The following claim is 100% accurate. I know this for sure because I fact checked by making up the claim just now.
This is the first time you’ve been able to click on an article that has a title like ‘The secret about losing belly fat that experts don’t want you to know’ or ‘One little unknown move that will give you 6 pack abs by Tuesday’ and then actually get to read something.
Seriously, I’m not going to charge you anything and I don’t have a video for you to watch.
C’mon. Don’t fucking act like I’m the only one who click on the ‘secrets’ articles. I am, however, proud to say that I’ve never watched the 27 minute video or paid anything to see the secret’s secrets.
Why do I click on those headlines? Why? I mean, I get the whole ‘click bait’ thing. I like to believe that I’m savvy enough to not get fooled by the most clever of click bait titles. That is true, unless it’s a weird secret.
I want to know all the weird secrets.
Here’s the thing, I’m not a dumbass. I am perfectly aware of the commitment that getting into shape takes. Again.
That doesn’t mean, however, when I see a headline that says ‘Weird trick to make half your ass shrink in 19 minutes’ that I’m not gonna click. Because I definitely have 19 minutes to spare. I think I could endure a host of agonies if the end result is my ass losing half it’s mass.
Unless I lose a specific half. I would rather have my whole voluptuous, bubble ass than just a left ass cheek.
I’ve written, a few times, how I don’t have time to wait anymore. That if I want something specific in this life, then I have to stop seeing my dreams in the hazy future and actually do something about them.
This is also true for getting into shape. I can’t wait anymore.
Recently, someone in my house had a troubling ailment which necessitated a trip to the drug store. As I cruised the aisles I realized that what I was looking for was in the ‘old fuck’ aisle. I had this sickening realization that I was actually looking at my future and that future isn’t that far away.
I had an urge to pick up the closest box and ask the pharmacist a million questions.
Excuse me. Excuse me young man, but how does this box open?
Also, is there packaging inside? Is it difficult to open? Will my sewing scissors help?
Do you have a coupon for this? Can I use my Golden Buckeye card?
I can joke about all I want, but I really do have to take my health more seriously. This is why I’m eating apple and edamame power salad with avocado lime dressing for lunch, instead of my usual cheeseburger or frozen Salisbury steak dinner.
Oh! And I made up three weird ways to lose knee fat!
1. Taunt your knee fat. Everything has a breaking point. If you taunt your knee fat often and cruelly, it will eventually get pissed and leave.
2. Assess your gardening tools. Do you have to use your weed whacker exclusively for whacking weeds? I bet a weed whacker would do a number on your knee fat. Short season is upon us, so the drawback to this method is the shredded skin hanging from your legs won’t go with all your shorts.
3, Frame your knee fat. Not in a picture frame. That is just silly. I mean, frame your knee fat for a crime. Check your local news for crimes around your area and then call the crime stoppers number and tip them that your knee fat is the culprit. Then all you have to do is sit back and wait for the law to come and haul it away.
There aren’t any tricks or secrets or shortcuts. I know what I have to do. This is why my lunch habits are changing and why I’m going to have to start going outside and sweating every night.
I can’t be the only one who had an epiphany in the ‘old fuck’ aisle. Right?
I bought the awesome book What You Can, When You Can that Carla Birnberg co-authored with Roni Noone. I’m spending a few minutes in the morning reading a few pages and I’m going from feeling overwhelmed to getting little stirrings of excitement.
I’m going to feel better soon.
I fucking mean it this time.
Probably.
Thank god I’m not the only person with knee fat. I noticed mine is a full-length mirror in a restaurant restroom on my first day wearing shorts this summer. I blame the restaurant- for the fattening food that skipped my hips and went straight to my knees…and for having a full-length mirror in the restroom. I mean, seriously, how many meltdowns to you hope to cause in a day????
Right? That reminds me of the time I went to the doctor because I was not dealing with my depression very well and after I told him why I was there, he looked at the chart and said….well, technically, you are obese.
Really, motherfucker? Did you hear ANYTHING I just said? Because you pretty much said the worst possible thing.
I’m going with longer shorts.
See? I NEED your practicality. Oh wait. You meant to cover the knee fat..not the shredded weed whacker flesh.
I guess that does make sense, but as far as secrets go, it’s not weird or bizarre.
I’ve been hiding my knees from when they were still firm and young with all the thigh skin above where it belonged because I’m so damn knock-kneed. Every weekend while I’m out in the yard doing gardening, I look at my poor lonely bicycle. It’s coming out of the shed soon, it really is.
PS Watch out for that edamame – every time I’ve tried it I wound up doubled over with gas cramps.
O M G. I am SO GLAD you told me that. I have had HORRIBLE heartburn this week…and I couldn’t imagine why. Maybe it is the edamame.
Best frigging book review ever!
Hahaha…thank you!
My knees are okay…it’s the elbows that I don’t want to think about. I don’t, until a picture is taken of me from behind, and invariably posted on Facebook. There, everyone I know can see the “elbow cleavage”that results from my largish but sagging triceps giving my elbows a hug. My triceps are snuggly like that; they want to spoon my elbows. They love each other, but I don’t love them. I’ve tried tricep pushups, regular pushups, and dips for days. They have zero effect. I’ve realized that no amount of Garcinia Cambogia is going to fight gravity. Even if, apparently, it’s the “secret trick” of every celebrity I’ve ever heard of, and a few I haven’t. I’m going to give elbow shaming a shot. It may not be effective, but bitching those two assholes out might make me feel better.
Oh man…I wish I knew the elbow secrets, I would totally share them…Maybe make some hats for them or something?
What’s a little knee fat among friends? I almost spit coffee on the monitor about framing your knees. If it’s not knee fat, it’s belly fat (big belly fat), fat thighs, fat chin, fat ankles. Let’s frame them all and eat cheeseburgers. Or better yet, drink wine. My sister and I always feel a lot better about our bodies after we have a glass or two.
Yeah, my knees are definitely NOT my problem. It’s those other areas. I am learning to accept me as me though. I still want to feel better..but I am tired of rejecting myself.
Thank you for writing this – it’s just what I needed to perk up my day. And maybe this is a secret issue that most folks would keep secret, but my “aha – I’m getting older” moment has been the fact that I’ve got to start using liners (I just can’t bring myself to visit the store and buy “official” tinkle pads). Sninkling has begun…the “secret” to helping to curb that is Kegels. I’ve had 7 kids – 30,000 Kegels a day is NOT going to undo that!
I only had two kids so that hasn’t been an issue for me. Yet. I don’t do kegels, though. I probably should.
I started back to working out yesterday. I could no longer see my belly button when I sat down and that was apparently my last straw.
We GOT this! I am with you.
My knees totally plumped up and I freaked out! So what did I do? Listened to my Mr. Perfect fitness obsessed husband and started taking something for my joints that I can never pronounce (Glucosamine Chondroitin) and it really did take away the puffiness from around my knees so I can see the bones again! Now if I can only find something magical for my new bat wings! Hahaha! Loved the book review. So funny.
Ohhh…good to know! I don’t really have too much issue with my knees. But my ass? Damn..that is one puffy ass.
All power to you.
You are a champion.
I couldn’t be arsed doing anything about the fact that I’ve grown 3 dress sizes in the Time between the ages of 50 and 57
Oh I hope I don’t. I’m as big as I ever want to be. I really just don’t want to feel like shit or groan every goddamn time I stand up.
Ha! Now that I’ve wiped the tears from my eyes, i should tell you i just figured out why practical jokes work so well on me. Even though i read your blog within an hout of receiving each e-mail notice of its arrival, today, after reading the title, i clicked instantaneously. In the few seconds it took to load, i actually thought to myself, “holy crap!! To think!! I actually went to high school with the genius that discovered the 3 easy ways to abolish knee fat! I can’t wait to show off.my non-fat knees while telling all my friends that i knew you when!!” Then it occurred to me while rimmaging through the garage full of untouched lawn equipment that i should ask you to please post 3 easy ways to rid yourself of spider veins.
Hahaha!
Okay.
1. Play connect the lines with your spider veins and turn them into tribal tattoos.
2. Soak your legs in peroxide.
3. Promise your spider veins an exotic vacation if they go into hiding for a few years.
I actually know someone who had the fat lipo-ed off their knees.
I want to get back into shape. I stopped working out but I plan to start again.
Maybe tomorrow.
Yeah..that’s what I’m thinking. Tomorrow.
Oh, I dread the day I have to start entering THAT aisle. My whole life I’ve been “the young one”. Was a December baby that somehow made the cutoff for the older school year. Went straight from college to graduate school and was the youngest in my class. Was always the young one at work. Had a kid in my mid-twenties (in this day and age) and was the youngest mom in Montessori for a good while.
Now at 46 those days are suddenly gone. I’m interacting with programmers, project managers, clients who are half my age. It’s throwing me off my game.
Maybe if I enter assisted living at 55 I can feel like a spring chicken again?
Hahhaha…that IS an option. 🙂
Yes that reminds me note to self !!!!!!!!
I mustn’t click those secret ads or fucking KILL myself trying to get fit and heathy
Thanks so much x
I am here to help. Or something like that.
I’ve always had knee fat. I had it when I was a size 4, I have it now that I’m a size not-4. I know all the young ladies want to have a thigh gap, but just once in my life, I’d like to have a knee gap. What gauge trimming line do you recommend in the weed whacker for this job?
I’m thinking the ‘barbed wire’ gauge would do the trick.
Ugh. I hear you. I just turned 53 and have definitely gotten that “it’s now or never” feeling. Aging happens so quickly at this stage of life–I swear I have wrinkles in my neck that weren’t there last week. Thanks for the introduction to wycwyc!
Well..I am glad to not be alone. WYCWYC IS THE SHIT!!!! And Carla is amazing. Truly a wonderful person who has been inspiring me for years now.
I don’t believe you click on the “weird tricks” and “secret secrets” clickbait because you want an easy fix. Oh, I believe you want an easy fix. We all do. I want to be able to feel comfortable wearing a short-sleeve shirt in public without putting in the time lifting weights. I think you click the clickbait because you think there’s some hilarious shit there, even if it’s not meant to be hilarious and only is because it makes you wonder who’s fucking gullible enough to believe it. And if you click those ads then I salute you because I never will.
Unless I’m using somebody else’s computer. Because I’m pretty sure those ads will fuck up your computer in some way, and the only easy fix for that is to pick up a 30-lb barbell and drop it on my laptop.
30 lbs barbells can fix a LOT of things.
You let me know how that works out for ya… cause I can use all the motivation you can send my way!
I will send you my spare. It won’t be much, though. I’m running at a deficit right now.
My epiphany in the old fucks aisle was when I was buying new rubber tips for my quad-cane, again. So whether or not you lose your dreaded knee-fat, do pay attention to your blood pressure…
oh, we pay attention to that…we’ve been that for years now.
Darling, you’re fucking BARKING!
*slightly awed*
That diagnosis has NEVER been made official…haha
You made me laugh…and I kinda like my knee fat!
YAY! Well…then I would definitely NOT take my advice on the knee fat thing. Just in case they work.
Obviously, there are no gardeners reading this post. I’ve been gardening since 1977 and I have to tell you that the only reason why I have operative knees anymore is due to my knee fat. I monitor my knee fat production closely, eating a diet closely calibrated for maximum knee fat quality and quantity. I make sure I include at least three foods guaranteed to cause knee fat in my daily diet. Unfortunately, those seem to be the same three foods that are guaranteed to increase your belly fat, which is why I seem to look perpetually preggo nowadays
This is the best comment ever. I adore you.
I’m only 32 and already child-proof packaging has become practically me-proof.
I have a stockpile of ICY HOT patches in the bathroom cupboard that I guard with my life.
God help me if I ever manage to reach old age.
But at least I don’t need to take a weed whacker to my knees just yet.
You will make it, I know you will!!
HA..you’re the same age as our oldest kid. Holy shit I’m old.
Love the click-link thing! I have to admit that I recently actually read one of those stupid webpages, and I got so excited that I actually spent $9.99 on a back pain book to FIX YOUR LIFELONG BACK PAIN IN 7 DAYS. And then I spent more than 19 minutes, assigning the ensuing firestorm of emails to my spam box. DON’T FORGET TO ALSO BUY ALL THE OTHER BACK THINGS THAT SHOULD GO WITH THAT BOOK. ARTHRITIS BOOKS! BACK PAIN DVDs! DID WE MENTION THE BOOK DOESN’T COVER HOW TO ACTUALLY FIX ANYTHING? BECAUSE YOU NEED MORE THINGS!! CLICK HERE!!! OMG DID YOU JUST ACTUALLY *NOT* CLICK RIGHT THERE!? IT’S NOT TOO LATE! CLICK HERE NOW! NOW!!! WAIT– THERE’S MORE!!!
*hits button*
P.S.–My favorite way to treat excess body fat is to diagnose it as something other than a lack of exercise and too many bagels and cream cheese. Like right now, I’m going with the self-diagnosis of hypothyroidism…
It’s not really working, in the sense that my excess weight is still there, unchanging as the stars, but it keeps me out of the gym.
😀
I ADORE you. hahahaha. This is awesome. I actually have hypothyroidism as an excuse as I don’t have a thyroid. I had it removed because of a malignant tumor when I was 23 years old. I have struggled with weight ever since. I mean…mostly because I eat to much and don’t work out enough, but still..I still have that awesome excuse. haha.
Oh crap—I have knee fat, too. I’m definitely going to frame it—but only if some hot policemen come over to investigate me.
Hahaha…that is awesome!
I had that epiphany when I moved in to a “active adult” retirement community here in Arizona to take care of my dad. The thing with active adult retirement communities in Arizona is that any retired active adults remotely capable of still doing so leave town during the summer, or as year rounders call it, “Hell.” The community I was in gets much older in the summer. I moved there in July (stupid thing to do, trust me) and it was like “Scared Straight” for the sedentary middle aged. My second day there, I hit the pool to swim laps for the first time in many years and, still in my bathing and with wet hair, bought a membership at the yoga studio across the street. I did okay for a while then sort of got over it. Not enough time in the old fuck aisle I guess. Thanks for reminding me to get moving again.
I’ve been on Weight Watchers since the end of January – and still weigh the same as I did the middle of February. I lose a few and gain a few – over and over. I gained five pounds back just going to BlogU and drinking like a former Mormon girl who had just discovered the socially lubricating benefits of alcohol – which wasn’t hard, because I AM a former Mormon girl who just discovered the socially lubricating benefits of alcohol
hahahha!
Yeah..I really have to start working out..I mean, if for no other reason, to not feel like shit all the time
Well, this post made me howl. Then cry. Then laugh again. My knees are indeed ridiculously huge, but they’re in proportion with the rest of my legs.
I am beyond cankle territory. I have “thankles” (thigh, knee, calf, ankle). Now I’m crying again;)
Thank you so much! I’m glad you liked it. 🙂