouldn’t want to argue with him over anything.
I’ve spent the last two days deciphering my notes. 30% are unreadable. I don’t have great handwriting. Plus, Mountain Girl and the Bass Player gave me a lot of bourbon for my birthday.
Let’s see if we can piece these notes together.
Mountain girl and the Bass Player have someone staying with them to help with a remodeling project. We will call her Cold D.
Mountain girl, Cold D, and I discussed what to call a group of women over fifty. You know, like a gaggle of geese or a murder of crows. I settled on an asshat of crones. No idea if that will catch on or not. Probably not. Trust me, it was hilarious at the time.
I struggled super hard Saturday and Sunday mornings.
Anxiety doesn’t care how bad I needed a break.
This was my view Saturday morning.
The company was lovely and my coffee was perfect. But I couldn’t get a hold of Joey. It was early. Joey is 19 years old. Logic and experience would indicate he was still sleeping. But would my brain listen to reason?
My older son was in Florida vacationing with his girlfriend and was flying home that night. In a plane. That is such a stupid idea. It’s a huge chunk of metal. In the goddamn sky. Nothing about that sounds reasonable to me. So, obviously, both of my sons were in peril.
I got a text from Joey early afternoon. It said: I gave the cats Mountain Dew instead of water. They seem to like it. That’s cool, right?
Joey’s preferred method of communicating with me when we are away is to be an enormous smartass. He is also hilarious.
So, the rest of the day was chill. I wore hippy pants and a bathrobe the entire day. Mountain girl made a standing rib roast which was amazing. We ate meat like the Flintstones, or King Henry the VIII, or my first boyfriend’s brother’s best friend, Kurt.
Then I saw my birthday cake.
This is the best birthday cake that ever was or ever will be.
By the time I feel asleep, or more accurately, passed out in a food coma Saturday night, my anxiety decided everything was probably okay and left me alone.
Sunday morning, though, my anxiety acted up immediately.
You know, everything at work is probably on fire. Seriously. I’m sure it’s bad. You’ll be destitute in no time.
And with that my anxiety spiked to between moderate and a little more than fucking moderate.
But Sundays are rehearsal days. I so looked forward to my personal concert with The Madisons.
Then, Mountain Girl got a phone call. The drummer had car issues and wouldn’t be able to make rehearsal. Before I could be too terribly disappointed, Cold D volunteered to fill in. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person ever in their house with no musical talent.
I am goddamn good at listening to music though. Art is awesome to make, but it’s more satisfying when consumed. I console myself with that. Some people have to be there to listen.
Midway through their set, Mountain Girl and I started chanting “fuck fuck fuck fuck fucked up”, while the bass player and Cold D picked up the beat. You guys that felt so good. It only lasted a few minutes, but was what I needed. My anxiety wasn’t gone, but it was better.
We played a lot of Word Ball, which is basically someone saying a word or a phrase and the next person adds to the word or phrase. This is how we came up with the phrase “Gang Bangus Beef”. We decided that needed a tag line. “Beat your meat and eat it, too.” I’m not sure exactly what Gang Bangus Beef is. A brand? A restaurant? Either way, we were amused. We also found “Stevie Ray Vaughn Calling” terribly amusing. But like I said, they gave me a lot of bourbon.
So, I guess this is my long way of saying why I abandoned you guys on Monday.
Happy Birthday
Thank you!!!
Happy Birthday! 55 is a great age. Meaning good, not large.
Thank you! I am quite content with my age, which is good because it’s not like I can change it
Glad you had a fun weekend. You deserve it. Muah!
Thank you, gorgeous. It was amazing as always
Could be worse. You could be 56. I mean, I’m betting 56 is more stressful.
Still, the cake appears to qualify as comfort food and the bourbon probably helps…
I have high hopes for 56. They just keep getting better, honestly.
You made my day!! I was creeping around the office like a snail until I read this. An asshat of crones, gang bangus beef, you are too much. And that cake – I could only eat about 5 or 6 pieces of that in one sitting 🙂 What a monument. Happy double nickels.
YAY!! And the cake tasted as good as it looked. OMFG was it good.
Happy birthday and many more like that to follow.
It sounded like a great one. Being in the range of asshat of crones makes me very proud.
Can’t wait to be 55.
Reading your
Dubble Nickels ,I suddenly decided to make the coming year dubble extra in every way. Thankx for that!
YAY!!!! Thank you!
Happy birthday, from a proud, fellow, asshat crone!
Thank you! I love being a crone. It’s amazing. I’ve always been an asshat, though. haha
A zephyr of viragos?
A Medusa of harridans?
A clot of babes?
Happy birthday, young’un!
HAHAHAH. I LOVE THOSE!! Thank you! xo
I envy you the cake and the Madisons. Not the 55 though, although now you qualify to live in a retirement community. I blew past 55 without even noticing, but the next 10 years were memorable, and not in a good way. Gaggle is a happy sounding word, so I’d like to go with that – unfortunately, my next thoughts are not so erudite, leaving me with a happy start and a bummer ending. I’ll leave the cleverness to you as you certainly have me beat there! Glad you had a wonderful birthday, and the rest of your year continues on that high (bourbon) note, so that you don’t give a crap about 56!
Hahaah..OMG I DO qualify to live in a retirement community. That is awesome. xo
I am so glad you had a happy birthday. Fuck some anxiety. Mine has been crazy the last week but I feel better today. Nothing went to hell.
YAY for feeling better!!! xoxoxoxo
Happy birthday! You’re right, music is better when someone is listening to it. I’ve been to about 200 rock concerts, and I am a very good audience member.
Glad you got the better of your anxiety for a while, and may you kick its ass but good very soon.
Thank you! Dude, I hope so, I do. It’s been shitty, but I think a lot of that is because we’re moving at warp speed toward listing our house and change is so hard.
I don’t know why, but I cannot stop cracking up at “my first boyfriend’s brother’s best friend, Kurt.”
I am now fascinated by Kurt; I cannot decide if I need many posts devoted to him or if he should remain a mysterious figure, that I might fill in all sorts of outrageous details myself.
IKR? It’s not just “Kurt”, it’s all the rest of how he’s connected. Tell me moar, tell me moar, like does he have a car? 😉
Hmmm…nope, but he was a young man when I knew him, like 23 or 24. He was completely bald which happened when he was a kid and got beaned in the head with a golf ball.
Hahaha. Kurt is actually a real person. I have NO idea why I thought of him. I dated the same guy for 5 years through high school until I was 20. He was from Buffalo, NY and moved to Dry Ridge, KY. His brother stayed in Buffalo and we visited often. His brother had a friend named Kurt who was a sweet, jovial dude who could eat a million chicken wings in one sitting.
Happy birthday, Michelle. Sounds like a great time with dear friends, fun booze, and a killer cake. What ever happened to those Mountain Dew-fed felines? Laughing…
Haha, thank you. The kitties were fine. As they would be. Joey is a huge goober for the kitties.
How about a gabble of broads?
It sounds like you had the perfect birthday! Friends, laughter, good food and bourbon… who could ask for anything more? May you enjoy many more birthdays in exactly the same way.
Thank you so much! It was amazing.
I had anxiety on Tuesday when no “Rubber Shoes” had appeared. Went to my spam which is like entering the Twilight Zone. Relieved today to see you are not only alive but older. You are now officially the speed limit(in many states). But that shouldn’t slow you down. I hope the cats are not addicted to Mountain Dew. That would be tragic.
Haha, the kitties are fine and Mountain Dew free.
I’m not going anywhere. This is what I do. It’s been nearly 8 years and I have no intention of giving up my blog. It’s the best therapy I have ever had. I love everyone here so much.
I’d like to join your asshat of crones, please. Requirement is female over 50, right? or do we have to be dubble nickels first? Should I just stick with my clutch of pearls whilst I await your decision? My bag of crafts? My house of hens? My closet of comfies?
.
Happy Birthday! I’m glad you survived the Gang Bangus Beef. It was probably all of the bourbon and cake. 😀
You can be an asshat! No pearl clutching required! Haha.
The bourbon and cake didn’t hurt. I mean until it was over, then it hurt a little.
I just celebrated my double nickel bday too. My younger son took me to a secret speakeasy bar where everything was 5 bucks. It was a blast. And your son Joey sounds just like my older son Kyle who had all kinds of people in his office calling my cellphone all day to wish me happy birthday.
He is a toral smartass too. It was hilarious. Sounds like you enjoyed the 5-5 as much as i did. Happy Birthday!
Thank you! Your birthday sounds amazing! Our sons are awesome. 🙂
Happy Birthday! I like Mountain Girl and Bass Player, just because you have good stories about them. And because you like them. I’m cool with you missing an occasional day, if it’s for a good reason like Mountain weekend.
(sidenote/whine: anxiety’s identical cousin depression is trying to move in. I’m pretty sure the world is full of asshats. See the fluffy bunny over there? even it looks a little like an asshat. I hate depression, it’s an evil motherfucker. I will not let it win. I hope.)
Also, that cake looks amazing and I hope you ate the whole thing! and daffodils. Thanks for sharing your birthday with us.
Thank you so much! And fuck depression. Depression is an asshole. You will get to the other side, even if it seems like it will never happen. It will. XOXXOXO
Happy birthday! And sons are anxiety producing no matter what. Sounds like you have marvelous friends.
Thank you so much! And I do! I have wonderful friends.
Happy birthday. I’m so glad you spent it with a crown of crones.
Yeah, it’s not as funny as an “asshat of crones”, but it’s bad enough that my asshole phone keeps wanting to turn “crones” into “crimes”. I think it needs some gang bangus beef in its jack hole.
I like the idea of a crime of crones. It makes me want to rob a bank.
Happy belated B-Day. We share the day, but are a few years apart. Mine was pretty spectacular, too. Walked on the beach, rode along while my sis picked up a few Uber customers on their way and from bars/parties, and ate and drank my way through the rest of the weekend. [Drivers shouldn’t take a passenger along, but she made an exception as she’d just started and wanted me to see how much fun it can be. It was.]
One of the customers we picked up was a young teacher. After reading your piece on the students doing the heavy lifting on gun control, I was reminded of something she said that was so profoundly sad. About the chilling discussion on arming teachers, this woman, who taught in a poor district, said she got into teaching to teach kids, not kill them.
My favorite part of your birthday weekend: “Midway through their set, Mountain Girl and I started chanting “fuck fuck fuck fuck fucked up”, while the bass player and Cold D picked up the beat”
Hahha..that was a good moment, happy late birthday to you!! Your day sounds amazing!