Our adult son who lives with us is out for the evening. I love that Joey lives with us, but it’s not horrible when he’s out. We live in a small house.
Anyway, Randy and I hunkered down for the evening.
I started to walk out of the bedroom when Randy started hitting my side of the bed.
Me: What? You freaking gorilla.
Randy: Where are you going?
Me: I have to make my lunch. And I have to take a stupid shower. I have to see the gyno tomorrow. 
Randy: That’s going to take forever.
Me: Probably. I mean, I have to groom.
Randy: For the doctor? Once a year. For the doctor?
Me: And I missed last year, so…I’ll be a few minutes.
Me: And I don’t know what you’re complaining about. Grooming is grooming. It’s not like it’s all going to grow back after my appointment.
Me: Oh, and there is a speculum involved, so whether Joey is home tomorrow night or not, don’t be batting your gorilla eyes at me.
Randy: Just hurry up.
Me: Turn on the TV.
Randy: I love you, TV. I love you so much.
Me: Oh for fuck’s sake, in no scenario would that turn anything on.
Randy: Yes, it would.
Me: No. No, you have never professed love for the TV before. If some person, out of the blue, professed their love for me, my reaction would not be to drop an egg. I’d run away. Or blow a whistle or something. If I had a whistle.
Randy: You don’t have a fucking whistle.
Randy turned the tv on. With the remote.
Randy: See? It worked.
Me: That was so dumb. My god that was dumb. That was so dumb that I want to write a song about it. I want the song to become a Broadway musical and then win a Tony. And then it becomes this irritating earworm that tortures humans for eternity. That’s how dumb that was.
Randy:…
Randy: You’re overstating a little.
Me: Fair.
Me: I’m calling the song “My husband is a fucking gorilla.”
And that, my friends, is true love. At least, it is in my house.
Edited to add: I originally left the “speculum” part out. I thought maybe it was a tiny bit too far. I told Randy and he said it was fine and to put it in.
Randy: I mean, if you’re talking about having sex with a gorilla, the speculum thing isn’t so bad. Besides, the grooming part was worse.
Me: Not to quibble, but I was talking about not having sex with a gorilla.
Randy: Worried about your political career?
Me: You make a good point.
Photo courtesy of blende12.
Hahaha! You two are so made for each other. Hahaha!
We really are.
I always shave my legs before seeing the gyno. Just my ritual and maybe to feel in control. And yes, most men can be very gorilla-like!
Yes, I had to break out the de-yeti process.
I love reading your blog. No matter what kind of crap I’m going through, you make me at least, snicker, if not an outright chortle.
Okay, that means everything to me. xo
This all makes me so happy but at the same time I so badly want to hear the song “My husband is a fucking gorilla” just because I know it would be fantastic.
So far, it’s just me singing “that’s so duuuuuuuumb” in a monotone. I think it has potential
My friend Rob once found a speculum. He turned it upside down and started making quacking noises.
Randy is just fine.
I mean, they do work as a duck beak. And yes, Randy is always fine.
I also live with 2 grown sons. We get precious few hours on our own. I also had to go to the girly doctor yesterday (kinda… it was a pelvic ultrasound)
My gorilla wasn’t happy either.
🙂
Gorillas are so touchy