Hubs named my boobs years ago. Thelma and Louise.

Sure, it took a while for me to get used to it. The way I was raised, you didn’t refer to body parts with anything other than..well..nothing. We just didn’t speak of places that were kept under wraps. When I was a kid, even someone using the word ‘privates’ sounded dirty to me.

I wonder why I question my mental health on a daily basis.

Anyway, let’s talk about boobies. I have some general questions for which I need answers.

When I get home from work, the very very VERY first thing I do is set my sister’s free. I can remove a bra without removing my shirt in under 8 seconds. Maybe only 6 if my bra is one of the uncomfortable ones.

Question number one: Why do we keep the uncomfortable bras? WHY?

Here’s an idea..let’s all go RIGHT THIS MINUTE and gather up the uncomfortable bras and throw them in my neighbor’s yard. I chose my neighbor because he’s parked his big stupid truck right in front of my house and it’s been there for 2 weeks now. Sure, it’s not MY street, but it’s still rude. We all have the understanding that the spot in front of your house kind of belongs to you.

Did you do it? Yeah..me either.

Question number two: Why is it, when you get older, that your nipples continuously think it’s cold out. It’s not ALWAYS cold. In fact, I usually feel like I’m ready to spontaneously combust, but not my nipples. No…to them it’s just below freezing all the time. That might have come in handy during my club days when I was young and lithe and dancing and sweaty. Now? Well, if I wear a thin bra and a thin shirt, I basically keep my arms crossed over my chest if I’m up walking around at work.

Question number three: Am I the only one who frequently has only ONE nipple that thinks it’s cold out? Because that shit is weird.

Also, why is it so hard to find a decent bra without an under wire? Are under wires really all that important? Because frankly, I’ve been skewered with the under wire before and that fucking hurts like a bitch. I had that happen at work. One minute, I was fine..the next I was being murdered by my own underwear.

I went to the bathroom and pulled the under wire out, readjusted and stepped in front of the mirror.

HAHAHAHA…THAT is a good look. lopsided 50 year old boobies. I had half a cleavage. If it weren’t for the little shred of dignity I still have then I would have left it that way because it was pretty funny.

Not funny enough to leave it that way. I went back in the stall and gnawed at the other side like a gerbil on a piece of newspaper until I could get the other wire out.

All in all, I don’t think I’ve ever had a bra that was comfortable, sports bras being the exception. I’m just not ready to go for the uni-boob look every day.

Question number four: Any suggestions on a good comfortable bra that doesn’t come with a price tag over $100?

I’ll leave you with this thought: No cleavage is always better than half a cleavage.