Randy and I are finding that as we age, mortality becomes a more common topic. Especially, after the motherfucker scared the wits out of me early this year when he got ill.
Anyway, we’ve accepted that our thoughts are going to drift to the big sleep more often these days.
We have been contemplating more what our “last” moments will be. Like, food, for instance. The last thing I eat better not be a stale snack cake, or I’ll be putting out bad vibes until the earth disintegrates and drifts off into space. When you think about it, it’s no wonder people become ghosts. They’re pissed because they choked to death on Doritos, or they died while listening to MacArthur’s Park. Or they said something really dumb and then shuffled off their mortal coil. Honestly, odds are that last scenario will apply to me. Then, I’ll fumble around in the veil and try to make amends for my stupid comment. I have to expect I’ll be an 
awkward ghost. I’ll probably end up making shit worse.
But I digress.
We were talking about the articles that list clever last words, like Oscar Wilde and his wallpaper. We were sitting in our hot kitchen, listening to the rain fall, and coming up with a list of horrible “last words”. Because most people are not Oscar Wilde. Well, all people are not Oscar Wilde. Except Oscar Wilde.
Anyway, here’s the list of terrible “last words” we came up with:
“He’s a cow patty.”
“I wonder if that baby likes tater tots?”
“I’ve got your watery tart right here.”
“Do you think this cheese is rancid?”
“Expiration dates don’t matter.”
“My uterus is all itchy.”
“Shia LaBouf is underrated.”
“My butt smells like Moon Pies.”
“I forgot to water my chia pet.”
“I dunno, he might make a good president.”
“That squirrel pisses me the fuck off.”
“No, use the blue tarp.”
“Hard boiled eggs are no substitute for a good scrub brush.”
“Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.”
“Nah, I don’t want any cake.”
“Shave and a haircut is the grandfather of secret knocks.”
“My tongue tastes like I’ve been licking mountain goats.”
“Ohhh, yay! A Gilligan’s Island marathon.”
“That really is what she said.”
“I miss Dungeons and Dragons.”
“Perhaps I’ve been too harsh on watermelon and banana flavored candy.”
“You can trace the inevitable decline back to the invention of boxer briefs.”
“Did you look in the junk drawer? Behind the box of Bubblicious.”
“I can too fit a whole bag of Skittles in my mouth.”
“I haven’t enjoyed watching a movie since Valley Girl. ”
“It’s behind the wrapping paper in front of the case of Tuna Helper.”
“You can’t re-gift something that’s been peed on.”
“Yeah? Well, your aunt Judy smells like braunschweiger.”
“I bet no one has ever choked to death on marshmallow fluff.”
“Does my bedazzler smell funny to you?”
“You can’t name a hermit crab Roberta.”
“You never invited me to a single Tupperware party.”
“Have you seen my black light poster collection?”
“Well, he’s the neighborhood horse.”
“Granny tipple rhymes with Mr. Whipple”
“I located a solution for your noise issues.”
“Now, you know my secret identity.”
“Maladapt this, motherfucker.”
“I know she stole my plastic measuring spoons.”
“I slipped out of present tense.”
Okay, that last one would be cool. I’ll have to remember that on my death bed. I’ll probably mess it up and say something like “I slipped in peasant sense.” or “I ripped out a pheasant fence.”
No matter. As long as my last words aren’t “well, that sucked,” Then, I shall be happy. After I utter my last syllables, I hope to explode in a cloud of glitter and powdered sugar. In a fun way. Not in a horrifying way that will scar the grand kids.
I don’t know..the people who know and love me would totally appreciate it, and snort, if my last words were “Ferris Bueller, you’re my hero.” ..I’m going to try to remember to say that..✌️
Not gonna lie..that was my favorite one next to “I slipped out of present tense”. Haha
Totally agree Julie! I think those would be perfect words!
I don’t know. I think “well, that sucked” would be awesome last words.
I was looking at that as life in general..as in “that sucked”. That would suck.
My last words are probably going to be, “Gimme another!”
I hope I’m in a bar and not a fistfight…
“Well, he’s the neighborhood horse…” could have some interesting funeral stories, tho, and, for sure, “I slipped out of present tense.” SHOULD be on EVERY funeral bulletin.
That’s golden.
I can’t take credit for that one. That one was Randy’s
I’m not sure who would be around when it’s time for my last words. With any luck, I can maybe put a scare into them, “What the fuck! God really IS a woman/cat/dog!” I have to admit, I really loved “Expiration dates don’t matter.” 🙂 Paul and I used to argue over expiration dates all the time—me being on the side of tossing an item when it hit that date—better safe than sorry, right? Ironically, Paul’s actual last words were him telling the chest x-ray guy his date of birth. And I remember how hopeful I was that his remembering that date was actually a good sign for recovery. I know death is as much a part of life as the good times, but it still sucks ass. Hey, there’s a good one! “This sucks ass.” Haha!
You know what, it DOES suck ass…
Randy and I have the same expiration date conversations. Haha.
OMG, Tink, I am absolutely gonna say, “I’ll be damned, God IS a WOMAN!”
Just because I will probably be feeling kinda bitchy in a funny, last ditch effort kinda way.
Expiration dates are just a quicker way to get there…
Hahahah…perfect!
There is nothing wrong with dying whilst saying “No, use the blue tarp.” Nothing wrong with that at all.
That is actually an inside joke with a friend of mine who jokes about murdering us and dragging us off on a blue tarp. Which sounds harsh and scary, but it is really funny. I promise.
More coffee, please. Though I have to say, use the blue tarp made me laugh!
Yay!! I am a huge fan of laughing. 🙂
I hate it when my uterus gets itchy. And I truly do hope that those aren’t Randy’s last words. (And the blue tarp will totally go better with your eyes so you might want to rethink that one).
Hahah..I hope those aren’t Randy’s last words, either..
What was the one in the Vonnegut novel? Something like “Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt”…
Yes, Slaughterhouse-Five
This is great. I also would like to live to a nice, ripe old age and then explode into sparkles. And I think “Nah, I don’t want any cake” is the saddest one. If that’s the choice, I want to go eating cake! 🙂
OMG me too…never say no to cake!
Thanks for the Monday laughs. I tweeted this. Maybe those will be good last words?
Hahha…Yes, those would be better last words that a lot of these. xo
I’m pretty sure you can never be too hard on watermelon flavored candy….that stuff is just wrong! And green apple too! UGH!
Have to agree…green apple candy makes it hard for me to breathe. Except for those caramel and green apple lollipops. I love those.
Thanks again for the early morning laugh out loud. Seriously.
I had a preview of my last words when a car I was riding in was run off the highway by an 18-wheeler.
I stuck my fingers in my ears and said, “goddammit, goddammit, goddammit!” My ears hurt for days. The driver told me I was lucky we didn’t die if those were my last words.
HAHHAAHA…I am so glad you didn’t die!
I look for perfect last words for fun. “This thing will work the first time.” “You won’t get hurt.” “I’m not worried. That gun is not load…” Shit like that.
I have to go. It’s just a cold.
Hahaha…yep..all good!
Ha, there are a couple of crackers in there. I think I’d go with ‘I told you I was ill’ or ‘let’s get this party started’
🙂
Awesome! A party. Yes. I want a going out party. I didn’t a coming out party, so it’s only fair.
I about pissed my damn pants! Those are hilarious although. I would be up for a Gilligan’s Island marathon. Tag me tomorrow so I can find out what the baby is! I clicked over last night thinking I could pay with Paypal and you couldn’t. My card was waaayyyyy downstairs so I thought… I have to do that tomorrow cause you know, great idea and all. Anyway, I forgot today when I was in close vicinity and now guess where I am and where my card is not.
Hahahah….thank you and yes, I will do that. 🙂
If you utter your really fabulous last words, real ‘Rosebud’ what does she mean by that, and no one is there to hear, do you get a do over???
I dunno…maybe that is actually the secret to living forever.
These are all awesome. I had to re-read a few to get the double meaning…my brain is slow sometimes lol. Hope those aren’t my last words. I like the 3rd to last one best!
Hahah..you’re probably giving me too much credit. Because most of these are just goofy.
I’m gonna start by saying I do miss Dungeons & Dragons and hope something terrible doesn’t happen before I finish typing it.
Okay, made it through. And what I really miss is sitting around eating junk food and being stupid with friends which I could still do.
Although instead of last words I prefer the Inside The Actors’ Studio question: “If Heaven exists what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?”
Because I’m counting on something like, “Okay, you’re going back. Again. Could you please not fuck it up this time?”
Funny, that is exactly what I’m hoping for.