I would have sworn I had at least two more years before I needed to have my driver’s license renewed.
My doctor’s office informed me otherwise.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago because I was in sinus infection and bronchitis hell. It was the first time I was in the office this year and I had to refill out a bunch of paperwork. Which is super annoying because it is 2017 and couldn’t they retain these forms digitally and I could give a new electronic signature each year?
If you work for a doctor’s office and have a perfectly reasonable explanation regarding this, I don’t want to hear it. I prefer to be annoyed by this once a year. It serves a purpose. I get annoyed by filling out the paperwork, then I think about doctor visits, and remember to schedule my mammogram.
But I digress.
When I went to the doctor, the front desk person said I needed to show my new license.
Me: I don’t have a new license.
Front desk: Your license is expired.
Me: No it isn’t.
Front desk:…
Me: Oh. Hey. My license is expired.
I know I have six months before I would have to retake the test, but I know how quickly six months can pass. No one needs that kind of headache. So, being the responsible adult I am, I took my expired driver’s license to the BMV and got a new one less than 2 months after the old one expired.
I think I’m nearly ready to start giving “how to adult” classes.
I took a number. 25. They called for number 7.
This is going to be a while.
Did any people with numbers lower than mine have normal transactions to make? No. No they did not. Every person I saw go to the counter had some complicated issue which required massive 
research and a goat sacrifice.
Still, a long lunch in the BMV is better than a cubicle.
It came time to take the picture. Something I will not have to suffer through again until I’m 58.
Holy shit, I have no idea how I got this old. It’s fucking weird.
Picture lady: Just look at the dot and smile.
Picture lady: Oookay. That one isn’t going to work. You closed your eyes.
Picture lady: Just look at the dot. Go ahead and smile.
Picture lady: Yeah, that one isn’t going to work, either.
Me: Did I close my eyes again?
Picture lady: Uh, No. That’s not the problem. Maybe, you should try not smiling.
We got an acceptable image on the third try.
I got back to work and told the network dude about the picture fiasco.
Network dude: Can I see your license?
Me: Sure.
Network dude: You look like you’re about to tell someone to fuck off.
I came home from work and told Randy the whole story. The long line, the picture fails, how my picture looks like I’m super annoyed.
Randy: Let me see it.
Randy: I like this picture. I think it’s pretty.
Me: Don’t you think I look super annoyed?
Randy: I don’t know. I think you look the way you usually look.
Me:…
Me:…
Me: I’m not always with you.
Randy:…
So consider this a PSA from me to you. Check your license, more time has probably passed than you think. Also, just give up on looking good for your photo. It will never happen. It can, however, be a handy reminder of what your resting bitch face looks like.
Dude loves to cause trouble or embarrass us.
This is hilarious! I never take a decent photo anywhere – let alone the DMV. Once when I was there, I saw a little sign posted to ward off any complaints. It read, “If you want a better picture, bring a better face.” Boom.
I wish I could bring a different face. That would be so convenient.
Last time I went in I got the nice picture taking lady to give me a few attempts at looking better than a bag lady after an MD 20/20 bender. Success was mine (finally) – I achieved resting bitch face which was a definite improvement.
HAHAHA A MD 20/20 bender. Do people even drink that anymore. I had that vomited down my back at an Eagle’s concert once.
I hate having my picture taken too- on fakebook I have pics of my kids and hubby as my profile!!!
Hub says the same things to me as the lady said to you. “Just smile. You look so pretty when you just smile.”
Mmmm.
So….. I end up never posting any pics online.
Passport photo looks like a criminal but I guess everyone’s does!!!!!
And yeah if you run classes for how to be an adult, count me in!!!!
I can teach the class, but I don’t know if it will do you much good. I mean, maybe..who knows?
I just realized that mine expires this month. Picture taking is a special hell for the tall: they tell you to look straight ahead, then tell you to look into the camera, which is about sternum-level. “Don’t tip your head down, just look into the camera.” And this is why every single picture I’ve ever had on a license looks stoned and has an extra chin.
Hahahaha..that is awesome. I just look pissed.
Oh… the nice dentist lady told you your license was expired?
The nice policeman told me mine was expired. 8 fucking months ago…
Damn right I remembered right before I handed it to him.
Damn right I told him I was 50.
Damn right the speeding wasn’t an issue anymore.
Damn right I know the judge. (She used to be my lawyer 😉 )
Damn.
Right.
AND!
Then. When I looked at the camera person and said, “I heard we weren’t supposed to smile?”
Snap.
I’m smiling AND rolling my eyes…
And she said it was fine.
I have to lose this one… I never saw my manly Adam’s apple in quite that good of a position…
HAHAHAHAHAHA. Holy shit I love you.
I understand that there’s a possibility I can re-new my license on-line (please, please, please), so I’m going to try that first. The list of “proof of Identification” they want in Florida is just past asinine.
What is “adult” hot sauce? All I could see of the pictures were 2 of the 3 Stooges. Please don’t tell me that the 3 Stooges are considered “adult”!
No, 3 stooges not adult. Adult would be things like camel toe hot sauce, mean green motherfucker, dickhead hot sauce, anal angst., etc.
OMG! What kind of a store were you in? I’m pretty sure those aren’t sold in ordinary grocery stores! Are they any hotter or weirder than regular hot sauce? You’ll notice I’m asking you about this as if you know from experience….
We were at Jungle Jim’s which is the crazy ass grocery we go to every weekend
Oh man…we don’t have the online thing. We can get our tags online, but not the license.
Oh, that reminds me! My ID card needs to be renewed coming up real quick, too. Thanks for the reminder.
And by the way, I look super annoyed in my ID photo, too. I think it’s just the affect being at the DMV has on people.
It’s not a pleasant place. And YAY on the reminder!
You are allowed to smile on your DL photos? Not so here in Canada.
My pictures always look like a mug shot, and ya, older…way older than I really look.
Yes, smiling is encouraged. Unless you are me.
I think I’m good ’till 2019, but now I’m gonna check…
Here is a Carol Burnett video where she tells a story about Tim Conway and a driver’s license picture:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAdkehLBApk
HAHAAHAH..Awesome. Funny, my coworker and I were just talking about Carol Burnett and Tim Conway on Friday.
When I got my license, which I just realized was ten years ago–late bloomer, but that’s another story–there was a guy at the DMV who was a dead ringer for Sam Elliott. As he was leaving he turned around and looked at the entire room and said, “See y’all in five years.” It was hilarious and I hoped I really would see him again.
But the last time I had to renew my license I just went down to the nearest police station, which was empty because it was Saturday, and stood in front of a machine like an ATM. It automatically took my picture, showed me a preview, and told me I could take it again if I didn’t like it.
Not having to wait in line or even deal with people was nice but a small part of me wishes I’d have the chance to meet Sam Elliott again.
Everyone needs a Sam Elliot once in a while. His voice is just goddamn soothing
You manage to hit all the hot spots of middle-aged angst, Michelle. I salute you and thank you for making it funny and relatable.
I let my license expire for almost a year. Yea, I’m a rebel, a badass, a lawbreaker. Ha. And yet, in my pic, I look like a pleasant middle-aged grandma who’s starting to get a bit jowly, who likely crochets and goes to bed at 9 pm. Who the fuck is THAT??
I had a passport photo once, thankfully long expired, that was so awful I looked like Hatchetface from Crybaby. I paid a photography studio $20 and got precisely ONE PHOTO, and she took it while I was talking AND rolling my eyes. What a bitch that woman was, and how stupid of me not to insist on another pic. I traveled for years and people had to look at it twice, three times to believe it was really me. The sad thing is that I have no excuse for an unflattering pic these days other than getting older and fatter.
I don’t even have an excuse. Anytime someone points a camera at me, I feel so awkward I end up making stupid faces while my brain is saying “JUST LOOK NORMAL!”
I got pulled over for speeding on my birthday twice. Back to back. Same butt fuck nowhere town going opposite directions. The police officer wished me a happy birthday the second go around.
Said I didn’t look too happy in DL photo. Me. If I have to show it how happy am I going to be? Him. Good point. You look like your picture.
He did laugh though and let me off lightly on the somewhat vastly over the speed limit I was travelling.
My last DL picture is much better. I haven’t driven in six years. Yeah. Life is like that.
Haha. Randy got pulled over two new year’s day in consecutive years by the same cop.
Lol. Yeah. The days or nights that a DD meant drunk driver are over.
Thankfully I live downtown and have chosen to in the last three cities I’ve lived in.
Cabs are easy to find if you can’t stumble your way home.
Hmmm. Cops have it out for Randy? Or you have some cool car that the cops want to check out?
For me? I decided red was a bad colour. Even if it was a VW Jetta.
I don’t think they have it out for him…he was just speeding. Haha
Whew! 2019 renewal for me but you made me look at hubby’s and he’s due next month…
Yay! I am glad your checked.
“You look like you’re about to tell someone to fuck off.” <– This has been every photo ID for me in the past decade and a half, with the exception of one or two where I transcend RBF and look like I'm actively contemplating bombing the facility where the photo is being taken.
Hahah…we’re license buddies!
Once again, laugh-out-loud funny!! (therefore, I appear to be insane.) I’m in the salon waiting to pick up my 16-year-old daughter, whose hair will cost me more in one day then I spend in a whole year! Made me check my license, tho. Phew! I’m good for two more years. Thanks for the entertaining reminder!
Haha! Thank you! I am glad you are legal!
I was going to sign up for your “how to adult” class but Tina says it would be a waste of your time and my money.
She also says whenever I give my resting bitch face you can almost smell the freshly-turned cemetery earth.
So… I think I’m good.
😉
I’d say you do. Freshly turned cemetery earth. That. Is. Awesome.
So I sent my sister (a retired lieutenant cop/fire person from California) a link to this.
This is what she wrote:
“Ohmy gawd that was hysterical! I’m sitting outside some stranger’s house in my car waiting for the girl I’m gonna babysit to get out of girl scouts looking at my phone laughing! I’m sure the cops will be knocking on my car window soon. haaaa!”
Just thought I’d try and put a smile on your face. xo
OMG thank you SO MUCH. It DID put a smile on my face and I needed that smile.