My title comes from a line spoken by Frannie Goldsmith in The Stand which is a book by Stephen King where most of humanity dies from the flu. She says “who made flu” instead of the AC/DC lyric “who made who”.
And that makes me think of the movie Maximum Overdrive which is based on Stephen King’s short story, Trucks. The song Who Made Who by AC/DC is in that movie. When my older son, who is 32 now, was 3 years old, his favorite movie was Maximum Overdrive. I am a bad, bad mom. I’ve also seen that movie a thousand times.
But I really digress.
I had the flu last week and it truly sucked ass.
Last week was the first week my project at work was supposed to ramp up. We were bringing some stores up live on the new process. But that didn’t happen, because I was in my bed for most of the week.
I was so worried about things going wrong. I had no idea that I’d be botching up the roll out schedule before it really even started.
It is Sunday morning and this is the first day that I feel nearly human. I’m still tired, but I think by tomorrow, I should be okay.
So much looking forward to work tomorrow. I’m sure it will be a breeze.
Randy was a champ all week. He kept me in hot tea and popsicles. I ate an obscene amount of popsicles last week. Also, I might have to suspend writing this for a few minutes because I need another popsicle.
I watched a lot of bad TV. I even watched Jumanji: Welcome to The Jungle. On purpose. And I liked it.
One afternoon, I was bored, but getting out of bed wasn’t a great option because my fever gave everything a weird, swimmy feeling. Even the floor. I only risked walking when a trip to the bathroom was completely necessary.
Instead, I went on twitter and wrote Flu Haiku.
The cats sleep with me
Online shopping must die now
Cough syrup magic
All voices annoy
Cranky brain holds me hostage
Not fit for humans
I might be hungry
I might projectile vomit
Chinese for dinner?
Some dude objected to my use of the word “projectile” in that last haiku. I would tell you exactly what he said, but he has since deleted the tweet. He took me to task for misusing the word “projectile” because “projectile” isn’t a verb.
This was my response:
counting syllables
uses up my foggy brain
flu scoffs at grammar
The worst thing, though, the absolute worst thing, is because of my flu, I may have destroyed the earth. It’s also possible I saved it, but I’m not sure yet.
Let me explain.
I woke myself up from a fever dream because I could hear myself talking. Randy attempted to wake me at the same time because he could hear me talking.
I was dreaming about someone being in my house, except it was our old house. There were two doorways into the kitchen in that house and this person in my house would step to the left through one while I stepped to the right. I could hear him, but he kept stepping out of my line of vision. Then, he crawled up the wall and onto the ceiling. I said “what are you doing” over and over.
That is what woke me up. Me saying “what are you doing” over and over. Randy says that isn’t what I said, though.
He said it sounded like I was speaking perfectly formed words, except not in a language he’s heard. He said the words sounded like I was speaking in tongues.
So, obviously, in my fevered state, I was working some sort of Enochian spell. That could possibly destroy the world. You know, or save it. I have no idea. I don’t speak Enochian.
Well, except that one time. Either way, I don’t understand Enochian.
I also watched a lot of Supernatural which might explain my fear about accidentally starting the apocalypse.
So, now that I’ve burned through a bunch of PTO days and screwed up my project schedule, I am ready to go back to work.
I hope all of you are healthy. If you do get sick, I suggest stocking up on popsicles. They were magic.
Also, “projectile” is not a verb and don’t use it as such or you’ll upset that one guy from the internet.
You were using projective as an adjective. The verb was vomit.
Your haiku is awesome!
Good luck at work tomorrow! The world is counting on you.
So far, the world is still spinning. I guess I haven’t screwed up too bad
Obviously I mis-typed and meant to say projectile is an adjective.
Thank you. Now, go tell that guy. hahahaha
Hope you’re feeling much better and are ready for work. This stupid Flu is everywhere! So much for the shots. And learn Enochian, as you never know when it will come up again!
Well, I have been wanting to learn a second language, so…
So I was gonna be That Guy and defend you for using “projectile” as an adjective, which the Oxford English Dictionary says is totally cool, but Marcia Saulo beat me to it. And I’m okay with that. We’ve never met but obviously Marcia Saulo is a smart and awesome person.
Also I think letting your three-year old watch Maximum Overdrive makes you an awesome mom. Seriously, kids that age like cars and trucks, and it beats the hell out of Thomas The Tank Engine, even with George Carlin.
I didn’t mind Thomas, but I couldn’t stand Big Comfy Couch. And Calliou is the devil.
Newfoundland might be upset with your Enochian spell – we just won’t tell them it was you 😉
I have bypassed the flu, and cracked a few ribs instead because I needed to convince Mary, my snub-tail cat, that she can indeed poop outside and that the walk to the greenhouse is *wham boom* “DAMMIT” fraught with slick porch steps….
The claw marks under my boobs prove I was protecting her to the end 🙂
I’m so glad you are feeling better! Probably, that project needed a couple extra ‘steeping’ days, anyway!
hahaha steeping days.
I found a few issues so far today. I’m tired as hell and just want to go back to bed.
May you be feeling much better very soon. That’s my version of an Irish blessing, which is as close to magic as I’m likely to get if you don’t count music.
Wikipedia and Hunter S. Thompson both say projectile vomiting is a thing.
I have so far managed to avoid the flu, but we have to go into town today and there’s some weird sickness going around near Yosemite… did I mention that I live near Yosemite now?
Anyway, I hope I don’t get it; being sick in the snow doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time.
Although I could probably make a popsicle by waving a stick around outside the door…
Oh man…I’m going to have to get used to this Doug in Sugar Pine business!
I hope you like it there. I mean, other than the snow and cold.
I’ve been very lucky so far! I’m also not leaving my house lol
You are a smart woman. Stay put. It’s dangerous out there.
Flu sucks for everyone thankfully I rarely get it
Yeah, it was a difficult week for everyone
The flu is awful. I’m glad you’re feeling better now.
Thank you! Still winding down really early, but I’m definitely a lot better.
I loved your haiku! This made me laugh. Glad you are feeling better now! The flu does suck ass, yet everyone seems to be getting it!
Yeah, it’s been really bad here. And thank you!
All voices annoy
Cranky brain holds me hostage
Not fit for humans
.
.
you are perfection.
Awwww…thank you!! xo
I read “I found a few tissues.”
which is what I have been doing all day.
Yeah, we have tissue issues here as well.
I want to see a whole book of flu haiku.
Please.
Thank you
Haha…that would be fun
Just now reading the expanded version of The Stand. Read the original about 40 years ago -is that possible?
I read Frannie’s quote and Googled to find the reference. Stumbled over your article. However, and I went back to check, her phrase is “Flu made Who”, not the other way around.
Ohhhh thank you!!! It’s been a while
The “flu made who” line must have been added/updated for the 1989 (90?) publication of the uncut The Stand. Because the original came out in 1978 and the AC/DC song to which the line alludes in 1985… Obvs the song was written for (or at least used in) the King film Maximum Overdrive, so referencing it is a bit juveline, in my opinion.
Referencing a song in a blog post about the flu is a bit juvenile? And it’s juvenile because it was added in the updated version of The Stand and not in the original? I’m really trying to understand what is juvenile about referencing something that I was thinking about when I was sick with the flu. Juvenile?
I mean, I accept that I have all sorts of maturity issues, but I just don’t see how referencing a song, because that is WHAT I WAS THINKING AT THE TIME, is juvenile.
And you think that taking the time to post a comment on a very old blog post just to call me juvenile is a mature thing to do?
Also, you misspelled “juvenile”