The better of our two piece of shit cars broke down. Car issues freak me the fuck out and I am not mentally prepared to even think about this shit right now. Instead, I will tell you guys about the salad the Randy invented.
I explained to Randy recently that I am making it my mission for him to eat a little more healthy.
Motherfucker hates vegetables. He’s picky like a goddamn toddler. He would argue that he is not like a picky toddler, but who is going to listen? He doesn’t have a blog.
I have learned over the years that there are only a scant few chinks in his ‘I hate vegetables’ armor. I can get him to eat raw spinach and lettuce as long as he has A1 steak sauce for salad dressing.
See what I mean?
Anyway, I told him that I was going to start making him spinach salads with A1.
Randy: It can’t just be spinach and A1. It needs bacon. And cheese.
Me: Okay, we can do that. I can add a hard boiled egg to it.
Randy: Yeah, so it’s like a Mickey Cocker.
Me:…
Me: Did…did you just say Mickey Cocker?
Me: What the fuck is a Mickey Cocker?
Randy: I didn’t say Cocker. I said Cochrane. Mickey Cochrane.
Me: That actually doesn’t help at all.
Randy: He was a baseball player.
Me: The fuck. What the fuck does a baseball player have to do with salad and A1 sauce?
Randy: Ty Cobb! You were describing a Cobb salad….so, Ty Cobb. Only I said Mickey Cochrane.
At this point, Randy cracked up. He very often cracks himself up.
Me: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: You are so weird. And stop laughing about the Mickey Cochrane/Ty Cobb thing. It wasn’t that funny.
Me: Seriously, You aren’t as funny as you think you are.
Randy: It was hilarious.
Me: Whatevs. Either way, you are going to start eating some green things. We can call it a Mickey Cocker salad if you want.
Randy: I didn’t say Cocker.
Me: I’ll put the recipe on Pinterest.
These are the negotiations I go through to get him to eat spinach. I’ll have to work on my asparagus approach next. I’d try broccoli, but it’s way to early for that. One mention of broccoli and he’ll shut the whole thing down.
How’s your week going?
Your writing gives the world a peek behind the curtain. Your hysterical and I will keep reading!
Thank you so much!!!!
This is hilarious! You guys should sell tickets. BTW, no spinach in Cobb salad…
Right? He had that ALL wrong anyway. hahaha
You are not alone, Michelle! Seriously I don’t know how I’m able to fix anything at all that my husband will eat. I have to sneak in certain ingredients (garlic, a little onion) to give the food some flavor. When I don’t ‘sneak’ he’ll complain that it’s bland!
HAHAHAH…Randy tried asparagus once when he was tipsy and decided he loved it. So We can do asparagus. But then he complains about how expensive it is. sigh.
Do you have an Aldi? Asparagus is much cheaper there…though they don’t always have it.
We do! I will check there!
I am a bit picky about my salad too. The only dressing I will eat with a salad is ranch, with lots of cheese. Not sure how he made the connection between Cobb/Cochran, is it because they both played for the Tigers. BTW the Cobb salad was name after a Restaurateur not the Baseball player.
I have no idea how he makes most of his thought connections.
I was perturbed Sat bcz Hubby consumed his entire daily fluid replacement (yes, over 120 oz) in the form of Coke Zero…Whaddaya gonna do?!?
HE had no problem w/it as he made a convenience store run for another 12-pack…
Yeah, that makes me crazy.
Now I want there to be a Joe Cocker salad which is really a huskier more mellow version of a Beatles salad. But I guess first someone needs to invent a Beatles salad. And if only pitcher plants were edible there could be a Bob Feller salad.
I’m pretty sure Randy will find that hilarious.
Hahah…I don’t get it. He will, though.
A Beatles salad? Let’s see. Weed + amphetamines + LSD dressing
You still need some fiber.
Too funny. I see bacon in your future with avocados and tomatoes and cucumbers as the another famous dead baseball player salad.
He would never eat avocados, tomatoes or cucumbers. sigh.
Sounds like you need to cook for Randy the way some people do for kids! Pureed carrots in the spaghetti sauce, pureed cauliflower or turnips mixed in with mashed potatoes and gravy! 🙂 And if you DO create a Joe Cocker salad, promise me you’ll use your hands to toss it the way Joe—may he RIP—used to perform on stage! HAHA!! Salad EVERYWHERE! (Yes, I crack MY self up, too!)
HAHAHA…that’s awesome. A Joe Cocker salad.
Try this one: Throw some broccoli into boiling water till you can poke a fork through it, then scoop it out and put it in a saucepan where you have already sauteed some garlic in olive oil. (Do not cover broccoli while cooking – take it out while still GREEN and not bleh-gray)
Use the boiling water to make some kind of pasta.
Then, dump a little of the pasta water and some chicken broth, and why not, some butter and salt and pepper into the pan with the broccoli, and use a hand- stick-blender (if you have one, and I can’t imagine why you don’t) and puree the shit.
Dump this on the pasta and add cheese.
Worked for two generations of kids. Got it from Laurie Colwin’s Home Cooking.
May she rest in peace.
I do NOT have a stick blender, but I want one. This sounds good. I think we could do this
Ha! I would love to hang at your house for a day just for the entertainment!!
The key to a really great salad is how much you can disguise it by adding some fattening tasty REAL food to it. 🙂
Btw- how about SMOOTHIES? BEST way to disguise spinach EVER. 🙂
I don’t know if I could talk him in to that, but I might try.
Haha!! This is the crazy couple shit that makes me happy I’m single. (Fuck, Randy, A1 on greens??) M, you have my sympathies. My daughter’s boyfriend is one of “them”. He’s been offered cold hard cash to eat vegees and refused! (He’s 16 and penniless. Still refused.) You can count on one hand his “permitted foods” and yet he grows like a weed. And thanks to Terri Lee for the Joe Cocker Salad Tossing Technique image! It’s a good day if we’re talking & laughing over salad. And men.
(Sorry to hear about your car woes. My 11 yr old Mitsu is close to palliative. I see a chauffeur in my future, but he wears the uniform of a city bus driver.)
I wouldn’t mind the bus, but I don’t get service where I live. waaah
Hahaha! I love these kinds of conversations!
We have them all the time.
All. The. Time.
Ahhh…the workings of the male mind.
Jeff puts Heinz 57 on his baked potato….but I don’t think he has named his dish.
He should name it.
Mmmm a cock’ed up salad the thought MIGHT make me eat my greens but I’m with randy on this one
must have bacon x cheese !! My mothers been trying for 50 something years to get me to eat that green shit but the dog gets it every time .
Hahaha…I could start nagging you as well! Only I don’t really nag. I just make really good suggestions repeatedly.
There’s a salad and dressing my grandmother makes, with iceberg lettuce and bacon. I’m not sure what else is involved, but really, it could only be improved with the addition of hardboiled eggs and cheddar. Maybe that could be a Mickey Cocker instead?
I would have to add spinach so he could get some super greens in there.
You and Randy are hilarious!
🙂
I do hear you, various males in my family have been really difficult about greens.
Broccoli is a tricky one, some people find the taste of it completely unpalatable. I love it so I don’t understand it but it seems to be a taste bud thing.
Randy does like chillies and spicy things so you have some really interesting options for salad he might just like, if it’s got some serious heat behind it.
Pear salad, yep I did say pear, is wonderful. It’s an Indian thing and is not for the faint hearted but it is a salad and is very healthy.
Definitely worth looking up some chilli based salads and giving those a go I reckon or let me know and I’ll ping you some across.
🙂
You can blame me then, ha ha ha!
THAT is a good idea! And I have someone to blame if it goes South.
When I was a dinner cook, the nightly specials board would often have “Dangerous Doug’s Fettuccine Prima Vera” on it. It had hella vegetables in it, sauteed in garlic herb butter with white wine (which is way easier than it sounds, my chef taught me to do it in about five minutes). Even the Berkeley cops liked it. If he must have meat, you can grill some chicken and chop it up and add it with the pasta. Almost anything tastes heavenly when sauteed in garlic butter and white wine. Eating vegetables really only SOUNDS like you wouldn’t like it, so if you can trick him into eating it once, and it is actually good, you might be able to steer his tastes and curiosity toward more vegetables. Good luck! (And I hope the car thing turns out OK).
That sounds amazing!
Yeah, it is fixed now. Had to spend money I don’t really have..but oh well.
Ahahahaha! I was wondering where that was going. I love that he remembers the name of a salad is sort of baseball related, but not really at all.
My boyfriend loves making salads…full of nuts, cheese, meat, avocado, bacon, egg, and sometimes lettuce. I finally kicked him of his Kraft dressing habit, though.
Sometimes lettuce. HAHAHAHAH
I REALLY don’t get it… We don’t do baseball OR A1 sauce.
But my life’s partner is making me hugely overweight because he has become obsessed with being underweight… He only eats tiny portions and runs 6 miles 3 times a week ( he’s 58). He weighs less than he did 27 years ago when we got married. It shits me SO much that I have gained about 28 pounds in those 28 years…
That was totally irrelevant but I needed to have a whinge…
Randy would die of starvation at our house…
Whinge away!!!!! That’s what I’m here for!
Also, Randy is lucky that you love him to megadeath otherwise you’d have to punch him in the face way too often to be legal…
Truer words……
Girrrrrrrlllll, you can thank me later for this:
pour any regular spaghetti sauce (although I like the no-oil, organic stuff best for this), in a sauce pan, add LOTS of WELL chopped spinach on top… simmer until the spinach is very wilted and you can mix it all together … add a couple of tablespoons of PLAIN NF Greek yogurt and shitloads of cracked black pepper… let it come back to a teensy simmer (don’t over boil it, get it off the heat FAST once it’s warmed through and just starting to bubble thru). Pour on top of any noodles you want, top with parmesan. Tastes like decadence, but except for the pasta itself, it’s pretty guilt-free (so use brown rice pasta or quinoa pasta to overcome that unnecessary feeling) …
… AND he just ate a fuckton of SPINACH!!! LOL
Sneakiness works. 🙂
(it’s delicious btw).
I am totally trying this. Only I think I’ll make it with zucchini noodles. Awesome!
Oh Michelle – this is hilarious !!! At my age, I really did PMSL !!!!!!! My bladder control is not what it used to be despite all those pelvic floor exercises !!!!
I totally hear you on this – I think I will do the ‘right’ thing by making something different that is more healthy than our normal meals and A generally turns his nose up at it and wants to know why we can’t just have normal food !!!! At least he does eat it because he knows if he doesn’t eat it, it will more than likely be the last meal I bother to make him !!!!!
Just as Ricky has Mickey Cochrane/Ty Cobb we have milarious chameleon/hilarious comedian – I’m never sure about what makes me laugh more, what Al actually said or me calling him a milarious chameleon !!!
Have the best day xox
Dude…this made my night. Milarious chameleon/hilarious comedian made me think of Alice in Wonderland
Gotta say, Randy’s right. He is hilarious…plus I love it when they laugh at themselves. Saves us having to do it.
You know you are only encouraging him…
Thank you, Sandra. I was voted, “Most Likely to Irritate A Spouse Through Use Of Banal Humor, Surreal Jokery, and Silly Conversation.”
True story
When we were first married, Doc told me that he was allergic to onions. Sure enough, if he ate anything that had visible onions in it, he would sweat and get all clammy and pale. But then I served him some recipe where the onions were minced so he couldn’t see them when he was eating. Why I went ahead and tricked my husband to eat onions when he thought he was deathly allergic to them, I couldn’t tell you – maybe I had a sense how he would screw me over in the future?? Anyway, he ate the meal, proclaimed it delicious, and didn’t have any sweats or clamminess – UNTIL I told him three hours later that the meal contained onions! Psychosomatic bastard!!!
Hahahaah….I used to do that (kind of) with my second husband. He was not allergic to mayo, but he swore a hatred that burned like fire for mayo and anything mayo in it. I can’t tell you how many times I fed him food chock full o mayo and he loved it.
You are too smart to remain frightened of your rather simple vehicle’s inner workings. Fix that yesterday. It’s a wonderful feeling. Shhh… no words… shh…. just schedule the class immediately if not sooner. I mean right now immediate. Not “immediate” ie. prolly never.
I’ve read two of your huffpo pieces and can honestly say they are among the more enjoyable things I can remember reading online. Now go get a wrench and get started. The fact that you are able to learn on pos’s is a blessing. The parts (and mistakes) should be less costly.
Write on, writer.
You know….before this even happened, we (Randy and I) were discussing taking an auto repair class together, so it won’t be never. 🙂
And it turned out to be a sensor, so it didn’t break the bank. Completely. Thank you so much!