I don’t know about you, but when I am looking forward to something, then time starts moving like it is wading through molasses.
Will I EVER be able to spell “molasses” or “rhythm” without having to rely on Google for the correct spelling? And why the fuck do I use the word “molasses” so often? I mean, I get rhythm, but molasses?
But I digress.
We went to visit our friends, Mountain Girl and The Bass Player last weekend. I love spending time with them in a big, bad way. They live in the Tennessee mountains and spending time with them quells my anxiety better than a chocolate xanax milkshake. I spent weeks counting down the days until our weekend in the mountains. Then, the weekend whizzed by faster than my paycheck draining from our bank account.
Mountain Girl and the Bass Player make up half of the band The Madisons. We watched them play Saturday evening, then
spent the rest of the night at their cabin. My face hurt from laughing. I should have been writing shit down.
I didn’t write anything down though, and most of the words were lost to the universe.
Not all of the words though.
Sunday morning, I may or may not have been hungover.
Randy and I stay in their guest cabin (my cabin) and it took me a while to make it from the bed to the coffee maker.
I did manage to rally enough to walk up to their cabin. I didn’t get all crazy and change out of my pajamas or brush my hair. I did make the trek without spilling my coffee which is saying something. I found Mountain Girl sitting in a chair outside their music studio.
Me: What’s that one word you used last night?
Mountain Girl: You’re probably going to have to be more specific.
Me: You know, I think it means something about smelly underwear or something.
Mountain Girl:…
Me: The word that sounds like “Liza Minnelli”.
Mountain Girl: Miasma?
Me: That’s the one! That’s a great word about underwear.
Mountain Girl: It doesn’t really mean anything about underwear.
mi. as. ma. an oppressive or unpleasant atmosphere that surrounds or emanates from something.
So you can see where I made the smelly underwear connection.
In addition to improving my vocabulary, we also came up with a shit ton of business ideas. Some ideas were even better than the vagina brush idea. I am sure we would all four be on our way to wealth beyond our wildest dreams if we had just remembered some of these entrepreneurial endeavors. Unfortunately, I only remember a few that we rejected:
Booze For Babies. Booze for babies isn’t booze for actual babies. You’re not supposed to give booze to actual babies no matter what my former mother in law says. Booze for babies is for pussies who want to drink, but can’t hold their liquor. This would be booze for babies. The brand would require that you convey contempt when you say “babies”. It would be watered down booze and the tagline would be “this shit wouldn’t even give a toddler a buzz’.
We rejected this idea because we realized that there would inevitably be some stupid motherfuckers who would give the booze to actual babies. Then we’d get sued, lose everything, and end up living in trailers we bought with money we got from selling our shoe collections.
The Yardapult. The yardapult is exactly what it sounds like it is. It’s a catapult that you have in your yard and use to launch shit from your yard that you don’t want anymore. Like tree stumps or beer bottles. I thought there were some pretty obvious issues with this one.
Me: Won’t neighbors get pissy when shit lands in their yards?
Mountain Girl: Well, you couldn’t launch shit that would identify you. It would have to be stuff that could have come from anywhere. You know, like a five gallon tub of mayonnaise.
Me: Do..do you have a five gallon tub of mayonnaise?
Mountain Girl: That’s not the point.
Me: I would think they would still know where the mayonnaise came from. They’d be like “Ummm, I see you have a catapult in your yard and it seems to be pointed in the direction of my house”.
Mountain Girl: Oh. Yeah.
Mountain Girl: What if we made it like a transformer. You know, pull a few levers and the catapult turns into a pink flamingo or a bird feeder or something.
Me: Well, now you’re just being silly.
Mountain Girl also realized the Yardapult would never work for them. They have a lot of land in the Smoky Mountains. They’d end up catapulting their garbage from their yard to their yard.
The Pee-rimiter Fence. The pee-rimiter fence is camping gear. The concept is, you have a fence that you assemble around your campsite and it is tubing with a series of holes in the tubes. You then pee into a receptacle and the urine is evenly distributed around the campsite perimeter. The territory would be sufficiently marked and keep away wild animals.
Except, that isn’t what would happen. We thought we’d be driving away the bears with the pee fence, but in reality, it would actually attract the bears. Which, I guess could be a niche market. I guess people who really want to see some bears on their camping trip would like it. I mean, it would have to be people who also aren’t entirely averse to being bear snacks.
So, we failed on the business portion of the weekend, but we rocked the laughing part. The music was incredible. I got to hear The Madisons entire new album, Err On The Side Of Love played live. The Madison’s just put this album out last weekend. Lucky me, I have two copies signed by Mountain Girl and the Bass Player! Lucky you, I am going to pass them along to you!
If you’d like a signed copy of Err On The Side Of Love, just let me know in the comments. I will randomly draw two winners. One more thing. You can purchase digital copies at I Tunes and CD Baby. They’re on numerous retailers and streaming sites, too. I love The Madisons and hope you will too.
You need to record your drunken conversations so the brilliant ideas have a chance to see daylight.
Yeah, we were sorry we didn’t tape it. Haha
That might end up like the one episode of That 70s Show where they recorded their conversation while stoned and realized it was all jibberish.
Sounds like a beautiful weekend though!
Hahahah..yeah, I imagine there was a lot of gibberish.
Haha – watered down booze for babies. Like 3.2 beer. Love the marketing slogan. I think it could work.
Please enter me in your raffle for the signed cd. Thanks.
Hahaha..thank you!!!
Even better? Serve something very watered down or even non-alcoholic and tell the people that it tastes weak, but they need to sip it VERY carefully because it actually packs quite a wallop. And watch a bunch of people begin acting drunk when they’re basically sipping nothing more than iced tea! Nothing like the power of suggestion to up the entertainment factor! HAHA!!!!
I want the 8 track, or cassette, or album, or CD, or download, or stream, or implantable music chip, or whatever the fuck they provide music on now… But I really, really prefer the 8 track.
C-
I don’t think they have it on 8 track, but that would be cool. haha.
I keep on catching radio commercials for Jim Beam Apple, which sounds really delish “like biting into a crisp green apple” – but talk about babies! I must limit myself these days to 1 or 2 adult beverages or it really cramps my style the next day – not a full-fledged hangover, just general dragassedness…
We need a term for that: “lightweight disease”?
Oh, I have turned into a lightweight over the years. I usually keep those activities to friday or saturday nights. sometimes both. Haha.
ha ha!! 🙂
It was such a good time.
Funny stuff!
Would love to have the new music!
Awesome! You’re in!
Oh, hell YES, I’d love to be entered for the Mountain Girl/Bass Player music! Actually, do you think there could be a “Spend A Weekend In The Guest Cabin” giveaway at some point? The music would help me escape for a little while, I could REALLY use the cabin in the mountains! 😀
Thank you for the new word today—-miasma. It sounded vaguely familiar, so I’m sure I’ve heard it before but I did not know the meaning. So now that i DO know, I will be making every attempt to figure out how to stick it into a conversation today! Haha!
I think the Yardapult would be excellent to use on neighbors who allow their dogs to shit on your property when they walk them. You have to pick it up before you mow, so why not just toss it into the Yardapult and blast that shit back to the original owner! If it hits the side of their house, even BETTER! BWAHAHAHA!!!!!! So, please, don’t give up on that idea just yet!
Isn’t it amazing how the right people and the right places can melt your anxiety into oblivion. That’s your brain telling your body you are where you are meant to be. We should all be lucky enough to find those kinds of people and places. I’m so happy for you that you had a wonderful weekend! XO
It was a great weekend. And they never last long enough there. 🙂
Pretty funny business ideas! One of them will positively click and be THE ONE!
THAT would be awesome. Haha
Pick me randomly, please! I love hearing new music, especially if it has a connection to someone I love. 🙂
XOXOXOXOOXOXOX 🙂
I would be careful about recording those adventures. They never sound quite as good the next day and you begin to wonder what kind of crap yo were ingesting to bring that out. And sometimes you damned sure don’t want the evidence to be hanging around for other ears. Just sayin’
You make a very good point. We’d have to do much editing.
Everyone needs a weekend like that once in awhile. The totally crazy shit we laugh about with our good friends is priceless, yet useless, except in the way it elevates, restores, connects, mends, and releases us.
OMG we needed it so bad. I am already looking forward to the next one.
AaahHHaa: The Time Warp
When I was in college (just a few years ago, so don’t even… 🙂 ) I wouldn’t look at the calendar so I wouldn’t know when Final’s week was because Time would stand still and the term would stretch out forever and my nerves would be shot from constantly wondering when it would ever end.
If I just ‘La-lal-lala-ed,’ through the first few weeks, then, all of a sudden, it was the week before Finals and I could start sleeping with my books.
One week is much easier to get through than 10.
And, that may have been a bad metaphoric analogy for this post, but…
I totally feel ya… the wait is interminable and the fun gone in a flash… with memories of Liza Minelli underwear and booze for babies all tossed in with laughing and wondering how it can POSSIBLY be over so fucking soon.
Any chance you can really work on the Yardapult? I live adjacent to a corn field… 😉 (And Terri Lee? The ‘dog that poops in your yard’ solution should be all Rage-M and Mountain Girl need for ‘prospective buyer’ statistics… 🙂 )
I am so happy for you, Michelle (and Randy! 🙂 ) that you were able to endure the wait and enjoy the fuck out of your friends and their music and their mountain. You can ‘hear’ the ‘relax’ in your typing 🙂
If you draw my name, I will donate my copy to Terri Lee 🙂 But if you decide to do a Mountain Getaway drawing, George is going in my bedroll, so we both win!
Hey, Lisa K.! Yeah! The dog crapping in the yard victims are definitely a prime demographic target for the Yardapult! “Someone giving TOO much of a crap? Fling it BACK!” HAHA!
George is thinking that maybe taking up yoga would be a good idea if you think he’d be able to contort enough to fit into a bedroll! “Ow!” 😀
And That, My Dear, is OUR SLOGAN!
“Someone giving TOO much of a crap? Fling it BACK!”
From the hip…p’quew (or however a speeding bullet sounds 🙂 )
I use a coffee can and march it right back over there and dump it in a trail leading from their corner to their house, I HATE dog poop…ANY dog poop in my yard.
I mow it for the horses. Simple and logical. No dog poop… and if their dog leaves it, I’ll bring it back and make it so ALL the other dogs mark on their side.
George should do Yoga one way or the other.
It’s good for him and helps with the physical shit.
And mental.
I do a whole color/frequency/sound meditation thing and I like to think it’s kept me able to chase down an asshole, yet able to choose to breathe blue balloon air, instead.
Whatever.
I can always bring a horse to a Mountain Getaway, don’t forget… you can ride! 🙂 … but I still get to call you George and love you and pet your fur the wrong way.
By the time I got to the tub of mayonnaise I was on the floor dying. Everybody needs that one friend in life that you can sit with in your pj’s and laugh for hours, congratulations on finding yours, and please enter me in your raffle.
You got it, sister! And yes, we all do need that friend.
Why not pour the booze for babies into the pee-rimeter and kill two — not bears! — um, obstacles at once? I want 20% royalties for this ingenious solution.
Yes! We’re going to be rich!
Pick me! pick me! I love new music.. almost as much as I love your blog! 🙂
Yay!! Okay!!
I bet they’re really good musicians for inventors.
The Yardapault sounds like a money maker. When I sat up all night trying to think of inventions with a friend, the best I got was the Mouse O’Clock News, a newspaper for mice.
We never got past how we’d overcome the language barrier, though.
I LOVE THAT!
That actually sounds like a children’s book or show or something
Your anticipation reminds me of seeing rock concerts when we first moved to Oakland. They would announce the date in the Pink Section of the San Francisco Chronicle that came out Sunday morning, I would get tickets at the box office on the UC Berkeley campus (they always had the best seats) within minutes of reading it, and then we would… wait. Two to three weeks of going to my restaurant job and feeling like time had slowed to a crawl. It did, however, give us something to look forward to and plan for (sometimes our old friends from Eureka would come to the big city to see a concert and stay with us).
Things have changed. In November when I saw The Joy Formidable, I didn’t know I was going until the morning of the show (thanks Sara!), I bought our tickets online in about ten minutes and had the whole afternoon to wait… It was exciting but different.
Glad you had some anxiety relief this weekend, you totally deserve some.
I kind of love that anticipation! Love and hate it.
It was actually the weekend before last…I’m just late posting. haha. It was awesome and I can’t wait to go back!
I love the idea of the pee rimiter fence. Although that would spoil ALL my husband’s fun while camping, but on the up side, I could play too!
hahahha! Yes! I will let you know when it’s available.
I was going to suggest what Bryce suggested – you should record your drunken ideas to use when you are sober !!!!
So glad you had such a great weekend – nothing much beats a good weekend away from the hum drum of daily life.
xox
We’ll be going back in the summer for a longer stay…I’ll at least take better notes.
Laughed so hard my eyes are moist
Hahaha….awesome!!!
Oh, I don’t know. In a drunken brain storm session among my girlfriend guru, Gentleman Jack Whiskey and myself, we came up with the infamous 16 lb No-Plan Great River Road/Blues Hway 61 Revisited Road Trip and when we got sober, leaving GJ behind, it still sounded like a great idea. In fact, we just got back home to daily living and it was all we drunkenly dreamed it would be. And, yes, is the option for the drawing still alive, cause I want in.
You are in!
An your road trip sounds awesome!
I really feel like the pee-rimeter is a winner. There has got to be a use for that. I am jealous of your weekend.
Not gonna lie, it was awesome!
I hope I’m not too late to enter the drawing because I’ve been listening to some of The Madisons’ music and while I want to say they had me at the title “Plankton” the truth is they had me at “They live in the Tennessee mountains”.
If I’m too late because I was off-grid for a week and on an island off the coast of Alabama then so be it. It was a week that went by so fast I didn’t manage to get any of the things done I’d planned to do, but I did get a lot of nothing done.
Now I really want a Pee-rimiter Fence just because we have three dogs who like to go around behind each other marking each others’ spots, playing “I can pee bigger than you” and I think it would be the perfect way to show them who’s really boss.
Hahahah…well, there’s a use for it!
Haha. The way you talk sounds like the inside of my brain. I also have a penchant for late night nonsense and ridiculous business ideas. Unfortunately my husband is both industrious and commerce-minded so my wobbly morning wander from the coffee pot to the living room would no doubt find him drawing catapultish plans while on the phone with the Schlitz marketing people. Please enter me in the drawing.
I love it! It’s so good to have a tribe!
Okay, I found “catapult”. I was going to copy and paste my description of our suburban medieval war weapon from the contact page comments but it wouldn’t let me copy. Suffice it to say that your neighbor may actually have one of these. Flinging pumpkins is fucking awesome.