The Middle Age Cafe: Where it’s always too goddamn hot. Could you crank up the a/c for chrissake?

Welcome to the Middle Age Cafe.

Only is it really middle age? Really? I mean, unless you think you’re gonna live to be 116 years old?

Anyway, I see you are here alone. I am going to seat you with some other ladies your age because honestly, you know you will end up talking to each other anyway.

Okay, I’ll let you settle in.

Can I get you a steaming hot cup of regret while you look over the menu? No? Okay, maybe later.

Let me tell you about our specials today.

For starters, we have prepared an array of new body pains that you can’t really compare to anything in the past and therefore must mean you are dying. Or if that isn’t to your liking, we have our tried and true “You never realized your dreams and now it’s too late,” That comes with a side of ranch.

Our special this evening is the sinking realization that people your age are retiring or actively planning their retirement and that you will always be on the outside looking in. It sounds amazing. Much like college sounded amazing. But like not going to college, you also aren’t going to get to retire. But no worries. You get 3 weeks of vacation! Every year!

Or, and the chef is really excited about this special.

It’s the “What the fuck is that on my face?” Umm, I don’t usually assert myself this way, but I think you should try this because what is that on your nose? It looks like the queen of all praying mantis laid her one and only egg on the side of your nose. It has a pulse. Wait, would it be praying mantises? Praying manti? What is the plural? Anyway, you should totally order it.

We really hope you save room for dessert, because we have such an amazing assortment.

I would bring the cart out, but what would be the point? You are going to order dessert no matter what. And no one ever really wants to share, so you know. Get one. Just for you. You won’t want to miss what we have tonight.

• First, we have “why can’t I feel my feet anymore” and you can’t go wrong with “rebellious chin hairs”.
• Our most requested dessert, however, is “how badly did I screw up my kids”. Seriously, people can’t get enough of that one.

After dessert, I can offer you coffee, or perhaps if you’re feeling unsatisfied and bitter, I can bring over a manager for you to berate for a full 10 minutes? No?

Okay, then I will leave the check with you. Please don’t rush. Also, before you leave, you really should check out this catalog of nothing but pants with elastic waistbands. You need to treat yourself. You know they’d be comfortable. Pockets are extra.

Tips are always appreciated.

Don’t forget, you can relieve yourself of some guilt over the way you treated waitstaff back in the 80s when you were going to clubs. How many did you stiff? Do you still tell that super funny “dine and dash” story? Leave me a big tip and you can let go of the image of that diner waitress with the baggy eyes. You know the one. You didn’t leave a tip and she refilled your cup at least 10 times.

Thanks so much for coming in!

And don’t forget our motto “Middle age is better than a sharp stick in the eye!” Also, “You aren’t middle aged anymore. Be reasonable!”.

Don’t forget our sister cafe: The Anxiety Cafe – Where Everything Is Overdone