You also have to be a weird friend to get full benefit.
My work friend is such an inconsiderate dick hole. She has a health issue that is keeping her from work for weeks. It’s like my needs aren’t even important anymore.
Hahahah. I’m only kidding. Mostly.
What I really want is for her to never feel bad and never be sick. But don’t tell her I said that, she’ll give me shit for being mushy.
I did manage to save a few of our instant message conversations before she skipped town.
Here is volume 3 in the Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle series (PQOTC):
Me: I’m tired of being motherfucking sick. I am tired of all this motherfucking SNOT in my motherfucking NOSE.
Me: You have to read that like Sam.
PQOTC: I don’t know how to read that like Sam.
Me: Samuel L Jackson, ding dong.
PQOTC: ooooh, sorry. I didn’t know we were calling him Sam. So, instead of snakes on a plane, it’s snot in the nose, then?
———————————————————————————————-
PQOTC: Did you know WebMD will tell you why you have a full stomach?
Me: In your case, is it sperm?
PQOTC: Bahahaha. No. But it can be air.
PQOTC: We should write a book about the ‘air diet’.
PQOTC: No..no more for me. I simply could NOT swallow anymore air.
Me: Or sperm.
———————————————————————————————-
PQOTC: Did you know hiccups can be sign of a very serious health problem? Now I’m going to freak out whenever I get the hiccups. It says here to quickly drink a cup of cold water to cure them.
Me: I usually get rid of them by holding my creath.
Me: Breath. I don’t know what a creath is. AND I DON’T HOLD IT.
Me: I pay other people to hold my creath.
PQOTC: Creath is a verb.
Me: Is it how people say ‘crease’ when they have a lisp? I creathed the page in my book?
PQOTC: Nope. It means to tremble.
———————————————————————————————-
PQOTC: I’m having a hard time even pretending to work.
Me: I gave up on that in September.
———————————————————————————————-
PQOTC: There’s a construction company called Hoar construction. I should work there.
Me: HAHAH. Skanky Hoar construction. Let us suck your beams.
———————————————————————————————-
And that’s it. I was really hoping we’d have some good conversations because she’s on pain medication right now, but she is disappointingly lucid.
You’d think she’d double her dose at least ONCE for a good blog post.
You’d think shed double her dose JUST BECAUSE! That’s the best part about surgery. You know, aside from not dying and feeling better in a few months. I think I should start posting things Micah and I talk about…. Could be equally as interesting haha
Dude, it makes for easy blog material…I highly suggest you follow through with that. 🙂
None of my co-workers are this funny. I didn’t really think my job sucked until I read this post. So…thanks?
HAHAHAH…if it makes you feel any better, I cherry picked this shit from a LOT of way more boring conversations.
If people listened to me and Sheldon they probably wouldn’t understand a thing we said.
.
The Sheldon convos I post on the Tweety are all true, so it’s that much more surreal. Thus, I understand this post way more than I like to admit.
Right there with you, sister..
The “Air Diet” has been done. Google “breatharian” and see (if it spawns a blog post from you, my work is done).
You two should have conversations on Google Hangouts or Skype and make them available to the entire world.
hahha..we hardly EVER talk in person. We work on opposite sides of the building. If we run in to each other, we just awkwardly say ‘hi’ and then get back to talking through instant message.
oh god..and yes, I will look up breatharian..
Aw, she looks like fun. I love PQOTD reference too.
Please… please for stupid people, try to write a book called the “air diet.” self-publish it on Amazon. You might make a few bucks. If that doesn’t work you could try the Sperm diet… but ew. Maybe not 🙂
HAHAH…yeah, the sperm diet would be gross. I’ll get Priscilla to write the air diet. 🙂
I wondered when someone would get the PQOTD reference…
Samuel L. Jackson was just on the Daily Show, and usually the censors there are just slow enough to be able to tell what the censoree just said…
But with SLJ it was like they were beeping him before his mouth even moved.
I’m gonna have to watch that. I fucking love that guy…
Way more fun than I have chatting… !
Breatharians, oh my gosh, yes. Like that woman in Russia who is into being a living Barbie Doll and says she lives on air and light—Ummm….aside from the 12″ waist, 5′ long legs, and abnormally cute face…how’s that working out??
That’s just crazy shit.
Check out the RationalWiki entry on them. They either get caught cheating or they die of severe malnutrition.
OMG, how is it that I’m just now hearing about RationalWiki? The article about breatharianism is priceless. (Note to breatharians: humans cannot photosynthesize. If you’re planning on living only on sunlight and air, you’ll essentially die of stupidity.)
Thanks so much for turning me on to this phenomenal site!
Hahahah…right?? It’s fucking amazing.
Haha! Tell her to double her dosage and then visit the deli 😉
She’d have to use a mobility cart…that would be worth the price of admission.