So excited to have my very first guest post and it is written by my husband! I hope you guys find him as funny as I do. But not funnier than me. You can find him 96.4% funny as me, okay?
Also, he promises prizes. Apparently, I am involved in this somehow, but really, don’t get your hopes up. We’re tightwads.
And let’s make it 93%. Here’s Randy:
When spring begins, I re-start walking for exercise because drinking for exercise doesn’t work.
You can free your mind on a solitary, early morning walks. Often, my disengaged mind plays word games. Lyric couplets spill out which I key in on the cell. This habit has led to a couple near miss walking collisions. A few more times, I’ve ran into low hanging tree or bush branches.
This month there’ve been no lyrics, but there are definite things you’ll see that most walking articles don’t tell you:
- Walk early enough to see the moon set and the sun rise.
- Leave your kids at home. Seriously. Taking kids on a walk is like sitting through the college level class in Excuse Making 101. Your kids will need to poop, do homework (even though they’re on summer break), ask to visit an emergency room, or develop a serious case verbal diarrhea. Don’t invite your kids to walk with you again until they’re adults…with their own kids. Prepare to laugh off your ass.
- Pace yourself. You’ll never outrun the rabbit or outlast the turtle.
- Speaking of rabbits, if you encounter a rabbit with nasty, big pointy teeth, then RUN AWAY!
- Leave the horse mask at home. You’re not a thoroughbred. Horse masks are so 2013. Instead, wear a donkey mask. After all, if you have kids, a boss, or carry anxiety/guilt, you’re a beast of burden. Earn bonus points for top notch braying.
- Avoid flapping your arms. No matter how hard you flap, you’ll never lift off. It’s a gravity thing.
- Don’t attempt thumbing a ride from a passing cyclist. Cyclists have been cranky ever since Mickey and Mallory Knox immortalized bronze medalist bicyclist Brian Smith.
- Pick less busy walking routes. Otherwise, you’ll be accosted by canines or mini Kneivels on bicycles. Also, you’ll suffer through packs of yakety yacking soccer moms or braggart “I coulda been a contender” dads.
- If you’re walking with a significant other or friend, under any circumstance, DO NOT SKIP. Unless, of course, you hold hands and skip together.
- To avoid confusion, don’t walk backwards. You won’t know if you’re coming or going.
- Avoid rabid runners. Rabid runners sneer and eye roll as they evaluate your attire and footwear. Face it. Oxfords, ballet flats, or flip flops paired with gray sweats and a “let’s get high” T-shirt will never be as cool as a rabid runner’s attire. Another thing about RR’s. They’ll sneak up behind you, bark their position relative to yours, and cause you to veer in front of them. Hilarity (or foul language) ensues.
- Catalogue things you see lying on the ground. Just yesterday, I added a pile of pringles and a stogie (or rotten banana, I didn’t have a lighter to test) to my list. Change your walking routes and you’ll have daily blog posts about the weird shit people throw on the ground.
- No panhandling for sports drinks, sips from water bottles, or change for the ice cream man.
- TURD ALERT – there never seems to be a shortage of fecal matter on walking tracks and sidewalks. The animal world understands the
“don’t shit where you eat rule”. Have you ever seen a goose eating asphalt? Nope, and that’s why they shit on it. Pay attention. You don’t want to step on poo bombs. You don’t want to slip and fall. Breath in, breathe out, what the fuck is that smell?
- Carry your bourbon flask. Prepare for a party to break out. Share a couple sweaty swigs with a red faced grandpa. You might be thinking “emptying a bourbon flask on your morning walk kind of defeats the purpose of exercise, doesn’t it?” Maybe, but look at great athletes like Mickey Mantle, John Daly, Babe Ruth, Ken Stabler, Billy Martin, and…oh, never mind.
- Puddle splashing, jumping in ponds, and singing in the rain are A- okay. Have fun.
- Be nice. Say “good morning”. Don’t judge people or be a dick. Think how much better life would be if were all a little more supportive of our efforts.
What have you noticed on your walks?
Never been a big fan of walking. Unless it’s from my car to inside the liquor store. BIG fan of that.
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Anyway, my pastor when I lived in Montana and his wife were all about the walkies. They always took trash bags with them and picked up trash wherever they walked.
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Damn overachievers are everywhere.
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Stay out of the poo. That shit stinks.
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Hahha..I should suggest that to Randy…and then try to guess what his response will be.
Walking?…fuck that noise, I’ve got car payments, I’m driving!…
haha..well..that would defeat the exercise purpose..but sure..you will get there faster.
I’ve noticed, Friends, Greys Anatomy, Frasier-you name it. We’ve got one of those middle of the road Nordic Track treadmills in the living room, surprisingly not being used as a clothes rack. It fits in surprisingly well in here.
I used to cycle the purpose made asphalt on an old train trestle then it got crowded so I hung up my bike and became the chair potato I am today. Teresa (wife) uses the treadmill more than I do. Great for a bad back.
You were 93% as funny as Michelle.
hahah..thank you for the 93%.
We have a Nordic Track treadmill as well and that is what I usually use, but Randy prefers the great outdoors. I do walk with him sometimes..but I like to watch TV while I walk to pass the time. And, less bugs.
This is pretty damn cool… almost enough to make me go take a walk.
This is pretty damn cool… almost enough to make me go take a walk.
but not quite…
I’ve noticed snakes, ticks, deer, rabbits, and other wildlife. Lots of dirt and trees and occasionally a neat looking rock, which I will pick up and take home because I’m weird about rocks.
Okay, I’m a big fat liar and I just want to win something. Those are things I would notice if I went outside, but I’m terrified to get bit by the anti-meat tick again, so I just stay in the house and walk laps through the legos.
Dude…that meat allergy thing would be enough to keep me indoors as well…that sucks so hard.
I only go for walks when my husband is out of town and I can’t get a child to walk the dog. The thought that most often occurs to me is that whatever the hell it is dogs are “saying” with the pee they use to mark is really lengthy and complicated, or my dog is super slow and stupid (a distinct possibility), because he spends a LOT longer than I really feel he should sniffing various bushes and shit before peeing on them himself. Just pee on the goddamned thing and have it over with so we can get home. I have to go to work, you jerk dog.
Hahahah…it probably is a lengthy and complicated process..I know it is for me. But only when I’m drinking. And I don’t have to sniff anything.
I’ve come across frogs, weird bugs, a really large femur (I will just assume it belonged to a deer; or a moose) and a really old Mason’s headstone/monument in Drewsclift Cemetery down the road from our house (which is a registered historical site).
It was probably Jimmy Hoffa
He’s definitely funny Michelle – but not as funny as you (well he is really but I didn’t want to say that in case you stop blogging and I love your blog so OK, you’re funnier than him !!)
I’m more likely to walk when the sun is setting and the moon is rising – when it’s the other way around, I’m sleeping or battling to get out of bed i.e. I’m so not a morning person !!! (Ask my husband – he’ll tell you just how un-morning I am !)
Have the best day and Randy, please come back and post again – soon !
Me xox
You and I are sisters, then. I work out in the evening as well. Randy is definitely a morning person. Which is NEVER annoying.
HAHAHAHA.
What? Drinking for exercise doesn’t work? Ha ha ha, I knew I was doing something wrong! Seriously though, I do walk for exercise, mainly as I have no choice not being a driver. There is a large park close by and it makes a nice change to do a detour to the shops via somewhere green and pleasant. What do I see on these little jaunts? Mainly red faced middle aged men who look like they are jogging their way to a heart attack and not looking like they’re having much fun, one or two cyclists, the odd dog walker and the occasional grandmother pushing a pram or a buggie. There are many squirrels too, which I know Randy would love, not! The path is kept pretty clean so there’s not much on the ground except the odd sweet/candy wrapper. No-one acknowledges me as I’m at the age where women become invisible, unless you have a dog! 🙂
Well…I think you are fabulous…as I would because we’re nearly the same age. You have a little catching up to do. 🙂
I used to walk 3 miles every night after dinner with a friend, or a sister, or with my mom and a sister. I was addicted to those walks and, when it rained and we couldn’t walk, I felt like a caged animal. When walking partners moved I walked alone and discovered our city has its fair share of weirdos and perverts. While I did meet some nice people whose routes overlapped or intersected mine, I also came across pervs asking for blow jobs and other sexual favors. I must say, though, I’ve never come across anyone wearing a mask – horse or donkey. Ever. That would be hilarious.
We have a neighbor who walks backwards down the middle of the road. Every frikken day. Why? I wish I knew. It drives me nuts when I see her go by-backwards in the street.
Hope to hear more from the mind of Randy. I can’t rate him percentage wise, so I’ll give him two flappy arms up.
HAHAHAH….I will let him know he just got two flappy arms up. That will make him laugh.
I have been walking down this rural road of mine almost every day for the past three years. I grew up in the suburbs, so this country life is still fascinating to me. One day I saw a snapping turtle actually laying eggs in a hole on the side of the road. I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw her (I figured it must be a “her”), then saw that egg roll out, heard it clink with the other ones in the hole…pretty weird. Being a mother myself, I didn’t want to disturb her, plus I was scared of her, so I tiptoed to the other side of the road and sneaked away. Once there was a baby skunk who would peek out of the tall grass for like three days in a row, surprising me but not spraying me, thankfully. There are corn fields and cows and woods and pastures on my road. There are two swamps, and a few houses, very few cars pass, and very few neighbors are out. I love it. But I HAVE watched Criminal Minds, so I always look for strangers in the woods, and carry my phone with me…:) And…Michelle is 10% funnier, but Randy is a good sport. (I learned not to bring kids with me, too. Except for my Asperger’s son Sam, but he is in the Army now and that’s a whole ‘nother story….)
Della
Your walk sounds lovely. I”m in the suburbs now and I don’t like it here. I grew up in the city..I like the city..but I like the country as well. The suburbs are too sterile.
Anyone who throws in a Monty Python reference is good people in my book! This was HYSTERICAL!! (but not funnier than you, Michelle!) I also *love* the last one. The world really would be a better place if we’d stop judging and be a bit more supportive! Great post!! –Lisa
That was my favorite part as well!
I love walking. Especially in a sundress and sandals with my pit bull. You can imagine the dirty and confused looks we get. But I promise we’re both nice and say “Hi!” wherever we go. We totally abide by the “Don’t be a dick” rule.
See? The don’t be a dick rule could fix so many things..
I live in the country… take this times a million more things… and I will be on my tredmill in the bedroom watching by Tudors DVDs
I live in the country… take this times a million more things… and I will be on my treadmill in the bedroom watching by Tudors DVDs
I prefer walking that way as well. Well..not in YOUR bedroom..in my family room and watching Dr Who or Buffy or Supernatural.
Frankly, if I can’t skip, which is better exercise than walking anyway, then I don’t see the point. Think Randy will hold my hand and skip with me??
Hahahha…he might. And if he did and we filmed it, we’d be youtube famous. No doubt about that.
I always cross streets at the same pace that I am walking, which is usually quickly. This is because it seems like every pedestrian I encounter while driving slows to a turtle’s pace when crossing. They also seem to look at me as if to say, “I will control whether you get to where you’re going or not. HAHAHA!!!”
I get this. I do. I think people do that in cars as well.
Let me pull right out in front of you, then drive 20 mph slower than you were! Haha!
Yay for guest posts! Love this one–
I woke up at 5 a.m. today thinking I should start walking again. Or at all. I have a weird knee that doesn’t appreciate me running or walking, so I try to get most of my exercise by gardening like a maniac all summer and riding an exercise bike that is also a great laundry accessory/hanger. Apparently my scale is not getting the message, and somehow gardening calories burned DO NOT COUNT, hence–the waking up thinking about walking.
I may do it. Or I may just sit on the back deck with a Mike’s and a book…
😉
well…maybe you could do both?
If not, i’m voting for the book and the booze. I’m definitely the devil on your shoulder.
I know right? lol
And besides, the fridge with the Mike’s in it is like way far away in the garage. And I had to walk all the way up from the garden to get there. 😉
I got in the habit of walking a lot when I lived in England(this was also the same time time I realized that I would never drive around those crazy bastards).
As a sweataphiliac I always carry an extra shirt in my rucksack.
Whilst walking in Dallas one time a homeless dude grabbed my arm asking for money. I learned that you don’t scream at a homeless person as they will never forget you.
One time on a walk I had to run. This was because the ice cream truck didn’t stop.
Not gonna lie…I’d run for ice cream as well..
I am hovering at 97% as funny – sorry, it must run in the family. Speaking of running I’m just going to take a pass I think. It sounds like you are running through Mad Max’s Thunderdome out there – be careful and look out for turds!
Hahah…I guess I can accept 97% as funny. It chafes a little..but I’ll live. 🙂
I used to walk for exercise but now I just swim. It’s great for weight loss; I lose weight immediately when I get in the water.
holy hell….I think I need to take up swimming.
Swimming is much better than walking, as far as your joints are concerned, but any weight you lose by getting IN the water is immediately regained upon climbing OUT. Not to shit in your pool or anything… jus’ sayin’. Gravity kinda sucks.
And pulls!
He is funny 🙂
I don’t like walking. I’m a (semi) Rabid Runner, but I try to be considerate of others on the sidewalk. Now if only they’d be considerate of me and get out of my way…I mean, I’m running! 😀
HAHHAHA…
Yeah, I always get stressed out when someone runs up behind me…I have a problem with left and right so I end up stepping in front of them.
Crap, I had a great comment but u had to scroll through all these comments then type in 4500 characters to get to this comment box and I’ve forgotten now. Lol. Anyway, I think my best when I’m jogging, which is odd because I hate it.
I had to scroll, not u! Then I had to click a box declaring myself not a spammer! Okay, done whining now.
I’ve been working at jogging off an on for a couple years…I’m slow…and I both love and hate it
How nice to have a husband who shares your sense of humor and not only supports your blogging, but contributes to it! Just this morning both my son and I couldn’t sleep, so he invited me to go on a walk with him at 5am. We talked and it was lovely – until he walked into a low hanging branch and poked his eye (but he didn’t poke it OUT – so that was a win)! Obviously, I should have read this post prior so I could have told him to be on the lookout!
Oh man…that is a shame. Still, it’s nice you walked together…until the eye incident.
It IS nice. He’s very active in my blog. He finds my spelling errors and nags me about key words and stuff that I think is boring. He and his partner are my IT department. They keep me up and going which is awesome. I appreciate it so much.
WOW. I’m uber impressed you got your husby to write a guest post. I’m a bit jelly too. Maybe I should get my husby to write for me? Probably not, he’d overthink it and drive me insane.
I must say, you did a very good job, Mr. Rubber Shoes In Hell. I love walking/hiking, and I’m pretty observant. I’m always shocked to see all the chew, cigs, beer trash around little kids’ playgrounds. Is that a cool hangout? Maybe I did that, too. I wouldn’t remember.
Well, it did take him days to write his posts and I write most of mine in 30 minutes or less. It drives him CRAZY…
“If you would just TAKE YOUR TIME AND EDIT” is something I hear all the time. I get bored quick and have the attention span of a toddler on crack…so 30 minutes or less it is.
A few things:
Randy is 92.8% as funny as you (Monty Python worked in his favor)
I used to mall-walk with a coupla older ladies, and as there were 3 of us, I would walk backwards, & they would direct me away from obstacles. Walking backwards seems to be a better workout; I dunno why.
I try not to be a dick when walking my LA city streets, but I cannot help but cuss out the s***-ologists who have just moved in next door. THEY are littering MY sidewalks with pamphlets that they force on unwitting passersby, who end up just dropping them wherever they are, once they realize what they’ve been given. So as I pass the s***-ologists loitering at the major intersection, I immediately tell them “no, and f*** off!” I’m pretty sure they all want to be “the one” to convert me to their craziness. 😉
Mostly, I just try to not get run over, this trip.
Hahaha…awesome..sucks about your neighbors though. I can accept that Randy is 92.8% as funny as me..